Xenosthesia.com

The Way Grandpa Talks

Everyone should have a grandpa sometime in their life. It makes life so much better if you get to listen to one talk. There’s a special difference in the way a grandpa talks and the way a dad talks. They come from different generations—different eras.

For those who don’t know, a grandpa is a part of the family unit who was once your dad’s dad or your mom’s dad. A dad’s dad is interesting because he will have had some great influence on your dad. Probably. It’s understandable if your family unit is not the same as everyone else’s. That okay and fine. Regardless of what your family looks like, there is a biological necessity for parents and grandparents. Without them, there would be no birth, no next generation. The point here is that no matter how odd your family is, compared to the family next door, you will still have grandparents somewhere along the branches of your tree.

If possible, and you haven’t met him before, go find your grandpa. Ask him a few questions. Get the conversation started. He will amaze you. No doubt about it. His voice may sound gravelly from time and the elements. He may have an accent you didn’t know was in the family. Definitely, he will use words you didn’t know existed, or of which you don’t know the meaning. He might even construct his sentences backwards and inside out in such a way as will get you thinking you’re talking to Yoda.

Whatever way he talks, you’ll end up loving it, because he will have so many great, epic, and weird stories filled with colorful adjectives and equally colorful euphemisms.

Why? Because that’s how everyone told stories when he was younger, and he brought that way of talking with him along with the memories. Another thing he may have brought with him is the wisdom of those memories combined with the things he knows now.

You’re sure to gain a little of that if you listen well. So find one of your grandpas, if either one is still alive, and get him talking. You’re in for a treat.

Experi-Mental

Warning: If you’re a fan of coffee, this article is not likely for you.

So I have this tree which drops so many small brown things, when they’re collected they look like coffee grounds. I’m so impressed with how much the droppings look like coffee grounds, I felt obliged to do something with them. Being a scientist with an experi-mental side (every good scientist has one, right?), I decided to conduct an experiment. I gathered up as much of the droppings as I could without gathering dirt, leaves, and twigs with them. Once gathered I knew I had to package them to create a factor of enticement. Bagging them wasn’t difficult, but selling them was. People who like coffee just aren’t into buying from local growers, you know? They want their name-brand quality, most of them. Since I couldn’t sell my “coffee”, I decided to give it away. The experiment wouldn’t really change with how people obtained it. There was of course, a catch. Like any good businessman (those exist, right?), I offered people a sampling of special coffee in exchange for a sampling of their contact information. With their contact information I could request critiques from them. That was the most important part of the experiment—feedback. I had to have feedback to get a real idea of what coffee lovers thought of their new beverage, their new experi-mental beverage.

When I received them, the responses were not simply interesting, they were absolutely unpredictable. There were some people who had a serious hate for this “new brew”. That was actually predictable, though it was the critique with the fewest participants, which I didn’t anticipate. Only 15% hated the so-called coffee I made out of tree leavings. Another small percentage, 25%, had emotions ranging from angry to disappointed because they claimed I gave them decaffeinated coffee. These were probably the smartest of the participants since they were right. It was caffeine-free coffee, that’s for sure. Another group, at about 27%, gave the “coffee” high compliments, saying it was their new favorite. One claimed it had a “nutty, natural flavor”. One even gushed, “Where has this been my whole life?” The last, and largest, group was the 33% who claimed I gave them super-caffeinated coffee. This group was full of people who told me they were bouncing off walls and hyped up like a kid on Halloween. I couldn’t quite gather if they were calling this a positive or a negative. Were they loving it or hating it? Who knows, but they all were commenting in ways that were ambiguous. I had to step myself back and try to be more objective in my reading. Regardless of how I viewed it, this was the majority, and their responses were not at all what I expected. They were basically claiming I gave them a caffeine overdose.

For a better experiment, next time, I’ll have to refine the questions put forth to the participants. The questioning needs to be more specific. I won’t be able to give my specialized coffee grounds to any of you, of course, because you’ll be too smart for me to trick you. And next time I’ll have to deny all the farce for a more rounded conclusion to the experi-mental experiment.

Aaaah, Spring!

Spring is when we all get out of the dungeons we usually inhabit, get some real air in our lungs, and rediscover the sun. We get outside! Yeeeehai!

It’s almost like we’re back from the dead, only not quite as extreme. Don’t mix it up with being undead either, that’s something entirely different. Spring isn’t about being staked inside your coffin, it’s about flowers popping out of the ground, trees leafing out, and people getting exercise outside.

Spring is the window to the soul of Summer. Without Spring, Winter and Summer would have a very strange relationship. Spring is the linking element between snow and heat.

With Spring, we all see the days growing longer. Our pets seem to sense the difference too. Does your dog play more in the Spring than in Winter? Does your cat find more window-shaped spaces in the house to nap in when Spring comes around?

You really know the change of weather is affecting people when your local car wash starts giving away free car washes. Of course, nothing is truly free in the business world. They either want you to give up some of your personal information, like a phone number in exchange for that free car wash, or they want you to buy a punch pass. “Buy ten, get one free,” they tell you.

If it’s really Spring, and you don’t like their gimmicks, just go home and wash your car with the garden hose and a bucket. Wash your car in the yard and water the plants at the same time.

One other thing you may notice is that a whole lot of people will be talking about it. Spring is the hottest topic of all time. We love talking about the weather anyway, but when Spring comes around, there’s no stopping us. Talk about it, play in it, even get your dog out in it—it’s Spring!

Flying Dream II

Flying Dream II continues the story of Adam Bahn, who began his piloting career as a genetic experiment. His journey continues as he discovers more about the mysterious Remote Viewers who are challenged to track his every move.

One Remote Viewer in particular, Tara, can remotely follow him wherever he goes. Because she has an unending connection to him and he is relentless, their paths are certain to cross.

Buy it now on Amazon.

St. Patrick’s Day

Church in the morning, pub fights in the evening. In the middle of the day we’ll have an Irish stew which is lamb and potatoes stew. On the side there’s a bacon cabbage dish which is delish. We may have soda bread, if everyone feels like it. For dessert there will be apple cake and fifteens (a dessert which combines biscuits, marshmallows, and cherries). To drink there’s stout for the old beggars with big noses. The old beggars have a smell you don’t want to cultivate though, so stick with the cider—it’s not yet fermented. Sometime during the day there will be a rugby game, a futbol game, and a horse race. For the faster set, there will be a Hurling game. It’s played on a futbol-sized field with lots of players who sometimes don’t know they’re supposed to be on the bench. Hurling is like lacrosse except they don’t catch the ball in a small net on the end of the stick. In Hurling, they only smack the ball around. Hurling is what you do when your hockey stick is broken and you only have half a hockey stick.

Some Irish words and phrases you may want to mix in your St. Patrick’s day, or every day:

A Chara = friend.

A Chroi = my heart, my love.

Acting the maggot = being rotten, swimming in filth.

Banjaxed = broken.

Bleeding massive = fantastic, epic.

Bodach = a bogeyman.

Cailin = girl.

Class = excellent.

Coddin’ ya = just kidding.

Dead sound = genuine, friendly, reliable.

Fair play = well done, good job.

Gas = really good, fun.

How’s she cuttin’ = how’s it going?

I will, yeah = I definitely will not.

Kern = a foot soldier.

Manky = dirty, rotten.

Now we’re suckin’ diesel = making progress.

Pure dote = adorable.

Slob = mud.

Up to 90 = very busy.

Yoke = thing.

Yonks = a very long time