Some words beg you to use them in ordinary daily life, even though they’re out-of-the-ordinary words. The question will enter your brain: “Should I use it?”
The following list is dedicated to such words.
Amphigory = writing which seems, at first glance, to have meaning, but is only nonsense.
Blatherskite = nonsense, or the person who speaks it.
Bumfodder = a document good only for wiping one’s bum.
Campist = one who pushes campy arts.
Campy = exaggerated, fake, or pretentious, especially when silly (e.g. Elvis impersonators, wannabe etymologists, and rap music).
Eyeservant = one who works only when another is watching.
Jargon = pretentious and obscure words, especially if the words are unnecessarily long and used categorically.
Kickshaw = food which looks tasty but leaves you hungry.
Latibulate = to hide in a corner.
Mata nuki = a Japanese term meaning a “crotch punch”, or a soccer goal scored after passing between someone’s legs.
In a previous article, I listed some reasons not to join a gym, such as: if you don’t use it, you’ve wasted your money; many gyms use harmful types and amounts of disinfectants; and, you can do the same workouts in your home.
This article is a continuation of that, only more specific.
In this one, I’d like to spell out a Leg Day workout you can do at home.
First of all, I highly recommend doing some cardio at the beginning of any exercise routine, followed by some stretching. Running in place for about 5 minutes is all that is necessary, though many people prefer up to 30 minutes of cardio. That’s fine too. Do what you prefer. The whole point of the run (which could be traded with any cardio exercise you enjoy, biking for instance) is to get the blood moving. Once the blood is moving and the muscles are warmed up, then stretching is much more effective.
After your initial warm-up and stretch, then you can do some strenuous exercise with less likelihood of causing yourself injury. That said: Here Lies The Ever-Loving Disclaimer. Because everyone is different, it’s always wise to consult a physician (get a checkup) before trying any exercise routine.
The following are some exercises I like to do at least twice a week, if not more.
Total Lunges: I prefer not to go for a walk when doing lunges, but instead do one leg at a time with many repetitions. Here’s how: left leg stays in one place, in a bent-knee partial squat; then step forward and backward with the right leg. The right leg lunges forward and back for ten repetitions. When your right leg lunges forward, it should only be a little farther than a normal step for you, then lunge up and back to land the same way behind as forward, so that you’re doing forward and reverse lunges. The stationary leg should remain bent at the knee through the Total Lunge. Trade legs and repeat the process once more with the other leg.
Squat Jumps: Squat low and rocket upward as high as you can for ten repetitions. Swimmers call these “Streamline Jumps” if they put their hands straight up overhead. You can put your hands wherever you want. Another way to do squat jumps is to get a pullup bar, squat jump to the pullup bar, do a pullup, drop down and repeat the squat jump. This adds some upper body work to your leg exercise, but do what you prefer. Still another way to add variety to this is, when you’re in the air, lift your legs up with you as high as you can.
Lateral Lunges: These actually do exercise a different muscle group than Total Lunges. The method is to start with feet shoulder-width apart, keep your left leg stationary while stepping to the side, then squat partially on that side. Lunge from that position and hop to repeat the process on the other side. Do twenty of these.
Single-leg Squats: Lift one leg, either in front of you, or behind, and perform a squat on the other leg. Do ten of these, then switch legs to do ten more with the other leg. This particular exercise helps with balance and strength.
Return to Total Lunges and repeat the whole workout as many times as it takes until you can’t walk. (Kidding, of course. I usually go through the whole routine three times.)
The great thing about this routine is that you can do it anywhere. You don’t need a gym. You don’t even need a large space, though for Squat Jumps you may need a tall ceiling if you’re doing them inside a building.
After all of the Christmas parties and feasting, you’re going to feel extremely bloated. You’ll look in the mirror and think you’re fat. Probably not true. Maybe you’ve gained some weight, but it’s most likely manageable at this point.
Most people aren’t very good at judging themselves. The slimmest woman will tell you she feels fat, and you’ll wonder more at her mental state than her physical state. For sure, what we can’t disagree with is how someone feels, so just silently agree, make no comment, and walk away. Even though you can more accurately judge someone’s physical state than they can, it’s best not to. Unless you’re a doctor, you shouldn’t be telling anyone how out of shape they are. If you’re not sure about yourself, whether you’re really in danger of becoming obese, or if you should start an exercise routine, you should consult a physician. Let them do the judging for a minute.
Judge your own self and keep smiling, knowing you’re probably wrong.
After checking yourself in that mirror, if you were thinking, “I’m going to make a New Year Resolution to go to the gym,” stop thinking that way. There are far too many people who waste money on gym memberships. We learned a lot during the recent pandemic, and one thing we learned is that gyms are unnecessary. They were shut down and the masses realized there’s a lot you can do outdoors. It’s free and you can get away from other people. Treadmills in a crowded gym are far inferior to running and walking outside away from the crowds. Recumbents and other stationary bikes are like the retarded step-cousins to a real bike you can ride outside. Ride that bike up a dirt trail just as Orville and Wibur Wright intended.
Another reason not to join a gym is because of how unclean they are. Due to the worry over viruses spreading, many gyms are now using harmful chemicals such as ADBACs (Alkyl Dimethyl Benzyl Ammonium Chlorides) which are effective at killing viruses, but are not meant for humans to ingest. These chemicals have proven harmful to humans in many tests, and are often labeled with a recommendation not to use them on food preparation surfaces. In fact, the recommended application process is to wear gloves, apply the ADBAC, allow it a short moment to kill any viruses which might be on the surface you are treating, then rinse the surface liberally with water. How many gyms are there that provide water for rinsing, or even gloves? They usually have the ADBAC-soaked wipe available, or a spray bottle with the chemical in it and a rag; no gloves, no rinse.
Understandably, January weather in the northern hemisphere can make an indoor gym seem more appealing. Still, there are a lot of things you can do at home for a fraction of the cost of a gym membership.
The following is a sample exercise routine you can do without any equipment for only a few short minutes in your home:
Run in place for 5 minutes.
Stretch: arms, legs, torso.
Pushups x 10
Situps x 10
Squats x 10
Lunges x 10
Pushups x 20
Situps x 20
Squats x 20
Lunges x 20
Pushups x 30
Situps x 30
Squats x 30
Lunges x 30
Pushups x 20
Situps x 20
Squats x 20
Lunges x 20
Pushups x 10
Situps x 10
Squats x 10
Lunges x 10
If at the end of this you aren’t feeling very fatigued, start over and do it again (and good job—you’re in fair shape). On the other hand, if you feel fatigued in the middle anywhere, do a little less and work your way up to this workout over the course of days. Don’t hurt yourself. For instance, if running in place for 5 minutes is too long for your endurance, try running in place for 2 minutes and increasing the time gradually each day.
As far as weird Christmas songs go, some of the songs which receive the most radio play can be the weirdest. Look at the song “Baby It’s Cold Outside”. On the surface it can seem innocuous. Dig a little deeper and it sounds like somebody’s planning a felony.
Not all weird Christmas songs are so deviously written, though a lot of the ones that are about evil Santa, or zombie elves, or even a statement of Christmas hate, are too common to be novel. The writers of those types of songs were trying so hard to be different that they ended up being more of a clone than most Star Wars characters.
The following list of a baker’s dozen is full of weird songs which can hit you in the gut without making you lose your gingerbread cookies.
1. Weird Al – “Christmas At Ground Zero”. This is only a little weird. If you heard it in the background, you would probably dismiss it as only another holiday tune. The theme and the lyrics will get you laughing though. If my neighbors are going to go caroling, I wish they’d sing this one.
2. Feet – “Vegetarian Christmas”. Bizarre in many ways. To heighten the weirdness, check out the YouTube video.
3. Tiny Tim – “White Christmas”. You’ve got to love his warbling.
4. Fishbone – “It’s A Wonderful Life (Gonna Have A Good Time)”. Too much fun for one title, they had to give it two.
5. No Doubt – “Oi To The World”. Try NOT to chant oi with them.
6. Kurtis Blow – “Christmas Rappin’”. The original. This one tends to be even more fun as time goes on.
7. Fountains of Wayne – “I Want An Alien For Christmas”. Don’t take my word for it. Go listen.
8. Mystery Science Theater 3000 – “Patrick Swayze Christmas”. This one is truly weird, and difficult for me to hear more than once.
9. White Stripes – “Candy Cane Children”. Fun, in the vein of the White Stripes.
10. Yello – “Jingle Bells”. Basically just a remake of “Oh Yeah”, this is kind of creepy if you listen too long.
11. Sonic Youth – “Santa Doesn’t Cop Out On Dope”. A spoken song, it’s about how Santa doesn’t do drugs.
12. Da Yoopers – “Rusty Chevrolet”. It’s important that the radio is okay.
13. Beach Boys – “Little Saint Nick”. Like Yello, the Beach Boys seem to have wanted to make everyone all too familiar with the sound. This is only “Little Deuce Coupe” reworked into a Christmas jingle.
My top ten favorite Christmas albums, in ascending order:
10. Tracy Thorn – Tinsel and Lights. Her voice will bring a good mood to whatever time or space you choose to play her album.
9. Michael Buble – Christmas. This one has been reported as the best selling album in Australia for six years in a row. Not sure how true this statement is, but he does have a good voice.
8. Sixpence None the Richer – The Dawn of Grace. Leigh Nash sings for the band, proving that the female vocalists dominate this list. Her delivery is superb, especially on “Christmas Island”, easily the best song on the album.
7. The Brian Setzer Orchestra – Boogie Woogie Christmas. Great fun for when you don’t want to be so calm. When you want to rock, turn the table on this one. And yet, the song “O Holy Night” brings a pleasant mellowness to the otherwise raucous mood.
6. Sarah McLachlan – Wintersong. Using her usual commandingly emotional singing voice, Sarah brings the joy and sweetness to you for your holidays.
5. Annie Lennox – A Christmas Cornucopia. Like many others on this list, Annie’s voice is perfect for these kinds of songs.
4. Nat King Cole – The Best of Christmas. All the traditional oldies, sung by one of the greatest of all time.
3. Martina McBride – White Christmas. Her renditions of some traditional Christmas songs make you feel as if you’re listening to a choir instead of only one vocalist. She’s a country singer at heart, though the songs on this album don’t sound like country music.
2. A Charlie Brown Christmas – Vince Guaraldi Trio. If you’re in the mood to relax, there’s no better album to play than this. The children’s voices in the choir are soothing. The instrumental pieces are superb and calming.
1. Hi-fi Holiday. This compilation, put together by Old Navy, is like the playlist of Christmas songs you wish you lined up. There are exceptional artists on the album such as Smokey Robinson, and then there’s also James Brown, who does it the way he does it. Sometimes I don’t care for how James Brown does it, so I skip his song. Regardless of the one sometimes dud, this is a fantastic Christmas album full of energetic favorites. Worth one thousand repeats.
