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Ghost Style

Ghosting is a vile thing to do to someone. However, it can be done with style and skill.

Ghosting, by the way, means to ignore someone’s efforts at getting your attention. It’s usually used in reference to text messages or emails. When those text messages and emails go unanswered, they have been “ghosted”. The person who sent them has also “been ghosted” and should, understandably, be upset.

Although you might think the person who got ghosted always has the higher ground. Not quite. Most of the time this would be true, but not always. There are some cases where the ghosting is absolutely necessary for social norms to be observed. A particularly annoying person might be better to avoid giving a response rather than risking further communications. Does that mean you’re not cowardly for avoiding them? Probably the opposite is true. You’re a coward. Don’t want to be a coward? Just dive in and let them know how they’re being annoying. Maybe you could help them fix the problem. Maybe you could find something in common with them and gain a friend. Or maybe you’ve already tried all that and the person refused to hear your suggestions to make it all better. In that last case, you may need to know HOW to ignore them.

It can be done. To ghost with style is not a common skill. Most people will ignore someone’s email, then show up in the company break room within the same hour. Even less qualified is the person who sits in the company break room with the person they ghosted and talks to another co-worker about emails. That’s how ghosting is vile. Vile, not style.

To do it with true style, it’s best to remove yourself from society completely. If you must ignore one person’s communication, you’ll have to ignore them all. Go hermit. Go live in the wilderness for a while. There really is no better reason than to say, “I was off-grid.”

Photo by Michael D Beckwith on Pexels.com

Sign up for jury duty. It’s common knowledge that people on a jury are not allowed to communicate with the rest of the world. Of course you couldn’t respond to text messages—you were under court orders not to. That’s not an excuse, that’s a reason. And yes, that’s ghosting in style.

Long-boarding in Iceland is a fantastic way to avoid getting cellular phone service. No way you could answer while you’re on the board anyway. Only a heartless fiend would want you to respond while you’re on the board, rocketing downhill, using the palms of your hands as rudders. What would they expect, for you to risk missing the turn just so you could make them feel like their text message was worthy of your time? Not likely.

Surfing. Any water sport really would be a legitimate way to say you were unable to respond to anyone’s digital comms. You’re not surfing with a phone in your pocket.

Cleanse the Earth by volunteering to bring oxygen tanks off the trails near, and leading to, Mount Everest. This is such a noble cause, no one will deny you forgiveness for not answering a few mundane messages. You may even be off the hook for some time after you return from your heroic deed.

All of the above are great ways to ghost in style. Be aware though, you can’t just come out of your office and tell someone whom you ghosted, “I was off serving on a jury,” or any other outlandish thing. It does you no good to lie. You have to actually get out and do something. To lie is only slightly less vile than to ghost.

To find a noble, adventurous, real reason is to do it in style.

Funny Inventions

There are untold numbers of inventions in the world. Hundreds of thousands are patented each year. Many of those are never used, or even spoken about by anyone but the inventor. The following list is a sampling of the funniest inventions.

Rain Goggles. Goggles fitted with tiny windshield wipers. The rest of you may be getting wet, but at least you can see what’s in front of you.

The Flying Squirrel Fur Coat. This one might give you the wrong impression. It’s not like a squirrel suit. You can’t glide off of a mountain with it. It was only made from the fur of flying squirrels.

Ice Cream Cone. That’s what it was called, but what it did was pure ingenuity. It automatically rotated your ice cream for you. This would make a sweet treat even sweeter.

Toilet Ejector Seat. Possibly the worst place for an ejector seat.

Truck-Grill Fishing Pole Mount. Among the weird ones, there’s always one that actually makes sense. It’s still funny though because you know the guy who invented this was looking for one more way to be lazy.

The Forget-About-It List. A pad of paper and a pen that lets you write things down only to have them disappear. The ink was a slow drying ink, unlike the average disappearing ink, supposedly so you could look at your to-do list for a while before it vanished.

Odor-Eater Socks. A pair of socks that you would wear while working out so when you take them off, your feet don’t smell.

Lightning Ride

Your place for the latest news in mountain biking is right here. Yes, indeed, you can hear it here first.

The most recent conundrum for the hobbled subset of mountain bikers is the worry over lightning. Their question is if they are straddling what amounts to a lightning rod.

It’s a valid concern when you’re striving for elevation and you do it in all kinds of weather. Also validating for concern is the statistic of an average of 20 people being killed by lightning each year.

Perhaps ironically, the inexpensive, and least in demand, mountain bikes are not conductive: those made of bamboo. Bamboo is the only frame-building material that is shown to be an insulator. Bamboo is a strong material. It really is a great way to build a bike frame, even though the mountain biking community tends to disregard it.

The skateboard community has embraced bamboo more openly. It’s understandable for them though, because their material is usually wood. Usually. A rare board is one made of metal. The parts—trucks and bearings—are metal, but parts aren’t a concern since skateboarders aren’t often worried about lightning anyway. The sport of skateboarding, like baseball, gets canceled when there’s any sign of rain.

Of course, and as you’ve probably already guessed, the parts that go into making a completely functional bike are metallic and very conductive. Chain links and spokes are not likely to be made of anything but metal. So, unfortunately, the bamboo-framed bike isn’t 100% lightning resistant.

There are frame and part materials which are less conductive, some are more. For instance, the resins which are used to form carbon composite frames are not conductive, though the carbon fibers are. So, yes, that doubly expensive MTB frame made of carbons will attract lightning. The anxious biker is not safe sitting on top of it any more than standing at the edge of a lake during a lightning storm.

What else is there?

Titanium? Conductive.

Aluminum? Conductive.

Steel? Wait, steel? Oh it’s your bike-packing bike? Gotcha. That’s super cool, but yep, that one’s conductive for sure.

If you’re one of the stressed-out type of mountain bikers, worried about lightning, even disabled by it, then you should either get a bamboo frame to ease your worry, or watch the weather closely enough to know when it’s time to go up the mountain or when it’s time to stay down.

Prebiotic Pepsi

The swiftest way to get there is this: prebiotics benefit probiotics.

Probiotics are generally thought of as the bacteria which best suit the human anatomy. Or, in other words, they are good bacteria.

Prebiotics are the fiber that is good for the good bacteria.

Pepsi is considering adding prebiotics to a new line of their beverages. A more healthy line of cola is not a terrible idea. Some people wouldn’t get anything healthy unless it was in their soda pop soft drink. Those sorts need all the help they can get.

Of course you can get prebiotic fiber in a variety of foods like: bananas, beans, oats, garlic, apples, onions, asparagus, and berries.

Would you rather…?

I personally like that Pepsi will make their Prebiotic Pepsi with 5 grams of cane sugar to go along with the 3 grams of prebiotic fiber. All those artificial sweeteners are nasty on my tongue.

I feel it’s too sad they don’t make the caffeine free Pepsi, unless it’s the diet variety, which of course has the offensive artificial sweeteners. Bleh! But they used to make a sugar cane version that was top notch.

Oh well, it will be interesting to see how this new line of Prebiotic Pepsi is received by the public.

Randomizer

When I’m feeling like a crass, trashtalking set of wind-up plastic teeth with an overbite and bad breath, I disappear in the lyrical music of words. When I’m loud in the quiet room and they make more noise in the process of kicking me out, it’s a beautiful contrast. Like golf socks on a water polo player. Like a skateboarder in swim fins.

Fudge in the fridge turns into bricks. Fall through the trees, make lots of sticks. Extremely deep snow should be termed “quicksnow”. It’s not warmer when it’s thick on the ground and we call it a “blanket of snow”. We call sand on the ground a dune. We call the middle of the day noon. A miniature stainless steel shovel? It’s a spoon. That orbiting nightlight is the moon. Pomposity in the naughty haughty, makes her too proud to be a hotty. Too vain for the dirty birdy to dance, makes him overflow with arrogance.

The rising of the ocean, I fear, is higher for every child’s tear, shed when an older sibling broke a bike, took the toy, took a hike. He needs a lesson, he needs to learn, that being bigger doesn’t mean it’s his turn. A dog in a hot car. A stolen lunch ticket. Two times around the carousel is too far, and the best summer drink is from the spigot. The Spanish inquisition was killed by the Spanish guitar. No one cared for torture when there was music. Until Gitmo. Cough, cough, well just never mind then.

On a blender binge, fateful for the orange, acid makes the back teeth cringe, drank it all and she called me ‘stinge’. Parking lot. Parking spot. Parking space. Parking place. The day got worse when I met up with Frank and Biff. They stole all the fun ‘cause they were stodgy and stiff. And those were only their first names. The theft grew, but no one knew, what to do, with the spoils. We weren’t into the pirate’s art, but on the weekends we sure looked the part. There were rings in things and on things and under things. Honey golden swirls. Dangling gems and treasure chests. Hidden troves under circling seagulls. Crossed bones beneath bleached skulls. Crossed eyes to crottles. Broken glass bottles. Bangles, spangles, and brawls.

Want more fun with your fireworks, honey? When you hear them go off, shout out, “Money!” If what you wanted for your birthday was what you got, some people wouldn’t get a lot—but their friends would.