Warning: If you’re a fan of coffee, this article is not likely for you.

So I have this tree which drops so many small brown things, when they’re collected they look like coffee grounds. I’m so impressed with how much the droppings look like coffee grounds, I felt obliged to do something with them. Being a scientist with an experi-mental side (every good scientist has one, right?), I decided to conduct an experiment. I gathered up as much of the droppings as I could without gathering dirt, leaves, and twigs with them. Once gathered I knew I had to package them to create a factor of enticement. Bagging them wasn’t difficult, but selling them was. People who like coffee just aren’t into buying from local growers, you know? They want their name-brand quality, most of them. Since I couldn’t sell my “coffee”, I decided to give it away. The experiment wouldn’t really change with how people obtained it. There was of course, a catch. Like any good businessman (those exist, right?), I offered people a sampling of special coffee in exchange for a sampling of their contact information. With their contact information I could request critiques from them. That was the most important part of the experiment—feedback. I had to have feedback to get a real idea of what coffee lovers thought of their new beverage, their new experi-mental beverage.

When I received them, the responses were not simply interesting, they were absolutely unpredictable. There were some people who had a serious hate for this “new brew”. That was actually predictable, though it was the critique with the fewest participants, which I didn’t anticipate. Only 15% hated the so-called coffee I made out of tree leavings. Another small percentage, 25%, had emotions ranging from angry to disappointed because they claimed I gave them decaffeinated coffee. These were probably the smartest of the participants since they were right. It was caffeine-free coffee, that’s for sure. Another group, at about 27%, gave the “coffee” high compliments, saying it was their new favorite. One claimed it had a “nutty, natural flavor”. One even gushed, “Where has this been my whole life?” The last, and largest, group was the 33% who claimed I gave them super-caffeinated coffee. This group was full of people who told me they were bouncing off walls and hyped up like a kid on Halloween. I couldn’t quite gather if they were calling this a positive or a negative. Were they loving it or hating it? Who knows, but they all were commenting in ways that were ambiguous. I had to step myself back and try to be more objective in my reading. Regardless of how I viewed it, this was the majority, and their responses were not at all what I expected. They were basically claiming I gave them a caffeine overdose.

For a better experiment, next time, I’ll have to refine the questions put forth to the participants. The questioning needs to be more specific. I won’t be able to give my specialized coffee grounds to any of you, of course, because you’ll be too smart for me to trick you. And next time I’ll have to deny all the farce for a more rounded conclusion to the experi-mental experiment.