Recently Read: Tom Hanks

Meticuloso5I started out liking Tom Hanks’ stories in his book titled Uncommon Type. His writing has an easy flow to it. If he enjoys writing, then it shows in his work. If he doesn’t, then he could quit and go back to acting.

His short stories (so far, I’m still reading) have a witty, humanity-conscious style that let’s you read through with little effort. His style is fairly accurate in its study of humans. Like most writers who write, Tom Hanks seems to be a people watcher. He has studied the human condition and reported it well. You’ll learn to see your fellow humans as if through the eyes of Hanks.

Where it fell apart for me, was when I noticed that the stories were going nowhere. I could skip whole sections and still get the same feeling from his writing. It’s writing for the sake of writing. (Like some ‘blogs.) When you read such stuff, it doesn’t really matter how much of it you read; you can miss a few lines, and not really lose the story line. The plot meanders.

In the first story, he manages to write about sex without using any words that start with the letter f, or going into unnecessary detail. A lesson that many beginning writers need to learn. (Of course, then he uses the infamous word that starts with the letter f in another way. So if you’re looking for stories without that word, this is not for you.)

I’d give Uncommon Type a fairly high rating on two points. First because you, like me, will probably pick up the book and think, “Tom Hanks wrote a book? Tom Hanks, the actor?” But then you’ll be pleasantly surprised to find that he can write pretty well. Second, because he has a love of life that is optimistic. I choose optimism over pessimism any day of the week.

I read another book recently by an author whose name starts with b. She wrote an awful book about elephants that doesn’t need to be mentioned by name any more than it needs to be read by anyone, ever. I couldn’t even finish it, it was so putrid. Reading it was like drinking from a puddle that a thirsty dog would avoid. It was like discarded carrion. It was like the stench of an outhouse visited by polecats.

In contrast: Tom Hanks’ book Uncommon Type was like Heaven after that hellacious book about elephants.

Frog Sauce

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It’s kind of like trying to imagine your own death. You can’t do it. No matter how many deaths you may have seen. Plants. Insects. Animals. Humans.

Even if you’ve witnessed the demise of other humans, you’ll be disarmed to try to imagine your own. You’ll suddenly find yourself out of imagination ammunition. You’ll be impeded by your subjective minutiae—every emotion, sensation, determination, and mental construct—we try to inject them in the scenario, ’til the scenario breaks down.

I call it Frog Sauce. Frog secretion is real enough. Its essence is to cause hallucinations in whatever animal comes in contact with it. It’s that natural defense that certain tree frogs have that coats their skin—and to which the frog itself is somehow immune. Lots of questions should immediately pop into your head. Does that happen for you? When I hear some cooly info about some living organism or scientific fact (and even “scientific facts” hee-hee-ha-ha-ho-ho…foo!), I suddenly have a head full of questions. The questions that come to my mind on this one:

Does the frog even know that he is a four-legged drug pusher?

Does the frog ever affect other frogs?

When the frogs are born, do they have this natural defense, or does the process take time? Are younger frogs more potent? Are older frogs impotent? Are pollywogs hyperactive?

Do any other self-destructive animals besides humans ever lick the frog on purpose?

Why do I trip about frogs when I only mean Frog Sauce metaphorically?

 

The “frog sauce” is not the defense, but the idea. That’s why it’s Frog Sauce. It’s all those things that we title and align and robustly define within our minds. It’s all those things so defined that they still elude us. We think we know so much about some distant thing, only to find we’ve been covered in it our whole life.

There’s a mathematical formula for Frog Sauce. It goes a little like this:

For every [ngleekh] there is an unequal, yet necessary [horkh].

 

Read that however you want, because my Frog Sauce is definitely not the same as yours.

 

How To: Debate with Humor

peekholesI tell this joke a lot. It never really happened, but I tell the joke so much, I think people might get the idea that it really went down the way I tell it.

So I was walking down the street and I see this friend of mine coming the other way. This friend of mine told me a long time ago he’s an atheist. We waved at each other and walked up to each other as if to talk, but when he got close enough, I kicked him in the shin really hard. He lurched away shocked and screamed, “Oh my God! What’d you do that for?” So I pointed my finger at him and said, “Ha! I caught you.”

The point of the joke is that even a self-professed atheist will often use the name “God” or “Jesus” in their everyday speech. And the question begged seems to be: Don’t they see the contradiction?

In reality, I have one friend that I know is a confessed atheist. He really does claim to not believe in God, and it takes all of my will-power to not ask him about the specifics of the god he doesn’t believe in. I’m really trying hard not to entrap him like that, because if your friend the “a-the-ist” starts defining God, or any god, you’ve got your friend in that predicament of listing attributes he should have already denied.

Despite my efforts of curbing my prankster self, there is very little wrong with debating people through your sense of humor. Case in point: my “agnostic” friend.

In the real world, I also have an agnostic friend. She has a more cyclic belief system. She says she believes that no one can know God–“if there is one.” Sometimes you can visibly see her facial expression change as she believes in God and then disbelieves. I don’t think it’s funny at all, or rather, I don’t make fun of her about it, but she laughs it off. Could she take on a debate with humor? Absolutely. And I think that makes a world of difference. If you can discuss a subject with someone, and you can both have fun with it, then you’ll both be winners at the end, even though debates are supposed to end with one winner and one loser.

Keeping with the theistic/atheistic theme here, I like to point out to atheists that the word a-the-ist can be broken down exactly like that. The T-H-E in the middle of that word means god (from Greek the or theos, meaning: god). So it’s kind of ironic, and definitely contradictory, that a person who doesn’t believe in a god of any kind would place a reminder of God right in the middle of their chosen name. Even better, the end of the word, the I-S-T part, means a person who adheres to a belief system. So even though the atheist believes there is no god, the atheist still has a belief system, a creed.

I know quite a few more jokes about atheists, and a few about God-fearing folk as well, but I think I’ll share those some other time. For this barchive, I want to end with a quote from Oscar Wilde:

“The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else…”

I’m not even sure he said that in seriousness or facetiousness, but it does seem like people* these days are cultivating that feeling, aren’t they?

 

*Especially me.

Fitness in Space

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Treadmills. Ellipticals. Recumbent bikes.

All things of the past.

When we, the human race, go exploring the spaces between planets, we’ll need some exercise routines to help us prevent bone loss. Plus we might need to be fit when we get to wherever we’re going.

Spherical mills with artificial gravity will be great for lower body work. They’ll keep us toned in our glutes and calves and quads as we try to maintain our balance atop a rotating sphere big enough for four people. One of the fun parts of this exercise will be to try to make other users lose their balance.

Resistance will be key to a lot of our weight-training exercises, so of course no bearings will get any grease. Anything with a tendency to oxidize will have its oxidation potential maximized, to create even more resistance. Moving parts on our weight equipment will not ever be lubed, but sprayed with oxidizing agents to promote the rust. Better still, we’ll just spray things down with a shaken can of Pepsi. Then all the moving parts will be sticky. We’ll never wash it off and let the cosmic dust collect inside. Would a can of Pepsi make it all the way to outer space? Would some enterprising scientist conduct an experiment to find out the answer to that question? Thanks.

Of course, there will be a few of us who take advantage of the weightlessness of space and we’ll do a lot of “heavy” lifting of objects hundreds of times bigger than us. Then we’ll holler out to our buddy, while we have the satellite over our head, “Hey, take my picture!”

Whatever. It’s still a workout.

Protein pills. We’ll also swallow lots of protein pills.

That’s all. The future is in a pill.

 

 

What to do with yer Bot

robot-2657140__480What to do with yer bot:

1. First you have to buy one. There should be a local bot store near you. Check the infonet for locations.

2. Cajole it. Don’t know how to do this? You’re already an irresponsible bot owner. (Just kidding. See the * below for a brief definition.)

3. Feed it Nanobytes brand bot feed.

4. Change its papers. You know. The papers in the bottom of its cage.

5. Comb its furry parts. Oil its scaly parts. Trim its claws. File its hardnose off.

6. Exercise it. Take it out for walks every day. Let it defecate on the neighbor’s lawn.

7. Shave the yakky parts. Ignore the gnuey parts.

7.5 Never put it in a cage.

8. Ride it like a horse until it’s nearly dead.

9. Vacuum out the pillow bed you’ve made for it in the garage. Let it rest.

10. When it’s rested and looking healthy, sell it at the bot farmer’s market.

11. Buy a new one.

12. Cajole it.

 

*Cajole: 1. Coax. 2. Lie. (So you either coax yer bot, or you tell it lies, whichever meaning of the word cajole you prefer.)