Xenosthesia.com

Angsty Frogs

Born For Dis.

Whenever you come upon an acronym or abbreviation, and that acronym or abbreviation is not defined in any way within the surrounding text, you have my complete and utter permission to invent the meaning. So, if you come upon a BFD, wild and untamed, feel free to start taming it and give it a pet name of your choosing. Born For Dis makes a lot of sense to me…

This is the disclaimer part. You might think I would get in so much trouble for telling you to do this next part, but you’d be wrong, because I actually have zero authority here. If I tell you to write in any book you come across with an undefined acronym, it carries no authoritative weight. You write what you want where you want because your will is your own. But it would be so funny if you were reading some mind-slaughtering textbook and you came across an acronym for an equally mind-slaughtering concept such as FIRFA, the Radar Frequency Act of 2049, and you wrote in the margins “Federally Insured Rabbit Fluffers of America”.

All the underrated Rabbit Fluffers of the world will appreciate you.

You could get even wilder than that, if your creativity demands it.

The same creativity could guide you to insert an Angsty Frog, every time you see someone add an AF to their text messages.

Maybe your friend sends, “I’m tired AF.”

Then you send back, “You’re a tired Angsty Frog?”

Then they send back, “SMH.”

“So Much Hummus? Send More Haggis? Are you hungry or something?”

Then they don’t send anything…for a long time. Don’t worry, he or she is still your friend. Even though you are “Sure To Feel Underrated” and that’s not at all what everyone meant when they sent you STFU, do realize you will always have friends in the Rabbit Fluffer crowd.

Sports Psychic

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You don’t have it all.

If you thought you did, then you need to listen to this: In the country of Belize, they have a Sports Psychic. The Sports Psychic can predict how your favorite team or athlete will perform in the next game or the next competition. Using occult knowledge and resources like astrology or bones, the general cast of the game will be predicted.

This is not new. The Romans used similar technics to try to guess the health of their sacrificial Christian competitors and the comparative health of the hungry lions in the same arena. Back then, the Romans did not call it a “Sports Psychic,” rather the job was referred to as Maleficus, sometimes as Incantator, and, if the person was wrong much of the time, then it was Altera Victima (next victim).

Today though, we don’t send lions in after our volleyball teams to see how many survive before the lion is full. We don’t make swim teams swim through pools of poisonous jellyfish and then ask the “Magus” to predict who will complete a lap. We let the muscles and the steroids decide.

However, if you want to add the aspect of the psychic arts to your spectating experience, look no further than the Sports Psychic.

And now imagine how the Sports Psychic could improve any sport. The Sports Psychic could consult with your losing team and convince them it’s not their lack of skill which is keeping them down but the fact that they all wear the same color of socks on the Thursday after a Jupiter moon syzygy. If only they’d change their socks, they might begin to win.

Perhaps the Sports Psychic could align the appropriate spirits to get Tiger Woods back in action. Who knows but the Sports Psychic could predict conditions on the mountain for mountain bikers, line out the days for fishermen to catch the best fish, predict the big waves for surfers, or even tell us if Razer will win another robot battle soon.

***Gilroy “Press” Cadogan, the Sports Psychic, can be found on Facebook and 7 News Belize.***

New car?

Top ten reasons to replace your old car:

10. The miles per gallon is like a good golf score.

9. Worn upholstery, peeling paint, and other aesthetics.

8. Unidentifiable noise.

7. It won’t pass registration.

6. Electric motors all need to be recoiled/rebuilt.

5. Most of the miles are off-road miles.

4. Dead animal in the engine compartment.

3. It just ain’t cool anymore.

2. Your neighbor’s tree fell on it.

1. The authorities have assured you it can’t be retrieved from the lake.

Earth Love

If you love the green of trees, if you love the smell of rain, if you love being outside, you might be a sandal-wearing hippie. On the other hand, you may have Earth Love.

Love isn’t exclusive to hippies. It isn’t reserved for Christians. Love doesn’t only happen on the day you get married, and it isn’t only felt for other people. Love can be felt, undoubtedly, for pets and other animals, and yes, love can be felt for the planet on which we reside.

The greatest aspect of recognizing when you have a love for Earth is the feeling of responsibility for Earth. We don’t live here for free. Not 100% free. If we enjoy clean water to drink, there are things we absolutely must do to have it. Likewise with good, healthy food. If we wish to survive at all, we have to take action.

Earth Love, of course, goes beyond survival. It helps us care for the animals and plants not directly in our food chain. This kind of love transcends our inner natural-selection self.

When you start feeling a love for the Earth, and the earth which is its constitution, you discover an ability to care even for nearly invisible organisms such as macrobiotic crust. Yes, ALL varieties of macrobiotic crust—the dietary kind, and the living earth kind.

Could you imagine? Caring for lichen? Caring about algae? Caring about the current state of cyanobacteria?

Of course you can, because you have Earth Love.

Chums

Photo by Oleksiy Konstantinidi,ud83cudf3bud83cuddfaud83cudde6ud83cudf3b on Pexels.com

My friend Rudy Magrudian spun a Q-tip so fast he started a fire in his ear.

He said, “That’s nothing. You should see what I can do with a box of matches.”

He once promised that if we were ever in a robbery, he would shield me from all the bullets. All the bullets in the whole world.

His catchphrase is, “I thought it was a poop but it was only a fart.”

He has a collection of electrical panel knockouts. Enough that he could melt them down and make his own Panzer.

If it wasn’t for Rudy, there would be a lot more work done in the world. He has a tendency to distract. He has what we call a distraction attraction. It’s like a magnet that makes people around him stop working. His own workflow is completely sporadic. He attracts people into his distraction and then falls for it himself.

He claims he once made a perfectly working sailboat out of a bunch of coconuts.

There was some controversy over it, but he did grow some hair for the donate-hair-for-cancer-patients program. It wasn’t ’til later that they found out it was armpit hair.

My chum, my pal, my friend isn’t sure if he likes apple trees or lemon trees better. He’s willing to sit and think it over though.

He’s unapologetically loud, and apologetically crass. So much so he ends up saying he’s sorry at full volume before he even gets the swear words out.

Rudy Magrudian, star of the supermarket, has sung songs over the PA system in every supermarket from Tulsa to Tacoma. They almost always find him before he finishes the song and escort him out of the store. The one time he did finish is because he sang a short one. It was that dirge, “Happy Birthday.”

His shirt size is extra extra medium.

If not for Rudy, a lot of kittens would have drowned. He has saved kittens in a sack multiple times from raging rivers. Just ask him about it. He’ll tell you.

There was once a motorcycle gang terrorizing a small town, but Rudy went in and cleaned it all up, scaring the gang out of there. He set up traps, bombs, and wires until every last one of the gang lost their motorcycle, got clotheslined, or fell in a pit. You know, come to think of it, that sounds a whole lot like an A-team episode. Maybe Rudy isn’t as real as I thought.

But he’s never seen a Hitchcock film, so he can’t be that cool. You know?