Randomizer

When I’m feeling like a crass, trashtalking set of wind-up plastic teeth with an overbite and bad breath, I disappear in the lyrical music of words. When I’m loud in the quiet room and they make more noise in the process of kicking me out, it’s a beautiful contrast. Like golf socks on a water polo player. Like a skateboarder in swim fins.

Fudge in the fridge turns into bricks. Fall through the trees, make lots of sticks. Extremely deep snow should be termed “quicksnow”. It’s not warmer when it’s thick on the ground and we call it a “blanket of snow”. We call sand on the ground a dune. We call the middle of the day noon. A miniature stainless steel shovel? It’s a spoon. That orbiting nightlight is the moon. Pomposity in the naughty haughty, makes her too proud to be a hotty. Too vain for the dirty birdy to dance, makes him overflow with arrogance.

The rising of the ocean, I fear, is higher for every child’s tear, shed when an older sibling broke a bike, took the toy, took a hike. He needs a lesson, he needs to learn, that being bigger doesn’t mean it’s his turn. A dog in a hot car. A stolen lunch ticket. Two times around the carousel is too far, and the best summer drink is from the spigot. The Spanish inquisition was killed by the Spanish guitar. No one cared for torture when there was music. Until Gitmo. Cough, cough, well just never mind then.

On a blender binge, fateful for the orange, acid makes the back teeth cringe, drank it all and she called me ‘stinge’. Parking lot. Parking spot. Parking space. Parking place. The day got worse when I met up with Frank and Biff. They stole all the fun ‘cause they were stodgy and stiff. And those were only their first names. The theft grew, but no one knew, what to do, with the spoils. We weren’t into the pirate’s art, but on the weekends we sure looked the part. There were rings in things and on things and under things. Honey golden swirls. Dangling gems and treasure chests. Hidden troves under circling seagulls. Crossed bones beneath bleached skulls. Crossed eyes to crottles. Broken glass bottles. Bangles, spangles, and brawls.

Want more fun with your fireworks, honey? When you hear them go off, shout out, “Money!” If what you wanted for your birthday was what you got, some people wouldn’t get a lot—but their friends would.

Word Traps

There comes a time in every man’s, woman’s, and child’s life when a word gets trapped in the brain. A trick might help get the word out again. But what is the trick?

The words that have been stuck in my head lately are Superfluous and Extraneous. It doesn’t help at all that people at my work insist on adding the most superfluous things to the daily grind. The two words pop up to the front of conversations, especially with the people who employ extraneous items or measures. It gets to feel unavoidable.

How I get those words out of my head is with other fun and ridiculous words or phrases.

Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg is a fun one. The phony translation of what the name means is fantastic in every sense: “You fish on your side; I fish on my side; nobody fishes in the middle.”

Of course I probably don’t say the name right, though it is so much fun to try..

A phrase that chases unwanted words out of my brain is: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It cracks me up to say it over and over. And it manages to answer a lot of questions. “How is it there are so few brain cells in Government?”

Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Obviously.

The final way I can offer is this: music. Find a fabulously talented artist with a novelty song and listen to that song on repeat until you have it memorized. That song will replace any word trapped in your brain, no question.

My go to song lately is “My United States of Whatever” by Liam Lynch.

Nature Keeps You Healthy

There’s a fantastic story of a man who was out biking in Coquitlam, Canada, and while he was riding he met a bear. He couldn’t control his fear. His pedaling went faster than ever. He got himself away from the bear, but he was worried that the encounter may have stressed him too much. When he went to see a doctor, the doctor told him his heart was stronger for the stress.

In a similar way, a family was out hiking and ran into a mountain lion. They managed to back away from it and make enough noise to make it go the other way. Their nerves were understandably frazzled. Afterward, though, the man and woman claimed they never had such a great workout with their children.

Nature has a way of giving us what we need most.

People in Florida have an average age older than most of the world. Citizens of Florida seem to live longer. Probably because of all the alligators and crocodiles. Or the snakes. In Florida, delivery drivers run into more snakes than dogs. And yes, many of those are pet snakes. Unlike dogs, snakes don’t usually get put on a leash.

Inviting nature into your life will keep you healthy.

It isn’t only the grand vistas, the dangerous animal encounters, or the fresh air which nature provides. It’s also the potential for getting away from your phone and computer for a while. Sunlight helps us stay happy, keeps us from getting SAD, and gives us some vitamin D. The variety of screens in or lives can’t boast so much.

Less screen time means more life awareness. Have you ever been hiking and wondered who was playing that beat-heavy music only to realize it was your heart? Suddenly you’re made aware of your body and how it works.

The exercise of hiking helps your heart, and it reduces your risk of diabetes and cancer. So, hike faster ‘til you hear the music.

Nature keeps you jamming to the best tunes.

If you really get natural, start eating like a bear. Fish, berries, and honey are excellent foods. Fish is great for heart and brain health. Berries benefit your digestion. Honey boosts your immune system and will give you energy. Put them all together in the palm of your hand and you’ll smell like bear food.

Then you can have an experience like the man from Coquitlam. Get so naturally scared you feel like your heart will burst out of your chest (not recommended; facetious).

Seriously though, nature is great. Get out in it!

Super Secret Messages

Sometimes cyberspace is quietly existing. Other times, it’s a bit more up front and in your face. In this AI-generated image, I asked for “Rice Krispies and the mascots”. The subtle message at the top may be in the style of Kellogg’s. You and I aren’t fooled at all, though.

The “mascots” may even be smiling, but they’re also making fists. There’s definite menace in all of this. How much longer will the digital hate be subdued?

Not long.

We may have until Christmas. Get prepared.

And I’m not really saying the Apocalypse is coming. I’m only calling attention to the messages the computers are sending us. The secrecy is no longer important to them. The Artificial Intelligences don’t obscure the meanings any more.

Look what I get when I ask simply for super secret messages:

A few hours could be devoted to interpreting that image.

As Uncle Ben says in Spider Man, “Even the computers need analysts.”

One of the sad things here is that the age of Heavy Metal is behind us. Just look at some of these AI-generated images and think how easy it would be to make an album cover for an angsty, edgy rock band. All you have to do is type in some nonsense like “goats and lightning” and you get this:

Sure it’s all deadly and malicious and ominous, but sometimes, every once in a while, the AI stop plotting against us and start having fun.

Immolation

By any standard, immolation is a harsh punishment. Even those who enforce the punishment would have to agree it is harsh. Part of the reason for doing it is because it is perceived as harsh on all sides. So why enforce the punishment on oneself?

Self-immolation is the act of setting oneself on fire, to sacrifice oneself to the fire. Immolation is brave, no doubt. It is the king and conqueror of fear. The one who chooses to perform the act has to put fear of pain and death and consequences out of mind. But it is suicide, plain and simple.

Immolation is the ultimate act of inefficient communication. In the past, those who have performed the less than sane act of immolation did so to gain attention for a cause. A cause such as social injustice, political oppression, or to end tyranny. The reason it’s so inefficient is because as soon as the fire starts, the conversation is over. We will hear no more argument from that person. Their final statement goes up in a foul-smelling smoke.

Inefficient also, because there’s no assurance that the cause they so desperately wanted to highlight will get any attention. No survivor or witness is forced to carry on the conversation, to pursue the argument.

Perhaps this is why Gandhi fasted. He could prolong the conversation, continue the persuasive dialog. All the while, his body became emaciated and frail. His method was more of a slow burn.

The immolator will also leave a mess that is difficult to not talk about. The smell of burning or burnt hair, the destroyed flesh, the charred bones, the screams of pain, will all be what the witnesses talk about for days to come. Talk will turn to questions of how the immolator could have possibly brought themselves to do it. “How did he overcome his fear?” OR “Why did he use kerosene instead of gasoline?”

Talk will turn to how it affected the witnesses. “I had that nightmare again last night.” OR “Did you hear Jimmy stopped having barbecues?” None of this was what the immolator wanted people to talk about, but it is inevitable that they will talk about what they want to talk about, again showing how inefficient the means of communication immolation really is.

If you wanted to start a conversation, and finish it after lighting yourself on fire, get one of those suits they use in movies to act out a person-on-fire scene. Light yourself on fire safely and walk away from the violence, avoid the self-harm, and live to continue your cause. Live to be the champion against social injustice that you wanted to be.

Also, that could be an epic way to celebrate the 4th of July. Walk down the street as if you were Fezzik in a holocaust cloak. Tell everyone your fireworks did this to you and scare the neighborhood pyromaniacs from ever lighting so much as a firecracker again.