Fitness in Space

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Treadmills. Ellipticals. Recumbent bikes.

All things of the past.

When we, the human race, go exploring the spaces between planets, we’ll need some exercise routines to help us prevent bone loss. Plus we might need to be fit when we get to wherever we’re going.

Spherical mills with artificial gravity will be great for lower body work. They’ll keep us toned in our glutes and calves and quads as we try to maintain our balance atop a rotating sphere big enough for four people. One of the fun parts of this exercise will be to try to make other users lose their balance.

Resistance will be key to a lot of our weight-training exercises, so of course no bearings will get any grease. Anything with a tendency to oxidize will have its oxidation potential maximized, to create even more resistance. Moving parts on our weight equipment will not ever be lubed, but sprayed with oxidizing agents to promote the rust. Better still, we’ll just spray things down with a shaken can of Pepsi. Then all the moving parts will be sticky. We’ll never wash it off and let the cosmic dust collect inside. Would a can of Pepsi make it all the way to outer space? Would some enterprising scientist conduct an experiment to find out the answer to that question? Thanks.

Of course, there will be a few of us who take advantage of the weightlessness of space and we’ll do a lot of “heavy” lifting of objects hundreds of times bigger than us. Then we’ll holler out to our buddy, while we have the satellite over our head, “Hey, take my picture!”

Whatever. It’s still a workout.

Protein pills. We’ll also swallow lots of protein pills.

That’s all. The future is in a pill.

 

 

What to do with yer Bot

robot-2657140__480What to do with yer bot:

1. First you have to buy one. There should be a local bot store near you. Check the infonet for locations.

2. Cajole it. Don’t know how to do this? You’re already an irresponsible bot owner. (Just kidding. See the * below for a brief definition.)

3. Feed it Nanobytes brand bot feed.

4. Change its papers. You know. The papers in the bottom of its cage.

5. Comb its furry parts. Oil its scaly parts. Trim its claws. File its hardnose off.

6. Exercise it. Take it out for walks every day. Let it defecate on the neighbor’s lawn.

7. Shave the yakky parts. Ignore the gnuey parts.

7.5 Never put it in a cage.

8. Ride it like a horse until it’s nearly dead.

9. Vacuum out the pillow bed you’ve made for it in the garage. Let it rest.

10. When it’s rested and looking healthy, sell it at the bot farmer’s market.

11. Buy a new one.

12. Cajole it.

 

*Cajole: 1. Coax. 2. Lie. (So you either coax yer bot, or you tell it lies, whichever meaning of the word cajole you prefer.)

A Playlist for Weight Lifting

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Not too long ago I saw an article on a fitness web site that claimed to have a “manly” “get-your-pump-on” playlist. They claimed it was a great playlist for lifting weights. Featured were some seriously unmanly artists like Marshall Mathers and some other goofy kid with the last name Dogg that I’ve already forgotten. I’ll admit that human tastes run to every end of the musical spectrum. But here’s a clue for you: silence. What does silence mean? Especially when you show someone the error of their ways, which I tried to do in a comment on their site.

Silence, in this case, means they had no rebuttal to offer. Did they even look at my comment? I wonder. The only satisfaction I have is that there were no replies but mine when I left the site. There could have been some later, but I haven’t visited since. I must have been one of the first to see the article, and in defense of the web site, I so wanted for them to have some good suggestions. I clicked their link, didn’t I? They had me visiting their site, but then they let me down.

One of the other suggestions on the playlist they created was AC/DC. It stuck out like an elephant trying to hide among hippos. So here’s what I had to say about that.

“I find it interesting that your playlist contains both Eminem and AC/DC. These are complete opposites. Eminem even describes himself as ‘slim’ and ‘shady’, two words that describe turds really well. But none of his songs really get my ‘pump on’, if you know what I mean. I would use other words to describe his music: words like flaccid, querulous, and pusillanimous. AC/DC, on the other hand, I would describe with words like priapic, energetic, and yes even manly. Their music could be included in a pumping-iron playlist, though I might choose a whole different set of songs. I tried to listen to some of the selections you have on this list, but they made me feel like a nervous butterfly. How’s a nervous butterfly going to lift anything? Hells bells! next time warn me that your playlist is for children who don’t know the difference between Eminem and AC/DC.”

Okay, granted that might have come off a bit over the top critical, but they gotta understand, don’t they? Do you think they actually use their own playlist when they exercise, or were they just aiming for a demographic? If it’s the latter, then I hope some of that younger generation demographic reads my comment and understands those words I used. They’ll get the difference eventually. Sooner’s better than later, though.

Of course I’d be a fool and a hypocrite if I didn’t include my own preferred playlist. Feel free to criticize it. You know I would.

“Breakdown” by The Blackwater Fever

“Back to Shalla Bal” by Joe Satriani

“Voodoo Child (Slight Return)” by Jimi Hendrix

“Freedom of Expression (F.O.X.)” by Living Colour

“Mr. Surfer Goes Jazzin’ ” by The Brian Setzer Orchestra

“Grinder” by Big Black

“Mexicola” by Queens of the Stone Age

“Dialectic Chaos” by Megadeth

“Water” by ohGr

“Hey Man, Nice Shot” by Filter

“Sunburn” by ohGr

“Do the Evolution” by Pearl Jam

“It Ain’t Like That” by Alice in Chains

 

As a final note, I have a friend who gets his “pump on” every day. He’s huge. He would make a playlist containing only Slipknot songs. How do I know this? I asked him. He’s that guy you see at the gym lifting the entire weight stack. Anyway, I’m not saying that listening to Slipknot will make you huge. I’m not saying that the playlist I made here will get you pumped either. But I will say that you’ll get a lot more confident in your weight lifting with songs that were made by confident artists. Try to stay away from any music that uses the word “bitch” in it. That’ll shrink your wank like an old man in a saltpeter sponge bath.

Mountain Crest Trail

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My latest adventure involved, on average, 900 meters (3,000 feet) of elevation gain, topping out at about 2,900 meters above sea level.

I average this one out, because the signal isn’t great up there. We know the highest peak in the mountain range in that area is a little over 3,000 meters (10,000 feet) above sea level. The trail we ride travels the ridge line, but not with devotion, so a lot of the highest portions of the Crest Trail vary between 2,700 to 2,900 meters above sea level. If you convert that to feet, it’s between 9,000 to 9,700 feet above sea level. That’s a decent workout for your lungs. At that elevation your lungs struggle to capture the oxygen necessary for your muscles to do the work. (Did I just call it “work”? We spent four hours out there. I’m sure we were having fun.)

Even more challenging is the condition of the trail: Dry! The mountain hasn’t felt rain on its back for a few weeks.

The dust that gets kicked up makes it even harder to breathe. Usually, I’ll hang back a good distance if I’m following anyone. If you’re too close, you can’t even see the trail. If you’re even slightly farther back, you still get coated with dust. So I just pause, take a break, drink some water, let the guy or gal in front of me get ahead. Even with that tactic, by the end of the ride, my bike and I could blend in with the scenery almost perfectly. Natural camouflage.

At the beginning of this ride is a little section people lovingly call Puke Hill. It gives you a quick dose of elevation gain, and it’s a matter of pride to climb the hill all in one go, without putting a foot down on the ground. Lots of people have conquered the hill—and a lot of them have puked once they got to the top. Many people don’t make it without planting a foot, but that’s no big deal in comparison to making it through the rest of the ride with your mountain bike, and your body, in perfect order.

There’s another section that most riders refer to as The Spine. I’ve conquered it before, but this time I had to give it a second try. It’s fun to do the technical stuff. At least that’s my opinion. There are plenty of people who take the “easy” trail and avoid the technical. Either way is valid. You’re better off knowing your limitations than leaving the mountain in a helicopter or an ambulance. Have fun, but don’t kill or damage yourself.

Doesn’t that sound like an insurance disclaimer? “We won’t pay you if you are killed or damaged.”

If I can swing it, next time I do a mountain bike archive, I’ll post a picture of me jumping off The Spine.

(Not puking on Puke Hill.)

Get Fit

skateboar-1031585__480“Leave all the afternoon for exercise and recreation, which are as necessary as reading.” ~Thomas Jefferson

Exercise is a great way to develop good habits. Endorphins are the drug that the body produces when you exercise. Bad habits can be overturned and even eliminated when replaced with a good habit like regular exercise. Why not start now?

The summertime (for the northern hemisphere) is a great time to get out and see what kinds of sports you like. Where I live, practically every corner lot has a skateboard park. Every other corner has an outdoor basketball court. Some of the local fitness centers have tennis courts, running tracks (indoor and outdoor), swimming pools, racquetball courts, football fields and futbol fields, weight rooms and cardio rooms. Some of these require you to pay a fee, but a lot of them will only cost you the price of a ball, or maybe the price of a good pair of shoes. That sounds like a good price to me. Now is the time to check out a new sport.

If you feel like you’re an introvert, there are many non-team and non-competitive sports. You can try bouldering for an introduction to mountain climbing. Bouldering doesn’t require ropes or belaying partners. You can be shy and sporty. Or you could try biking. Biking gets you out to see the scenery, it’s not too hard on your joints, you can do it alone, and there isn’t much you need for equipment. Or you could try long-boarding. Long-boards are skateboards designed for downhill travel, mostly. They aren’t easy to push up a hill, so most people who ride them tend to shuttle or walk up hills and then ride down. Similar to the long-board is the paddle board. The paddle board is a sort of mock surf board that’s wide to help you balance on it. You can stand or kneel and paddle your way across a lake. Every once in a while at the lake I visit I see two people on a paddle board, but not often, so the introvert can be more comfortable. Or you can take your dog with you. Lots of people do that.

If you’re not so introverted, you can gather up a bunch of your friends and start a volleyball game, a soccer (aka futbol) game, baseball, softball, hockey, lacrosse, kick the can, jousting, water polo, paintball, go cart racing, jai alai, or even disc golf.

One of the main points I’m trying to make is that there are so many sports to play, I’m sure everyone on Earth could pick one that they enjoy. If you don’t enjoy one, try another. And I bet you haven’t tried them all yet. I dare you to go out and try a new one today. Don’t let Mister Jefferson down. Once you’ve read this archive post, then you’ve done your reading. Now leave your afternoon free for some endorphin-producing exercise.