Candy Critic (Hallowe’en Edition)

Smarties: A small pack of discs, they’re challenging to open without losing any, but once you get the skill, you’ll consider yourself a smarty.

Dum Dums: Small suckers with a large selection of flavors, Dum Dums also come in small packs, or monstrously large packs with like a thousand suckers. The monster size packs, of course, are for you to share, to pass around. Don’t eat them all yourself, unless you aren’t so fond of having teeth.

PayDay: Caramel and peanuts are a natural combo. You can’t go wrong with a pocket full of PayDay. If you get one of these, you’ll know it really is—PayDay.

Twix: Caramel and cookie and chocolate (unless you get the peanut butter kind, which are equally delicious), you’re in for a treat, and there are two per package (unless you get the bite-size, but even then you lucked out) so you can share with your best friend. Hahaha! Kudos to anyone who can figure out who their best friend is. No, not those kind of Kudos.

M&M’s: You know you’re on Santa’s good list if you get a one pound bag of M&M’s on Halloween. Sure maybe your favorite is Peanut M&M’s, but also for sure you wouldn’t send back a bag of plain M&M’s with a scowl on your face. You’d be smiling under your mask with Peanut Butter M&M’s, Pretzel M&M’s, even the minty, red and white M&M’s that come out at Christmas.

Mounds: Chocolate and coconut is a delightful combination. If you live in a colder climate during October, like most of the world, you might like this because it feels like a vacation to a tropical place. Savor every last bite, you’re an Eskimo in Hawai’i.

Almond Joy: The nutty brother of Mounds, Almond Joys have a surprise almond on top. You might have wondered what that lump was…it’s an almond.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups: Impossible to open without getting teeny bits of chocolate on you, these are still scrumptious for eating. Take your time, or stack them and eat them like your the kid in Matilda eating a giant chocolate cake.

Nerds: The tiny boxes of tiny Nerds are some of the most fun candy. Who even cares about eating any of it, you can have as much fun sitting there shaking the box.

Kit Kat: Lighter than air, you won’t care that these are a low-calorie food until you’re an older Trick-or-treater. By the time you’re that old you’ll even consider cracking it in pieces and sharing it with someone else.

Snickers: Don’t be dismayed by the bite-size Snickers. They’re still a creamy, crunchy, chocolatey candy bar, only smaller.

Skittles: Some claim this to be the pinnacle of the candy category. They are delicious and come in a variety of fruit flavors. Purple=grape. Orange=orange. They come all mixed together in a bag. You can chew them together and make strange flavors, or eat select colors to savor a single flavor.

Twizzlers: Candy, or deadly weapon? It depends on who your friends are. Do they like to whip you with a mysteriously wet Twizzler? Your only option, of course, is to wet your own licorice whip. Or do you prefer strawberry whips? Chocolate or cherry whips, anyone?

Pixy Stix: This is the ultimate Hallowe’en candy. Why? Here’s why: It’s a paper straw, sealed at both ends, containing flavored sugar crystals. In keeping with all Hallowe’en traditions, you can open both ends, blow the sugar up in the air—and TAKE A SHOWER IN SUGAR!

You’re a hyperactive horror.

Happy Hallowe’en!

Candy Critic (Mystery Edition)

Some of the more mysterious candies are difficult to find, to eat, or to believe they even exist. Here are a few of those:

Mary Jane: Caramel candy with a feminine name. A Mary Jane (the candy kind) is hard, hard caramel. The lightly toasted flavor is nice though.

Slo Poke: Caramel candy by a different name. What does that name mean? I don’t know. A Slo Poke is chewy, that’s the main thing to know about this here…chewy…candy.

Whatchamacallit: Really just a standard candy bar, it has one of the strangest names in the candy business. When you’re a kid you never think of these things, but what was the marketing strategy for this?

Big League Chew: As seen in the movie Napoleon Dynamite. Big League Chew was a great way for a candy company to promote a) baseball b) chewing tobacco c) bubble gum or d) all of the above.

Sugar Daddy: Not very exciting because it’s simply caramel on a stick, yet there was a whole family. Apparently there was a Sugar Mama, and yes, Sugar Babies.

Now ’n’ Later: These are basically a Starburst knockoff, or was it the other way around?

Bit-o-Honey: A lozenge of chewy stuff, it doesn’t taste bad, but it’s difficult to know exactly what to do with it. If you chew it when it’s cold it will break your teeth. You can pop the whole thing in your mouth and suck on it, but that takes forever. You can suck on it while holding it, but then your fingers get sticky.

Necco: These are like oversized Smarties. They’re cool though, ‘cause they have a licorice flavored one among the others.

Airheads: Dumb name and candy that is just meh. If you’re wanting something with heads in the name, go for Lemonheads.

Skor: Cool name, but I expected it to be like medieval, or maybe like viking candy, or something. It’s a different candy *company’s version of the Butterfinger. Extremely hard toffee, coated with chocolate. (*Ferrara made Butterfinger, Hershey’s made Skor.)

Zirkus “Peanuts”: These have the brag of being the only candy with air quotes in the name. They are kind of wicked fun to eat, but I honestly have no idea what this substance is I just ate, it kind of reminds of—AAUGH! Hack, kaff, wheeze…death.

Only funnin’ ya! Ha! Did you think I was dead? From eating Zirkus “Peanuts”?

Well, with this next candy you really gotta be super careful. I’m talking about Jolly Ranchers. Fun name sure, say it out loud, “Jolly Rancher,” but if you got overzealous eating them, you could choke. The only redeeming goodness here would be if it was spit-lubed enough for you to cough it out. Life Savers supposedly have that hole in the middle so you can’t choke on them, so why don’t Jolly Ranchers have a hole?

Jolly Ranchers are almost as dangerous as Candy Necklaces.

Candy Critic (Holiday Edition)

Photo by Laura Ockel

Conversation Hearts (Sweethearts): The scandalous candies which carry messages such as, “R U 🙂 ?” Well, just hope the person you give these to has a sense of humor, or at least shares your sense of humor, or you might get some little candy hearts back with messages like, “U R Alone”.

Hershey’s Kisses: Little drops of chocolate wrapped in foil with a thin strip of paper resting inside the foil, they’re sort of like a fortune cookie but without the fortune. Still, no one’s going to turn one down just because there’s no fortune on the paper. They’ll toss the paper and eat the chocolate.

Cadbury Creme Eggs: Chocolate egg shells? Yes, and it works. The chocolate holds in the liquidy, creamy filling, complete with a yellow “yolk” in the middle of the white. Eat these any way you like, but no matter how you do, it’s going to be messy.

Cadbury Mini Eggs: A favorite for people who want a rich chocolate inside a hard candy shell. These are seasonal, like a lot of things Cadbury makes, but the people who enjoy them wish they were made year-round.

Peeps: Marshmallows shaped something like a young chicken, these are super fun to make into S’mores.

Chocolate Bunny: For the chocolate part of your S’mores you might want to use a Chocolate Bunny. Make sure it’s a solid chocolate bunny, because those hollow ones are super messy to make into S’mores. Then again, if you’re making S’mores, it’s going to be a sticky mess anyway.

Raspberry Sticks: Raspberry jelly in the form of a finger-sized stick, the sticks are coated with chocolate. Lined up in a rectangular box, the sticks look like small portions, but it’s easy for the kid in you to eat a whole row.

Orange Sticks: A decadent way to eat an orange, they’re orange jelly in a thin coat of chocolate.

Terry’s Chocolate Orange: A decadent way to mimic an orange, it’s solid chocolate arranged in orange-slice pieces and connected much like an orange, in a sphere shape. The fun of these is you get to break it apart somehow. Your method of breakage is limited only by your imagination.

Speaking of your imagination, all of the above candies may be traditional for other holidays, but they are hilarious to hand out for Hallowe’en. Trick OR treat!

Candy Critic (Pop Edition)

Pop Rocks: These sweet tiny candies are so much fun! Grab a handful, it’s like putting fireworks in your mouth. Once you have a handful and turn it into a mouthful, you’ll want to open your mouth so everyone nearby can hear what you’re eating.

Ring Pop: Another candy you can wear. Like the Candy Necklace, only less dangerous. It goes with you, you can do other things, and have a lick any time you want. If anyone ever proposes marriage to you with a Ring Pop, you’ll know they aren’t serious. Avoid that person for the rest of forever.

Blow Pop: This is a sucker with a surprise in the middle. Okay, you can probably guess from the name that a Blow Pop has bubble gum in the middle. After you’re done licking, you can chew on the gum. Some of you out there are shaking your heads, knowing full well that you don’t wait ’til the hard candy is all gone before you start chewing on the gum. You chomp down on it and the hard candy gets mixed in with the gum for an intriguing crunchy/chewy experience.

Tootsie Roll Pop: Just like the Blow Pop, this sucker has a surprise, only this time it isn’t gum, it’s Tootsie Roll. One of life’s most difficult questions was posed by the company many years ago—How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?

Tootsie Roll: Lightly chocolate flavored, these are a pocket’s favorite candy. They don’t melt as fast as a chocolate bar, so you can keep them in your pocket and not worry too much about the consistency of the candy when you finally take it back out again. For the same reason you can suck on one for a good long time, but most people are probably not that patient and prefer to chew them all gone.

Bottle Caps: Flavored like your favorite soda pop, these are basically large Smarties. If you want to have a fun debate with your friends, argue over the best flavor.

Root Beer Barrels: For those times when you want the flavor but not the drink, there are Root Beer Barrels. Hard candy like this requires patience and fortitude. When you really want one, though, you’ll summon up the fortitude from your inner child.

Starburst: They don’t actually burst, or pop. They are a chewy candy with a variety of flavors. Everyone has their favorite flavor. You can often barter and trade your least-favorite flavor for your most-favorite. Served up they are squares, individually wrapped, stacked, and wrapped again.

Mentos: When you eat them rather than react them, you’ll find a hard outer shell with a chewy middle. The best friend to carbonated beverages, Mentos have a reputation for being fun to eat and fun to use when you want to play kitchen chemist. Next time you have a chance, and a hankering for candy mischief, make the choice for Mentos and a bottle of pop you won’t be drinking.

Candy Critic

Candy Corn: The name is perfectly alliterative. Candy Corn texture is ideal on the fresh ones, and only slightly less ideal as they get older, and harder. The flavor doesn’t remind anyone of anything. They are sweet, unique, goodness. The shape is also unique. Because of the shape, candy corns are a must for making yourself look like a colorful vampire or werewolf, or decorating a gingerbread house.

Candy Cigarettes: (Crime edition) Also alliterative, these have a nasty reputation for being a gateway drug. They might persuade you to think you’re cooler than those actors in the old-time, gritty detective shows. Only if you’re an impressionable young thing, of course. Otherwise you’re only going to chew them up, and if you do, you’re going to find them dull. They have a flavor and texture like conversation hearts.

Gummi Bears: These have different flavors. You’re sure to find a favorite flavor and color. They are basically like the hardened skin off a tub of Jello, which is honestly, lots of fun. One mischievous side effect is that if you lick the flat side of the bear, you can stick the bear to a window, or your friend’s forehead.

Cinnamon Bears: With a texture more sticky than a gummi, cinnamon bears are the kind of candy you will enjoy if you are fond of using your tongue to dislodge the between your teeth leftovers.

Swedish Fish: These are cinnamon bears with a different shape and flavor. Or possibly you could say the reverse is true. If you didn’t like the flavor of cinnamon, then Swedish Fish might be an ideal alternative to Cinnamon Bears.

Candy Necklace: Although I don’t much enjoy wearing my own saliva, the flavor of these is excellent. The ‘beads’ are like Smarties if Smarties had a hole in the middle, and the idea is that you wear it so you can crunch the beads off one by one. It’s a little weird that as you crunch the beads, the necklace starts to get tighter. Other than that strange sensation, the Candy Necklace is a novel arrangement.

Candy Bracelet: Same as a Candy Necklace, only smaller. Do not mistake this for a necklace.

Whoppers: Chocolate-coated malted milk balls. These are as fun to roll around as they are to eat.

Milk Duds: Chocolate-coated caramel. Not as spherical as Whoppers, Milk Duds don’t roll so well. The fun way to eat these is to suck all the chocolate off. What you do with the center is up to you.

Butterfinger: Chocolate-coated butterbrittle. Or is it chocolate-coated butterbrick? Butterfingers can be a tasty treat, but you have to be in the mood for biting into the hardest food in existence.