Living Healthy While Killing The Neighbors



This is my house, where I live. I don’t have diabetes, but the children in the neighborhood do.

As you can see, someone stole my welcome mat. If I ever find out who did it, they’re going to meet the tiny flying products of my shotgun. I make my own shells, and I lace the shot with granulated cane sugar and chocolate chips. I don’t know firsthand, but I’ve heard that when you get hit by my shot, it stings, but you suddenly crave a glass of milk.

By the way, the first welcome mat got stolen too, so I glued this new one down. They must have really wanted that mat because they busted it right out of the frosting glue and took it anyway. I don’t really question why someone would take things off my house or my porch. Everything’s so yummy. Even things that have sugar inside are coated with sprinkled sugar.

Also evident in the picture, you can see I’ve xeriscaped the yard. Nothing needs watering. I prefer to save the water for the farmers who actually need it. I’d rather have things grow like wheat, oranges, and avocados—things I can actually eat.

What you can’t see in the picture is that I have a fully complemented fitness room on the second floor of the house. I believe in being fit. I believe in living healthy.

Published by Kurt Gailey

This is where I'm supposed to brag about how I've written seven novels, twelve screenplays, thousands of short stories, four self-help books, and one children's early-reader, but I'd rather stay humble. You can find out about things I've written or follow my barchive (web archive, aka 'blog) at or follow me on twitter @kurt_gailey. I love sports and music and books, so if you're an athlete or in a band or you're a writer, give me a follow and I'll most likely follow you back. I've even been known to promote other people's projects.

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