Ten Minutes To Write, Two To Read

Wise writers know when to cut out the fat.

The great thing about shorter posts is that you don’t have to devote a lot of time to read them. The longer ones might go unnoticed because, well, too long. Bigger isn’t better in every case.

Likewise, TLDR is not a prescription for anything. It’s not some medical professional’s initials (not in common use anyway). And it’s not a secret code. It simply means: Too Long, Didn’t Read.

If you find an excessively wordy article out there and you feel obliged to read it, but it simply doesn’t capture your interest, then you might tag it with the TLDR.

There’s another, older acronym which means the same thing, only in a different tone, and that is this: KISS. Keep It Simple, Stupid.

Professional writers often have a structure within their writing which allows you to “skip to the end” and get the larger idea through a summary. When a summary is available, a wise writer will also include a foreword of sorts to summarize, in case they have readers who don’t want to skim-read the entire article yet still glean something from it.

In case a person has the reading style of “skim ’til you find something juicy,” some writers will employ the Easter Egg Method.

Photo by ROMAN ODINTSOV on Pexels.com

They know their work is too long for anyone except the most devoted students, so they’ll leave a treat somewhere, or multiple treats at varying intervals, in the work.

Amateurs, of course, will do none of the above. Amateurs wax long on words and wane on quality, leaving no treats at the two ends or anywhere in the middle.

So, before this article gets too long for even my short attention span, I’ll end with this nugget: Wisdom is not to make things seem complex, but to make the complex seem simple.

Lost

Photo by David Kovalenko

A short list of things I’ve never lost

An adult tooth

Furniture

A train

A plane

A meatball

The beat

My bellybutton

A squirrel’s nut cache

A staring contest

Resolve

An invisible cloak

Things I have lost:

Baby teeth

Vacuum attachments

Elevator shoes

A transmission

A whole Volvo

One pineal evocator

Three left socks

An agenda

A spare tire

A pet lizard

My mind

Much Needed Nonsense

Photo by Ravi Sharma

If your life gets a bit too serious at times, look no further. I’ll keep you on the weird and wild path. Below are listed and described some funny (and genius) ideas for cell phone apps. When your life starts challenging you with too much responsibility, or too much adulthood, or too much anything really, you can turn on one of these apps and get childish or just find what you really need.

FLUSH “Toilet Finder” This app comes to the rescue for anyone out of their territory who needs to locate the nearest public restroom. One particular review on this one said, “Pure genius.”

LICK THE ICICLE Your finger “licks” by swiping a digital icicle which appears on your phone when you use this app. Definitely designed for moments of extreme boredom.

HONEY HARMONICA Turn your phone into a virtual musical instrument. There are other harmonica apps, but this one has the best reviews I could find. So if you’re looking for a way to play harmonica but don’t happen to have your actual harmonica with you, take out your phone and start playing.

iBEER Also comes with functions that look like milk, champagne, and “chocolate drink”, this app transforms your phone to look as though it’s a glass full of the selected beverage. You tip your phone up by your mouth to complete the illusion of drinking.

INSTANT BUTTONS This app is only an excuse to make fart noises, but I think it is the original, so they get points for being original. The reviews are terrible though, so you should most likely avoid loading it on your phone.

BIG BANG WHIP Like the app above, this one is a way for you to make funny, silly, and even annoying sounds with your phone. Unlike Instant Buttons, though, Big Bang Whip has really good reviews (as of the date of this ‘barchive post).

SQUID SURVIVAL GAME  “Chance to become billionaire is on your hand now. So get ready and survive now.” I wouldn’t have even mentioned this app except for that nearly unintelligible marketing description. Ha ha, marketing.

FAKE CALL PRO: PRANK CALL APP And here is the one you need if you’re forever trying to get out of doing something. Set the timer and you can pretend to answer your phone and get away from whatever other business you may be doing at the time.

Sharpest Tool

New resolutions don’t have to be confined to New Year’s Day. We have the power to make changes to our habits and our routines, so we can make new habits and routines.

For example, I once made a resolution in July to not throw snowballs at anyone for a month. I absolutely conquered that one. It was like I was born to make resolutions.

Then there was another time when I resolved to learn another language. I decided to learn Australian. Now I speak it fluently.

I don’t want to be addicted to anything. Addictions are things you can live without but feel like you can’t possibly, not even for a minute. I realized I think every day, all day I’m thinking, so I better best that habit before it controls me. Then I quit. It feels good. I been off the thought horse for four days now.

Y’all oughta try it.

Ice Cream Flavors

Photo by Elza Kurbanova

Now that we’ve all faltered once or twice in our attempts to get skinny again, I’m going to play devil’s advocate and list all the ice cream flavors there ever were. As a primer though, I have to admit, not all the names of ice cream flavors are here, since many of them don’t really describe the flavor. Realistically, Superman and Tootie Frootie are the same flavor (fruit flavoring, heavy on the lemon).

I’m eating my words, too, though I’m not eating the ice cream which has been flavored with tomatoes. Yes, someone has finally done gone and tried to prove botanists right by sticking tomatoes in ice cream. (Tomatoes still aren’t fruit in culinary terms, only botanical terms.) Oh well, I’ve eaten brownies made with black beans. Might as well try some ice cream with tomatoes in it. Could even have them together.

So now, before the ice cream melts, here are all the flavors you’ve ever wanted:

1. Vanilla

2. Strawberry

3. Chocolate

4. Rocky Road

5. Mint Chocolate Chip

6. Tootie Frootie

7. Cookies and Cream

8. Cookie Dough

9. Banana

10. Licorice

11. Rainbow Sherbet

12. Ginger

13. Cherry

14. Maple

15. Basil

16. Coconut

17. Mango

18. Peanut Butter

19. Black Walnut

20. Pizza

21. Eggnog

22. Popcorn

23. Butterscotch

24. Orange

25. Pistachio

26. Candy Cane

27. Turmeric

28. Lavender

29. Peach

30. Cotton Candy

31. Butter Pecan

32. Peppermint

33. Superman

34. Bubblegum

35. Grape

36. Watermelon

37. Lemon

38. Oregon Blackberry

39. Tomato? Yep, it’s real.

40. Caramel

and of course…

41. Bacon