Pizza Toppings


Who knew pizza toppings could be the height of controversy? Apparently, in an era of such controversial topics as genetic manipulation, augmented reality, abortion, fake science, and Disney, people get bored of those conversations. We all need something to talk about. We all need distractions. Some of us even “need” something to complain about, so it’s lucky for us we have pizza toppings.

Forget about fish. Anchovies are the controversial pizza topping of the past. Nobody even mentions those these days.

Cauliflower. If you want to start tongues wagging, bring up cauliflower. This lovely veggie isn’t only on top of the pizza, it’s the crust! Not willing to stop at toppings, Keto dieters have gone and made the entire pizza out of cauliflower. How this magic works, I don’t know. Somehow the flower is turned into flour and then, just like any pizza, the dough is flung in the air like some kind of soggy Frisbee. Then, BOOM! Pizza!

Fried egg. Yes, people put some weird things on pizza. In my opinion, if you’re going to put a fried egg on top of a pizza, then you may as well put toast, waffles, maple syrup, bacon…

Bacon. You might not think this is a controversial topic. What’s wrong with bacon? Bacon has been on pizza since the beginning, right? Possibly. Maybe. The disagreement comes from those who don’t wish for an animal to die so they can eat pizza. They have a valid point. Whether it tastes good, or not, is subjective.

Mushrooms. Mushrooms are a mild, innocuous controversy, like Ellen’s fashion sense, or rugby protective gear. Most people shrug it off. Usually mushrooms are accompanied by olives, which are as mild a topping topic as anything.

Cheese. What? Someone complained about cheese on pizza? If you don’t like cheese, then you don’t like pizza.

Caviar. Sure, you want to be like the super rich but still eat commoner food. Throw some caviar on your pizza! Now you have the elements of two worlds in your mouth. Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you spit it out, because it isn’t much different from having anchovies.

Marijuana. This is a new one. I haven’t heard many people really arguing about this. Marijuana is controversial on its own, so it’s possible this could be the controversial pizza topping that takes over for pineapple.

Pineapple. Possibly the most controversial of all toppings, pineapple is like rap music and country music combined. People who love one, hate the other. People who love both, hate the mix. People who hate both would rather eat pineapple on a pizza…even if they’re allergic. Pineapple will get the most shy introvert to start arguing either for or against. Pineapple on pizza is the dividing topic of all nations. Nations have fallen because they couldn’t agree on whether to get a pepperoni only or a large Hawaiian.

All joking aside though, pineapple is the distraction people have been needing to take their minds off of mindless politics, moral issues, and the mortgage. If not for pineapple, the world would be full of psychotic personalities. We should all be glad there’s something to talk about. Pineapple is it, whether you like to eat it with your pizza, or not.

To Turn a Phrase


Hyperbole is embedded so deeply in everyday language, we can’t possibly extricate it.

No one ever wants to see what it looks like when skin crawls. It’s a phrase with a meaning beyond the norm when you say, “My skin is crawling.”

Sort of like when you say you can feel it in your bones. It only means you can feel it deeply. Bones don’t feel much, really, do they?

Will you go to pieces over this?

Have you ever turned a phrase?

When you take time, where do you put it?

What do you think when you see standing water?

Have you ever been so happy you were beside yourself?

And love—don’t even get me started on love. Love has arms, love bites, love will take you there, love is the enemy, love is life, love stinks, love rescued me, love can break down the walls inside, and love came shining through. There is nothing love cannot do. Love has all the attributes of everything imaginable. Love takes on anthropomorphism with the care of a construction worker with a brand new bulldozer and a tank full of gas. Love blooms in the metaphorical metaphysical like all the daisies ever seeded. But don’t treat love wrong. Be kind, because love is blind. Don’t be rude, dude.

A rude dude could kiss someone with his fist, shoot the bull, raise hell, and drink like a fish. If anyone in their right mind stopped to ponder the literal meaning of any one of these phrases one by one, or even most of the meaningless things we say, they might find how little is real.

Which brings to mind a question: If you embellish an exaggeration, do you end with a layman’s workday?

It could be worse. My cousin’s friend went too far with a story, started embellishing every detail, and she ended up in a different galaxy. She took it too far. You see?

Do you see what I’m saying?

What could happen if we threw in the towel and decided not to talk at all? What if we decided not to write the trite and overused meaningless words? The phrases would still be in our minds—and in our hearts. That’s not all in our hearts. I have whole people in my heart. Trust me when I tell you it’s where they belong.

Lucky Guess


A list of a bunch of things you’ll end up doing in life:

1. Someday you’ll think you have more time than you really do. You’ll schedule more things in the day than you really have time to complete. You’ll over-schedule. You’ll over-plan and end up getting only a fraction of it all done. You’ll under-plan next time.

2. You’ll fall in love with someone. You might deny it at first. But then you’ll feel that connection grow stronger and you’ll wonder what’s wrong with your brain, but then you’ll realize it’s not your brain at all, it’s your heart.

3. Someday you’ll lose something. Your purse. Your wallet. Your cell phone. You’ll look for days and never find it.

4. Eventually you’ll have a loved one die. How you deal with this one will depend on your level of faith in the afterlife.

5. One day you’ll find some music that fills your whole heart and soul, mind and body with happiness. Enjoy that moment. Try to remember it.

6. Someday you’re going to forget something important.

7. One day you’ll lose weight. And another, you’ll gain weight.

8. One day you’ll be teased by someone who should have been your friend.

9. At some point in life you may tease someone else, and you’ll probably regret it. You’ll think back to when someone made fun of you, and you might have empathy for that person because now you know how they feel, swimming in regret.

10. One day you’re going to meet someone who knows more about you than you thought anyone should, then you’ll realize it was all just lucky guessing.

Don’t Mention It.


Breaking from the normal thought processes, I’m going to offer some blogging advice: Don’t Mention It. That’s the gist of it. Keep your mouth shut. My blogging advice is to keep your mouth shut. No not really. Not entirely. I’ll explain.

For explanation, I’ll offer up the examples I’ve seen, the first of which is when the blogger tells you, “Sorry my post is so crappy today,” and then they begin to tell you all the excuses why, as if you wanted to know, “I had lots of laundry today.”

Not good practice. It would have been better if Captain Blog didn’t mention it. Laundry isn’t the most interesting thing in the universe. Reading about laundry is even less interesting.

Here’s another one, usually following a holiday or a weekend, a blogger will tell everyone, “I wasn’t able to get much done in my blog because I was so busy with other things. I had to schedule a colonoscopy, my dog died, my apartment was a wreck and my mother was coming to visit.”

Obviously, the most interesting part of all that is how and why this person groups a colonoscopy in the same category as their mother coming to visit. Sigmund Freud just dug himself up out of his grave.

Remember my advice: Don’t Mention It.

Personal problems don’t necessarily make interesting articles. Sure, a reader can choose to read about your personal problems, or not. Like changing the channel on the television, the audience can move on to something else. I suppose you could even detail the colonoscopy you scheduled, if you felt the urge, but I can’t imagine there being a huge audience for such stuff.

Another one that maybe only bothers me and no one else in the whole world, is when someone makes an entirely new blog post about how the previous post was full of errors. “I didn’t mean to have so many mispelled words, please forgive me, cause i’m not used to so much resposibitley of making blog every day.”

Okay, we get it, you’re new. But if your every entry is about how bad you are at the blogging, it might be better for the entire infonet if you just quit. Wouldn’t it be great if we all recognized our limits? Even Eddie Van Halen realized his band was nothing without a singer. That’s why he had two, count ’em, two, different singers. But now, that’s almost off topic…


Don’t mention it.

Instead of telling people how bad you are at grammar, punctuation, and spelling, maybe take a new track and start detailing how you learned there are two esses in the word misspelled, how you learned where the colon goes, how you learned to make it work, how you managed to make time for the latest article, or how you managed to have your mother visit AND get the blog done. Wouldn’t that be something? A post like that would help others learn how to juggle a busy schedule, or even how to spell.

Wouldn’t it be better if the apologetic blogger just fixed the errors rather than spending so much time apologizing? Grammar, punctuation, spelling—these are the three major ingredients to readable sentences. It only takes the reader half a minute to read the article, so it shouldn’t take the writer much longer to re-read, proofread, and edit.

Finally, I’ll take my own advice and tell you I’ve learned recently the word harassment only has one are and two esses. Embarrassment, on the other hand, has two ares and two esses. Cool, eh?

(Next time, I’ll write about whether it’s better to spell out a letter name phonetically, like ares and esses, or to capitalize them, like Ss and Rs.)

The Convincing


For so many of us traveling through life, the meaning of individual life gets blurred with the purpose. Getting caught up in the usual struggles associated with survival can blind us to our goals. Losing sight of the basic principles of existence is like entering a room and forgetting why you went in there. Stare at the walls of the room all you want, they don’t offer any answers. Or do they?

We all do a lot of convincing. Sometimes we convince others, but mostly we convince ourselves. How many, on this journey through life, spend a lot of energy convincing a brain of its own correctness? We have an inner desire to be right. We all seem to have a drive to get on the right side of any issue. We want to get there quickly and stay there. We feel like there’s safety in the formed opinion. The longer you’re on the wrong side of the road, the more likely you are to get wrecked. Right?

Or maybe we only think it’s like that.

I wonder what would happen if, instead of arriving early and setting up residence, we decided to be undecided. What if we didn’t try to convince ourselves we are right about everything and instead decided to discover? What if, instead of forming an opinion and standing firmly on that opinion, we created a fluid sense of our opinions? How would life change if our need to form bias was controlled by our will rather than by whoever shouts the same bias loudest or with the most flowery language? Would we learn more? Would we learn less? Is it possible to loosen a set of opinions gathered over a lifetime? Is it possible we’re limiting ourselves with our set way of thinking?

What’s amazing is we do it every moment of every day. At this moment, any one of us is adding bricks to a wall of opinions. It’s a metaphorical wall inside our minds. We all have one. The question here is: What kind of wall are you building? You need to know if your wall is defense against the outside world or self-made prison. Is it keeping you from getting hurt? Is it keeping you from getting out? Is it a wall of mossy green? A wall of flame? A wall of bones? Or is it a short wall so you can still manage to have conversations with the neighbors?

However we decide to do life, we must survive. If changing your opinion puts you in danger, then don’t listen to me. Keep doing what you’re doing to survive.

Metaphorical walls can have metaphorical gates, windows, and even fluid sections, bricks made of smoke, bricks made of glass, bricks made of magma. We each do what is important for our individual life. We get to decide if our walls are formed from a solid-bedrock-convincing or from a wet-sand-convincing like a sand castle we get to form again and again in ever-changing styles, a never-ending masterpiece of discovery.