Occasionally in life we’re confronted with those incredibly grouchy people who simply cannot be persuaded to find the good in anything. On those occasions it can be helpful to be armed with a few phrases to either interrupt the grouchy pattern or create enough of a diversion to make an escape.
Here are 20 potential responses:
Wow! Someone needs a nap!
…And a juice box!
Did you forget your meds?
Oh. Whoa. You’re ready to go postal. Someone call 911!
You really need Jesus.
Is that your political face? The voters are running scared.
Did your dog die?
Did you die…on the inside?
Who let you out of the rest home?
Are you channeling Hitler?
How long ago did you work for Hitler?
Are you rehearsing for a horror movie?
(Stare at their forehead.) I can’t even see the lobotomy scar.
Encouraging ganja use wherever you go, right?
Aww, does oo needs a dahpoo change?
If grouch energy could be stored, you’d fuel the nation.
If you keep making that face, it could get stuck that way.
(Bark whenever they speak.) (Every word.)
(Yawn.) Too boring. Could you spice it up a little?
We all do weird things. Here are a few of the weird things encountered recently and collected specifically for this list:
She cries out for control when she has none. He dunks his bread in everything, even his glass of milk. That guy sneezes louder than seems necessary. He passes gas constantly—a loose sphincter. She saves bags inside other bags. She doesn’t save boxes the same way. They take drugs to escape the pain they don’t really feel anyway. He swerves his car when he sees cats and dogs in the road. Is he trying to miss, or not? That other guy never leaves his seat on the curb by the gas station, except when he sleeps on the grass beside the gas station. They like to buy him gas station nachos. No one knows what he drinks. No one dares ask. How does he wash the nachos down? She dances to all the wrong songs. He peals his fingernails instead of clipping them. The guy with the beard flies airplanes—made of paper. She knows a lot of French words, but she doesn’t ever dare speak them in case some French person might be listening. She said so in English. That other gal plays guitar. She doesn’t use a guitar pick, she uses her fingernails. Her friend plays the same way, but she prefers when her nails are broken, rough. He bows to people randomly. He doesn’t know why he acts that way.
Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah got a severely raw deal all the way through history. Most of the time, when you hear about those three they are referred to as Shadrach, Mishach, and Abed-nego. The raw deal is that the commonly known names are their slave names.
The three were taken captive by the Babylonians and then given pagan names—those names they are commonly known by. One of the worst things about the deal: the names they were given had meanings which were direct insults to their given names.
Hananiah, in Hebrew, means “The Lord has been gracious.” The name the Babylonians gave him, Shadrach, means “Command of Aku.” The Sumerians worshipped Aku as the moon god and the Babylonians accepted the practice. So the Babylonians were substituting a pagan god for Hananiah’s Lord. They were doing what many cultures have done when creating slaves. They were forcing their culture on the slaves.
Mishael’s captive name was closest to the original. The Babylonians opted to call him Mishach. While his birth name meant “Who is what God is?” the corrupted version they gave him meant “Who is what Aku is?” Again, the Babylonians were forcing their culture on Mishael, just as they had done with Hananiah.
Azariah, in Hebrew, means “The Lord has helped.” His captors went a different direction from his friends to insult him and referred to one of their own gods, one named Nebo. How that became nego in his slave name is a mystery for an etymologist. They decided to call him Abed-nego, which means “Servant of Nebo.” One possible upside to this was that Nebo was the Babylonian god of wisdom. Maybe he didn’t find it too insulting, even though it would never be as amazing as his true name, Azariah.
As the story goes, the three were tested, put through trials, given commands that they could not honorably obey, and then punished for not obeying. Their punishment was to be thrown in a furnace which was apparently so hot the people doing the throwing were burned by proximity. Due to the faith of Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah, they were not burned, but stood in the fire long enough for people outside the blaze to recognize they were alive in there. Not only were they alive in the fire, but they were accompanied by one other. Four figures were visible in the flames where it was expected there should only be three.
Ghosting is a vile thing to do to someone. However, it can be done with style and skill.
Ghosting, by the way, means to ignore someone’s efforts at getting your attention. It’s usually used in reference to text messages or emails. When those text messages and emails go unanswered, they have been “ghosted”. The person who sent them has also “been ghosted” and should, understandably, be upset.
Although you might think the person who got ghosted always has the higher ground. Not quite. Most of the time this would be true, but not always. There are some cases where the ghosting is absolutely necessary for social norms to be observed. A particularly annoying person might be better to avoid giving a response rather than risking further communications. Does that mean you’re not cowardly for avoiding them? Probably the opposite is true. You’re a coward. Don’t want to be a coward? Just dive in and let them know how they’re being annoying. Maybe you could help them fix the problem. Maybe you could find something in common with them and gain a friend. Or maybe you’ve already tried all that and the person refused to hear your suggestions to make it all better. In that last case, you may need to know HOW to ignore them.
It can be done. To ghost with style is not a common skill. Most people will ignore someone’s email, then show up in the company break room within the same hour. Even less qualified is the person who sits in the company break room with the person they ghosted and talks to another co-worker about emails. That’s how ghosting is vile. Vile, not style.
To do it with true style, it’s best to remove yourself from society completely. If you must ignore one person’s communication, you’ll have to ignore them all. Go hermit. Go live in the wilderness for a while. There really is no better reason than to say, “I was off-grid.”
Sign up for jury duty. It’s common knowledge that people on a jury are not allowed to communicate with the rest of the world. Of course you couldn’t respond to text messages—you were under court orders not to. That’s not an excuse, that’s a reason. And yes, that’s ghosting in style.
Long-boarding in Iceland is a fantastic way to avoid getting cellular phone service. No way you could answer while you’re on the board anyway. Only a heartless fiend would want you to respond while you’re on the board, rocketing downhill, using the palms of your hands as rudders. What would they expect, for you to risk missing the turn just so you could make them feel like their text message was worthy of your time? Not likely.
Surfing. Any water sport really would be a legitimate way to say you were unable to respond to anyone’s digital comms. You’re not surfing with a phone in your pocket.
Cleanse the Earth by volunteering to bring oxygen tanks off the trails near, and leading to, Mount Everest. This is such a noble cause, no one will deny you forgiveness for not answering a few mundane messages. You may even be off the hook for some time after you return from your heroic deed.
All of the above are great ways to ghost in style. Be aware though, you can’t just come out of your office and tell someone whom you ghosted, “I was off serving on a jury,” or any other outlandish thing. It does you no good to lie. You have to actually get out and do something. To lie is only slightly less vile than to ghost.
To find a noble, adventurous, real reason is to do it in style.
There are untold numbers of inventions in the world. Hundreds of thousands are patented each year. Many of those are never used, or even spoken about by anyone but the inventor. The following list is a sampling of the funniest inventions.
Rain Goggles. Goggles fitted with tiny windshield wipers. The rest of you may be getting wet, but at least you can see what’s in front of you.
The Flying Squirrel Fur Coat. This one might give you the wrong impression. It’s not like a squirrel suit. You can’t glide off of a mountain with it. It was only made from the fur of flying squirrels.
Ice Cream Cone. That’s what it was called, but what it did was pure ingenuity. It automatically rotated your ice cream for you. This would make a sweet treat even sweeter.
Toilet Ejector Seat. Possibly the worst place for an ejector seat.
Truck-Grill Fishing Pole Mount. Among the weird ones, there’s always one that actually makes sense. It’s still funny though because you know the guy who invented this was looking for one more way to be lazy.
The Forget-About-It List. A pad of paper and a pen that lets you write things down only to have them disappear. The ink was a slow drying ink, unlike the average disappearing ink, supposedly so you could look at your to-do list for a while before it vanished.
Odor-Eater Socks. A pair of socks that you would wear while working out so when you take them off, your feet don’t smell.
Xenosthesia.com 