Guest column—Ask Suzi Uzi


Dear Suzi,

My gluten-free gluteus has a junction malfunction. The breeze is cold. I don’t chemical treat. Is there a natural way to fix it?


Jean Lowe


Dear Mister Lowe,


Are you aware nature is full of chemicals? In fact, that’s where we get all of our chemicals—nature. Don’t hurt your puny head with this little fact, but your body, including your gluteus, is composed of chemicals. It’s not the chemicals you need to worry about, it’s the reaction when you combine them. As for your junction, let’s assume…wait, maybe that’s the wrong word…let’s guess your problem is internal. If so, you might want to change your diet. If my first guess was wrong, your problem is external, and the fix is as easy as pulling up your pants.


Suzi Uzi, PhD


Dear Suzi,

I have a friend who uses chestnuts all the time. He won’t stop. He’s driving me crazy. Make him stop. Pleeeease!

Insanely yours,

French Fried Friend


Dear French,

You almost had me there. I was going to reply with some real advice column stuff. Only after I started to agree with you that chestnuts, cliches, maxims, and trite phrases are the bane of all mankind’s existence, did I realize you were talking about yourself. After I realized it, my advice changed. First of all, talking about yourself as if you weren’t in earshot is a quick step toward split personality disorder. Second, talking about yourself in that way is dishonest. Be honest with your own self first. Your friends, real friends, will notice and come around more often. Then you won’t need those imaginary friends.


Suzi Uzi, PhD


Dear Suzi,

There’s a couple of people in this world with the same name as me. Should I change my name to be different? Or should I contact all the others and have them change their names? I kinda like my name, so it’s like, you know? There’s also this girl I like, but she has the same name as a girl I don’t like. Should I tell her? Do you think she’d change her name if I asked her to? Do you think she’d be okay if I changed my name? Would she even recognize me if I did?




Dear Anonymous,

You have tons of mental issues. I don’t think we can fix you with advice over the infonet. You need an extensive psychoanalysis, hypnotherapy, and possibly more direct treatment such as encephaloelectroinjectiontherapy. Please call the office and set up an appointment.


Suzi Uzi, PhD

Published by Kurt Gailey

This is where I'm supposed to brag about how I've written seven novels, twelve screenplays, thousands of short stories, four self-help books, and one children's early-reader, but I'd rather stay humble. You can find out about things I've written or follow my barchive (web archive, aka 'blog) at or follow me on twitter @kurt_gailey. I love sports and music and books, so if you're an athlete or in a band or you're a writer, give me a follow and I'll most likely follow you back. I've even been known to promote other people's projects.

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