Clean

How to be clean:

Soap.

Of course, good old soap. But not that new stuff. If you stack it up, you can’t tell the difference between stacked soap and stacked blocks of cheese.

Both are aromatic. Both are colorful and brick-like. That colorful square you thought was soap could actually be cheese. Be careful, and yes, “choose wisely”.

The oldest methods of making soap are best.

Why?

Lye.

It burned a little going across the skin. That was the point though, right? Burn the top layer, then rinse. Chemically changing the top layer of skin is a method of cleaning mimicked in cleaning everything from silverware to automobiles. Chemical burns are so cleansing, and yet the rinse is the important part. Don’t burn the top TWO layers.

Rinse, rinse, rinse.

How else can we be clean?

Alcohol.

Silly, bald man.

No, not in you.

And who said this silly, bald man is drinking alcohol anyway? Did you judge him somehow? I didn’t mean to make you think he was three pints into the drink. I wanted to talk about what to do with the alcohol.

Honestly, I think you all know what to do with the alcohol. You’ve all been buying the Purell like it was the last source of oxygen on the space station, or the best steak sandwich you’ve ever had, or a tested and proven love potion. And just like that love potion, you’re not supposed to drink it, you’re supposed to bathe in it.

That’s right. Bathe in alcohol. It will make and keep you clean.

Just one caution. While you’re bathing in alcohol, remember the rule: No Smoking.

Is there any other way to be clean?

Yes. Shave your head.

Shaving your head will make the very tip top of you clean.

And when you’re all tip top clean, you’ll be happy.