You Too Can Be Offended

For those feeling like an outsider because they have nothing to be offended about, here’s a convenient list:

1. Whether you’re a fan of country or a fan of rap music, or if you don’t care for either of them, you can be offended that someone out there is still trying to succeed at mixing the two. That so-called artist is only succeeding at ruining both, and music in general.
2. Venmo, PayPal, Tesla, Spacex: all owned by Elon Musk. So offensive. (Or maybe I’m only jealous.)
3. Be offended at your neighbor’s lawn full of dandelions. Don’t they care about their lawn the way you do?
4. Contrariwise, your other neighbor’s super green, chemically-enhanced lawn puts chemicals in the ground water.
5. You could be offended that drones can fly but cars cannot.
6. You could be offended that Kanye West still isn’t president of anything.
7. You could be offended at coffee drinkers who treat their coffee cups like India’s sacred cow.
8. Be offended at the gender-swapper who is her own brother.
9. And yes, you can be offended at the eighth suggestion. Do it! Now, be offended that I’m bossing you around.
10. Be offended at the royal family, just because.
11. Moments of meditation. All those moments do is drive you to be more calm and less offended, when all you want is to be offended. Who needs inner peace?
12. Be offended that your phone is taking pictures of everything around you to focus the advertising you see and hear.
13. Companies replacing human jobs with robots. Truly offensive. No joke there.
14. Be offended by any movie or television show with sloppy-cam (ahem, Falcon and the Winter Soldier). That pedantic filming style died long ago.
15. Be offended that most chewing gum is laced with the same chemicals your neighbor puts on their lawn.
16. Be offended that your teacher gives you homework but your school is online. It’s ALL “homework,” isn’t it?
17. Be offended that people want you to “believe in science” like it’s some kind of new-age religion.
18. Be offended that the song by Ke$ha got made into a really bad video app, or vise versa.
19. Be offended that there are slow learners among the human population.
20. Be offended that you are among the human population.
21. Be offended at the division of society in which you fit.
22. Be offended at anyone who stereotypes the division of society in which you fit.
23. You could even be offended that you didn’t think up the category. Aim your offense at the one who did.
24. The English don’t know their own language as well as Americans. You could be offended at that.
25. You could be offended that fidget spinners aren’t enjoying another year of popularity.
26. Cow flatulence. How dare those cows live their lives as sentient beings with simple needs? So offensive.
27. You could be offended whenever someone mistakes suggestions for demands.
28. Be offended that whiskey-powered cars aren’t more common.
29. Raccoons eat chickens. ‘Nuff said.
30. There’s a pan in your kitchen right this moment without any brownies/cookies/cake in it. Now that’s the most offensive thing of all.