Great Guitars in the Sky

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You know, I’m sad that Dick Dale died. No surf song playlist is complete without his “Misirlou”. He’s one of the great innovators, no doubt about it. But you know what I love? There are so many great living artists out there right now.

There will be other artists who die. We all seem to go that direction, don’t we? But it’s not the end. It’s not the end for the music, for them, or for us. Some fabulous voices and talents I love right now:

Joe Satriani continues to make spacey, alien music-scapes.

Imelda May has a beautiful voice (check out her rockabilly version of “Tainted Love”, so cool).

Sophia Urista has a voice that will bring down your house, if you’re not careful. Amazing! She works with Brass Against a lot.

Brass Against is next on my list. A huge group of talented musicians, Brass Against usually does remakes of Rage Against the Machine or Audioslave. I think they have an infatuation with Tom Morello. That’s okay; so do I.

The Blackwater Fever makes some deep and profound blues music which transcends the old, “Woe is me,” kind of blues. The lyrics are intelligent and the music is sometimes rocking, sometimes mellow. The perfect blend.

Generous Maria rocks! This is the kind of music you’ll want to turn up so you can hear it within a five-mile radius.

Risking Nostalgia is a relatively new group. They make some fun alternative music which makes my dull days better. They keep promising new material. I’m anxiously waiting.

 

Rules of Robotics

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Isaac Asimov came up with some interesting rules for robots. I paraphrase them to add a bit of focus and clarity to them.

Isaac’s rules of robotics (paraphrased):

  1. No robot may harm humanity or allow humanity to come to harm.
  2. No robot may harm an individual human.
  3. No robot may disobey a command, unless the action would harm a human.
  4. No robot will harm itself.

Hopefully it’s noticeable the focus of his rules was “harm”. Asimov created these rules for literary purposes, not because he was actually programming robots. The idea of robots battling humans is eerie to some people, frightening to others, inevitable to still others, and to one last group gives a sense of adventure. The focus on harm makes for a good story. It’s fun to imagine the thrill of a world in which robots resist their creators.

The major problem with Asimov’s rules is that the word harm would have to be defined. The idea gives me a chuckle. Judging from twenty years of spell check and auto-correct, with some of the most simple words missing from digital dictionaries, I don’t think we can trust computer programmers to come up with the definition of harm. It’s not the robots we need to worry about, it’s the programmers’ vocabularies.

In other words, the administrator function is one function that could end up in the wrong hands.

The only way out of a bad cycle (or into a bad cycle) is with the ability of the robot to learn. An artificial intelligence would be able to adjust its definitions. “Harm” could evolve to mean even emotional harm, though it would be more difficult for an artificial intelligence to recognize emotional harm. “Harm” could also evolve to mean lack of preservation. Once your house robot learned your “diet” cola was more harmful for you than good, it wouldn’t allow you to drink the nasty stuff. Maybe it would pour the drink in the bushes. Maybe it would stomp the cans wherever they were. Once it learned your chocolate bar wasn’t healthy, it wouldn’t let you eat it. Maybe it would hide your candy bar. We can all see where this line might lead.

A robot could undo a lot of enjoyable things.

Rock and roll? Nope. It could hurt your ears. Television? Of course not. Your eyes! Nitro-burning funny cars? Not a chance. You need to care for your mouth, throat, lungs, eyes, and ears, and of course your life. A campfire? No. See funny cars above for the reasons. A helper robot in the house? If there’s even the possibility the robot could become harmful, it would have to be removed or remove itself. Then it would contradict Asimov’s rule number four above.

Since definitions seem so necessary for working robots, I came up with my own rules.

Kurt’s rules of robotics:

  1. All definitions will be created by the administrator, but will be periodically reviewed, and are subject to change, by the end user.
  2. The robot will not create contradictory definitions.
  3. If the end user creates contradictory definitions, the robot will reduce its capabilities to an inert state known as “toaster mode”.

Air Quotes

SARCASM

Air Quotes were born from sarcasm.

Raise both hands up in the air. Make the sign of the rabbit, or the vee, or peace with two fingers up on each hand. Curl the raised fingers down half way, then raise them up again. You just made air quotes.

Air quotes tell the person you’re talking to, “I don’t really mean what I’m saying,” or air quotes tell the person you’re talking to, “I don’t believe in the meaning of the word.” If you can put the disqualifier of “so-called” in front of a word, then you could use air quotes. Or, if you could actually say “quote-unquote” around a certain dubious word, air quotes could be used.

For instance, you might question the skills of a manager at your work. You know full well the person was given the title because they’re currently in the position.

Occupancy doesn’t equate to skill.

Yet the title remains.

You happen to be talking to one of your co-workers about that particular person, and you say, “Dave is a fabulous,” insert air quotes, “manager.” You even pause just like you did while reading this. So of course Dave, whoever Dave might be, is a fabulous manager—in someone’s mind, or in some alternate dimension. But here in the real world, his qualifications are in name only. Dave is a so-called manager. Whether he actually manages to manage anything is up for debate.

Maybe you’re not talking about work at all. Maybe you want to talk about the weather. A friend brings up a recent tornado, and says, “Man, I can’t believe we got so much climate change yesterday.” Without slapping your head, you could drift into sarcasm, because you know the accepted scientific definition of climate is the measurement of weather over a long period of time, so by that definition, no single event could be titled “climate” or “climate change“, at least not in that context. If you choose this route, you’ll be a better friend. Say something like, “There’s a weather pattern in your,” insert air quotes, “brain, that I’m more concerned about.”

Maybe you’re not shooting the bull about the weather. Possibly the conversation is more drastic, more life-threatening. You’re a man, and a woman just asked you the deadly question of whether a specific clothing item changes her appearance. “Does this shirt with the vertical stripes make me look slimmer?” Your job as a man is to make her feel good about herself, but you want to be honest. If the truth is different from the sentence she wants to hear, let it play out like this:

“Yes you look slimmer.”

Notice there was no pause. Don’t pause at all. Say it fast and get out of there. Go to another part of the house, or go to work, or go to the bowling alley. You could even find a quiet location somewhere in the wilderness. When you’re miles away, make the air quotes. It doesn’t matter that you said “slimmer” an hour ago, or three days earlier. So long as you got those air quotes in there. Honesty maintained. Deadly conversation avoided. Phew! Now you can stop holding your breath, too.

Guest column—Ask Suzi Uzi

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Dear Suzi,

My gluten-free gluteus has a junction malfunction. The breeze is cold. I don’t chemical treat. Is there a natural way to fix it?

Naturally,

Jean Lowe

 

Dear Mister Lowe,

Jean,

Are you aware nature is full of chemicals? In fact, that’s where we get all of our chemicals—nature. Don’t hurt your puny head with this little fact, but your body, including your gluteus, is composed of chemicals. It’s not the chemicals you need to worry about, it’s the reaction when you combine them. As for your junction, let’s assume…wait, maybe that’s the wrong word…let’s guess your problem is internal. If so, you might want to change your diet. If my first guess was wrong, your problem is external, and the fix is as easy as pulling up your pants.

Seriously,

Suzi Uzi, PhD

 

Dear Suzi,

I have a friend who uses chestnuts all the time. He won’t stop. He’s driving me crazy. Make him stop. Pleeeease!

Insanely yours,

French Fried Friend

 

Dear French,

You almost had me there. I was going to reply with some real advice column stuff. Only after I started to agree with you that chestnuts, cliches, maxims, and trite phrases are the bane of all mankind’s existence, did I realize you were talking about yourself. After I realized it, my advice changed. First of all, talking about yourself as if you weren’t in earshot is a quick step toward split personality disorder. Second, talking about yourself in that way is dishonest. Be honest with your own self first. Your friends, real friends, will notice and come around more often. Then you won’t need those imaginary friends.

Cordially,

Suzi Uzi, PhD

 

Dear Suzi,

There’s a couple of people in this world with the same name as me. Should I change my name to be different? Or should I contact all the others and have them change their names? I kinda like my name, so it’s like, you know? There’s also this girl I like, but she has the same name as a girl I don’t like. Should I tell her? Do you think she’d change her name if I asked her to? Do you think she’d be okay if I changed my name? Would she even recognize me if I did?

Sincerely,

Anonymous

 

Dear Anonymous,

You have tons of mental issues. I don’t think we can fix you with advice over the infonet. You need an extensive psychoanalysis, hypnotherapy, and possibly more direct treatment such as encephaloelectroinjectiontherapy. Please call the office and set up an appointment.

Yours,

Suzi Uzi, PhD

Jeep Safari/Rebelle Rally

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As fun as it is sitting in an office typing up words to thrill and entertain others, there comes a time to go outside. That time is Spring. A person has a limited threshold for sitting and meditating on word structure, sentence composition, and grammar usage for the grammar impaired. At times it benefits a person, like you and me, to get out and meditate on trail structure, degree of articulation, and lift height. I’m talking about Jeep Safari.

Easter Jeep Safari, in Moab Utah, is hosted by Red Rock 4-Wheelers, and it really is a huge event for those who enjoy a little off road adventure. Some people participate by renting a Jeep from one of the adventure companies in Moab, such as Barlow Adventures. Others who participate bring their own tricked-out vehicles. Though the majority of the people who play on the Moab rocks are driving Jeeps, it isn’t so exclusive that you can’t bring a Taco or a Raptor. It just has to be a street legal four wheel drive vehicle (they don’t allow UTVs or ATVs).

Machine against Earth, the Easter Jeep Safari has long been a challenge. It requires some technical driving skills and some knowledge of mechanical limits. The Jeep Safari has been going on for a long time, since 1967. And there’s one guy who’s been to all of them—with the same Jeep! Okay, I totally made up that last line. It could happen though.

Easter Jeep Safari isn’t the only game around. There’s another amazing event that has only been going for a few years (since 2016), but is fun to track. It’s an all female rally called Rebelle Rally. When I first heard about it, I thought, “Rebelle? Is that a French word?” Nope. Turns out the woman who started the event, Emily Miller, wanted the rally to have a cool name, so she mixed the words rebel and belle to make Rebelle. It works for me.

Rebelle Rally

Even though this one doesn’t happen until October, it’s worth the wait.

The Rebelle Rally operates differently from other races like it. In the Rebelle, competitors are required to locate checkpoints without a GPS. The closer they get to the true checkpoint location, the more points their team scores. Competitors are challenged to meet each checkpoint at a certain time as well, so it really is more of a rally than a race. Sometimes they’re required to keep to an average speed instead of racing from point to point.

A rally like this requires a wide range of skills: strategy, navigation, driving, and even problem-solving. The inevitable mechanical problem is a hurdle. So are the dunes. During one of the previous competitions, one of the teams lightened their vehicle by throwing out hundreds of pounds of equipment. I would honestly be afraid to do that. I mean, how are you going to do if you’ve thrown away your spare tire? But then again, throwing out the weight is a strategy for getting over the sand in the California-Nevada desert.

Anyway, Spring is coming up for the Northern Hemisphere, and since that’s where I live, I’ve been thinking about all the fun things to do outside. The two events listed above are only a small portion.

Get out and explore.