Xenosthesia.com

Chums

Photo by Oleksiy Konstantinidi,ud83cudf3bud83cuddfaud83cudde6ud83cudf3b on Pexels.com

My friend Rudy Magrudian spun a Q-tip so fast he started a fire in his ear.

He said, “That’s nothing. You should see what I can do with a box of matches.”

He once promised that if we were ever in a robbery, he would shield me from all the bullets. All the bullets in the whole world.

His catchphrase is, “I thought it was a poop but it was only a fart.”

He has a collection of electrical panel knockouts. Enough that he could melt them down and make his own Panzer.

If it wasn’t for Rudy, there would be a lot more work done in the world. He has a tendency to distract. He has what we call a distraction attraction. It’s like a magnet that makes people around him stop working. His own workflow is completely sporadic. He attracts people into his distraction and then falls for it himself.

He claims he once made a perfectly working sailboat out of a bunch of coconuts.

There was some controversy over it, but he did grow some hair for the donate-hair-for-cancer-patients program. It wasn’t ’til later that they found out it was armpit hair.

My chum, my pal, my friend isn’t sure if he likes apple trees or lemon trees better. He’s willing to sit and think it over though.

He’s unapologetically loud, and apologetically crass. So much so he ends up saying he’s sorry at full volume before he even gets the swear words out.

Rudy Magrudian, star of the supermarket, has sung songs over the PA system in every supermarket from Tulsa to Tacoma. They almost always find him before he finishes the song and escort him out of the store. The one time he did finish is because he sang a short one. It was that dirge, “Happy Birthday.”

His shirt size is extra extra medium.

If not for Rudy, a lot of kittens would have drowned. He has saved kittens in a sack multiple times from raging rivers. Just ask him about it. He’ll tell you.

There was once a motorcycle gang terrorizing a small town, but Rudy went in and cleaned it all up, scaring the gang out of there. He set up traps, bombs, and wires until every last one of the gang lost their motorcycle, got clotheslined, or fell in a pit. You know, come to think of it, that sounds a whole lot like an A-team episode. Maybe Rudy isn’t as real as I thought.

But he’s never seen a Hitchcock film, so he can’t be that cool. You know?

Pop Tarts with Protein

Of course, I had to try these. If you’re a long-time fan of something and they make an improvement, you’re going to want to see what that improvement is all about.

I could tease you and say, “Let’s talk about Pop Tarts for about six paragraphs and then I’ll tell you what my critique is.” That’s not my style. I’ll just dish it out right here. Pop Tarts with Protein are as good as Pop Tarts without. I hope the company keeps making them and doesn’t just call it a novelty run.

When I tried it, I was surprised at how flexible these Pop Tarts were. The protein gives the Pop Tarts a different texture so they bend instead of crumble. If you took the original Pop Tarts backpacking, you could expect to have a lot of crumbs in the package. I didn’t take my Pop Tarts with Protein backpacking, but I could see when I opened the package that the two tarts were much more supple than their original counterparts. And for the record, I don’t mind having a bunch of crumbs, but this new style is looking to be backpack friendly.

The flavor was exactly as expected. I tried the brown sugar kind and they tasted just like the old ones, though there was a hint of protein. It reminded me of having a smoothie with whey protein added. The protein has a noticeable, not overwhelming, taste.

Critique summary: I liked ’em.

Now for the Pop Tart facts. Fact number one: they are an alternative option for all the granola bars out there.

Fact number two: I don’t know anyone who toasts them.

Fact number three: Pop Tarts are the fuel of choice for Adam Bahn, pilot and engineer. He invented the Flying Dream, a hovercar that runs off of chemical electricity. He knows how to start his day. With a Pop Tart.

Eating Right (Now)

Photo by Anastasia Ilina-Makarova on Pexels.com

Eating healthy foods is easy, right? There’s so much of it around. And yet, there are so many ways to not eat healthy. Chocolate cake is not all that healthy for me, and it seems we’re having it a lot lately. There’s always someone wanting it, even though it’s not their birthday. Someone among us is always willing to make the cake too. Do you have one of these at your house? The person who is ready, willing, and able to pop a chocolate cake in the oven any time and then serve it, they are contributing to everyone’s enlarged waist. Everyone in my house needs new pants now. We’re getting soft and flabby. Of course, it has nothing to do with the fact that I have to buy every known variety of cookie on the market—and then make some from scratch too—it can’t be that. Purely coincidental.

There is a way. I’m not sure how effective it is though. We need an experiment. Society at-large needs a documentary, sort of like Super Size Me, only in this one the person would only eat foods made the healthy way. They would eat black bean brownies, carrot cookies, and brussel sprout lollipops. When they were a month into it, they would stop and go back to eating whatever they used to eat, and we’d all see the difference. Is it healthier to eat that way, or to just have the salad in front of you undisguised? This experiment would help us all know what the truth is. Should I continue eating the chocolate cake as dessert for my salad, or should I infuse it with whey protein, rutabaga, and kale and rename it “salad”?

Eostre (Easter)

Like many Christian holidays, Easter supplants a pagan holiday. The pagan holiday being thrust down here is the celebration of Spring, once called “Eostre”. Along with Spring, the pagans used to celebrate fertility and new life. Nothing wrong with any of that, right? It is interesting that they were celebrating new life while those of Jewish persuasion were celebrating Passover, and Passover is around the time of the Messiah’s resurrection. All these things having to do with salvation from death. They belong together.

If you’re not aware of what Passover is, then here’s a brief introduction. When the Israelites were enslaved by the Egyptians, and Moses was trying to get them out of Egypt, there were several challenges, or plagues set on Egypt. One of these plagues was foretold to everyone in Egypt, Israelites and Egyptians alike, that death would come to certain children unless the blood of a sacrificial lamb was placed on the door of their house. If the blood was present, then death would “Passover” that house. After children were saved, of course a celebration was held and continued in legend and tradition, right up to our present day.

Some traditional foods for Passover meals are: unleavened bread (Matzah), kosher-rabbit meat, boiled eggs, Gefilte fish, and roasted chicken. Hmm, boiled eggs. Are they dyed first? Could be.

You can see how the separate traditions all mix together to symbolize new life, resurrection, Spring, and salvation. We kept the name Easter from the pagans, but then added in all the extras with western capitalism. Everything chocolate is exactly that. When you see chocolate chickens, eggs, rabbits, and yes, even chocolate crosses, you know your holiday is sprinkled with a bit of paganism and a lot of capitalism. So while you may not remember to feast on Passover, you may celebrate new life at Easter with a chocolate bunny. Make sure when you eat that bunny to eat it head first. Any other way is not kosher.

The Way Grandpa Talks

Everyone should have a grandpa sometime in their life. It makes life so much better if you get to listen to one talk. There’s a special difference in the way a grandpa talks and the way a dad talks. They come from different generations—different eras.

For those who don’t know, a grandpa is a part of the family unit who was once your dad’s dad or your mom’s dad. A dad’s dad is interesting because he will have had some great influence on your dad. Probably. It’s understandable if your family unit is not the same as everyone else’s. That okay and fine. Regardless of what your family looks like, there is a biological necessity for parents and grandparents. Without them, there would be no birth, no next generation. The point here is that no matter how odd your family is, compared to the family next door, you will still have grandparents somewhere along the branches of your tree.

If possible, and you haven’t met him before, go find your grandpa. Ask him a few questions. Get the conversation started. He will amaze you. No doubt about it. His voice may sound gravelly from time and the elements. He may have an accent you didn’t know was in the family. Definitely, he will use words you didn’t know existed, or of which you don’t know the meaning. He might even construct his sentences backwards and inside out in such a way as will get you thinking you’re talking to Yoda.

Whatever way he talks, you’ll end up loving it, because he will have so many great, epic, and weird stories filled with colorful adjectives and equally colorful euphemisms.

Why? Because that’s how everyone told stories when he was younger, and he brought that way of talking with him along with the memories. Another thing he may have brought with him is the wisdom of those memories combined with the things he knows now.

You’re sure to gain a little of that if you listen well. So find one of your grandpas, if either one is still alive, and get him talking. You’re in for a treat.