Pizza Toppings


Who knew pizza toppings could be the height of controversy? Apparently, in an era of such controversial topics as genetic manipulation, augmented reality, abortion, fake science, and Disney, people get bored of those conversations. We all need something to talk about. We all need distractions. Some of us even “need” something to complain about, so it’s lucky for us we have pizza toppings.

Forget about fish. Anchovies are the controversial pizza topping of the past. Nobody even mentions those these days.

Cauliflower. If you want to start tongues wagging, bring up cauliflower. This lovely veggie isn’t only on top of the pizza, it’s the crust! Not willing to stop at toppings, Keto dieters have gone and made the entire pizza out of cauliflower. How this magic works, I don’t know. Somehow the flower is turned into flour and then, just like any pizza, the dough is flung in the air like some kind of soggy Frisbee. Then, BOOM! Pizza!

Fried egg. Yes, people put some weird things on pizza. In my opinion, if you’re going to put a fried egg on top of a pizza, then you may as well put toast, waffles, maple syrup, bacon…

Bacon. You might not think this is a controversial topic. What’s wrong with bacon? Bacon has been on pizza since the beginning, right? Possibly. Maybe. The disagreement comes from those who don’t wish for an animal to die so they can eat pizza. They have a valid point. Whether it tastes good, or not, is subjective.

Mushrooms. Mushrooms are a mild, innocuous controversy, like Ellen’s fashion sense, or rugby protective gear. Most people shrug it off. Usually mushrooms are accompanied by olives, which are as mild a topping topic as anything.

Cheese. What? Someone complained about cheese on pizza? If you don’t like cheese, then you don’t like pizza.

Caviar. Sure, you want to be like the super rich but still eat commoner food. Throw some caviar on your pizza! Now you have the elements of two worlds in your mouth. Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you spit it out, because it isn’t much different from having anchovies.

Marijuana. This is a new one. I haven’t heard many people really arguing about this. Marijuana is controversial on its own, so it’s possible this could be the controversial pizza topping that takes over for pineapple.

Pineapple. Possibly the most controversial of all toppings, pineapple is like rap music and country music combined. People who love one, hate the other. People who love both, hate the mix. People who hate both would rather eat pineapple on a pizza…even if they’re allergic. Pineapple will get the most shy introvert to start arguing either for or against. Pineapple on pizza is the dividing topic of all nations. Nations have fallen because they couldn’t agree on whether to get a pepperoni only or a large Hawaiian.

All joking aside though, pineapple is the distraction people have been needing to take their minds off of mindless politics, moral issues, and the mortgage. If not for pineapple, the world would be full of psychotic personalities. We should all be glad there’s something to talk about. Pineapple is it, whether you like to eat it with your pizza, or not.

Published by Kurt Gailey

This is where I'm supposed to brag about how I've written seven novels, twelve screenplays, thousands of short stories, four self-help books, and one children's early-reader, but I'd rather stay humble. You can find out about things I've written or follow my barchive (web archive, aka 'blog) at or follow me on twitter @kurt_gailey. I love sports and music and books, so if you're an athlete or in a band or you're a writer, give me a follow and I'll most likely follow you back. I've even been known to promote other people's projects.

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