Zombie Origins

As every child who has ever asked their momma knows, zombies come from spores.

Spores are wicked, little gobs of dusty fuzz that cling to the following: the undersides of plants, chewed up gum on the sidewalk, dried up mushrooms, carbon dioxide molecules, political parties, anti-gender tweets, socks, and of course in the vapor of an electronic cigarette. There are so many places they could hide, it’s almost impossible to prevent the spread. They were once discovered in the bones of a mastodon frozen in Siberian ice. Fortunately, those spores were neutralized before they could infect a new age of victims.

With every gust of wind, or careless step of a traveler, the spores are released from their hiding places and sent to the air around us where they are breathed in by unwary and unlucky souls. Whoever breathes in this toxic dust will first act as if they’ve been drinking, with slurred speech and lowered inhibitions, then soon after they will start to search for brains. This is because the spores will be consuming the infected individual’s brain, turning them into a zombie. Soon he, or she, will have a sudden urge to find brains elsewhere.

Keep your eyes aware and your brain engaged! If you’re wondering about the origins of things, be sure to ask your momma.

Most importantly, be prepared to meet some zombies in real life. Be on the lookout for those around you who appear to be searching for something they no longer have—and watch your step!