3 Alternate Diets


The Game Show Host Diet

Take one bag of powdered sugar donuts and devour it like it was the last bag on Earth. If you feel like it, start talking to some random person while you’re still eating the donuts. The puffs of sugar that come out of your mouth will be welcome by anyone who is your true fan. If they make excuses to leave, they’re not your true fan. Dismiss them. You didn’t need them anyway. A liquid may be necessary to wash the donuts down your dry gullet. Something with whiskey in it ought to do the trick. If one glass doesn’t quite wash the donuts down, you might need another. After that you’re going to need a meat-like substance to soak up the whiskey. Steak, eggs, potatoes, leg of ham, lobster, or duck, these are all meats. Of course, meats are dry too, so you might need a list of wine to go with it.


The Body-Builder Diet

Avocados are going to be your new best friends. Those and your Nutri-Bullet. Sometimes they’ll even show up together. Blend your avocados in the daily pulverized malt. After you realize the two most important friends, then you’ll need to find some recipes. A fan favorite is the Chocolate Wheat Germ and Whey Protein Avocado Blast. You’ll need whey protein, wheat germ, your favorite powdered chocolate, some avocados, and milk. If you like it a bit colder, add ice. Blend. Drink. Say, “Aaah, that hits the spot.” Then go find something to actually eat. You didn’t think that was your meal did you? No way! That was your way of treating yourself to a reward after exercising for eight straight hours today. Bam! Now go eat some food.


The Rock Band Diet

Ramen. If you’re lucky, you’ll have a boiled or fried egg to go with it.

Every third week, eat an orange, just so you don’t get scurvy.

And now that you know what musicians eat every day, don’t you feel bad about never paying for music? Buy some music already. Try bandcamp, it’s a cool site that gives all the profits to the musicians. Spotify has some cool rewards for the artists as well. Promote some starving artists on Spotify. Thank you and good night!

Published by Kurt Gailey

This is where I'm supposed to brag about how I've written seven novels, twelve screenplays, thousands of short stories, four self-help books, and one children's early-reader, but I'd rather stay humble. You can find out about things I've written or follow my barchive (web archive, aka 'blog) at xenosthesia.com or follow me on twitter @kurt_gailey. I love sports and music and books, so if you're an athlete or in a band or you're a writer, give me a follow and I'll most likely follow you back. I've even been known to promote other people's projects.

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