Along with the magic of Christmas, there are a fair amount of benefits to childhood. You aren’t expected to know much, or be responsible for much, or even to lift much. Everyone around you expects very little of your little body.
You are required to uphold all the laws of childhood, but even those aren’t difficult to follow. They’re only difficult to remember.
Aside from the one childhood Proverb, “Mother is the name of God on the lips of children,” there are the ten commandments of childhood, which are understandably much less serious.
10. Thou shalt never, ever, ever say anything is your fault.
“The weasels put those green beans under my chair, not me.”
9. Thou shalt discover new places to hide bogies.
8. Thou shalt scream “Stranger Danger!” whenever those aunts and uncles you don’t like come around.
7. Thou shalt not eat the last of a package of anything.
6. Covet not thy neighbor’s chores.
(And avoid your own at all costs.)
5. Thou shalt always share things that adults don’t want you to share.
Cough, cough, wipe, wipe.
4. Thou shalt not wait ’til you’re old to drive a car.
At six you can do anything.
3. Thou shalt own it if you lick it.
No matter what it is, if you want it bad enough, put your DNA on it.
2. Thou shalt cross your eyes whenever a camera is near you, or aiming your direction.
1. Thou shalt not let a good white wall be without crayon.
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And it’s so easy to slip up, to fall short of a commandment or two, but don’t worry, it probably just means you’ve grown out of childhood and you’re now a teenager.
Schrodinger enjoyed boxes so much he was like a cat. Cats love playing in boxes. Schrodinger always wondered what the cat was doing in the box.
We put things in boxes so we can move them from place to place.
Things we want to sell go in a box.
We stack things when they’re in boxes. It’s especially helpful with items that by themselves would be unstackable, like beach balls, pinto beans, or cats.
Another thing to do with boxes is to put in items which you never want to see again. Here’s how it’s done. Take those pieces of your life you never want to see again, put them inside the box of choice, tie it, tape it, strap it shut, then take that box to an out of the way place, like an attic. Attics are basically box magnets. One is attracted to another. Attics seem to have been invented to collect boxes. Boxes just go there. No doubt about it.
Boxes are great for gift-giving. Not only can you not see what’s in there, but neither can the person to whom you’re giving the gift. It’s that whole dual state idea all over again: it could be a pile of money inside the box, or it could be a dead cat (yeah, that Schrodinger was one sick dude; speaking of Schrodinger, wasn’t it weird that his whole hangup was that he feared the quantum realm was having loads of fun until he happened to be looking its way, then it played dead?).
The world of child’s play can make 100 uses for boxes that adults haven’t thought of for decades, sometimes centuries. A pirate ship, a tank, an airplane, a spacious mansion, a gold mine, a racecar, a choo-choo train, a general store, a place to hide the green beans from dinner, a dollhouse, a swimming pool, a dance studio, the prop for many a magic trick, or even a hat. The ideas of childhood don’t stop there. They’re limitless.
How many of our everyday purchases are boxed? Most of them?
What if they weren’t?
Boxes surely make life better. And yes, boxes make Life better. Without the ever-present cardboard box, many of us would go hungry. Not that we eat the box, but that we eat what is inside it.
Sometimes boxes are transported via a vehicle known as a “box truck.” There’s poetry in that.
When you don’t have a sack lunch, you might be enjoying a box lunch.
And one more guy who liked boxes was a gentleman who went by the name Dr. Seuss. He imagined a fox in a box. No cats for the doctor. He preferred the fox for obvious reasons. Obvious, but I’ll tell you anyway—because they rhyme. That fox even had socks, which also rhymes. A fox might like the box for the same reason a cat does, but I wouldn’t know. Other than in books, I haven’t seen a fox in a box. I’ve seen many a cat in a box, and believe me, they are very much alive. You wouldn’t want to observe them (like Schrodinger wants us to), unless you like having your eyes scratched. That is to say, when you imagine Schrodinger’s boxed-up cat, you should imagine it leaping around in there, because that’s much closer to reality. The reality of a boxed-up fox would be poetic to say the least.
Anyway, Christmas is coming soon, as is Boxing Day. What will we find wrapped up in so many boxes?
Tinsel!
No, I’m just kidding. I don’t know what you will find. I hope it’s a great surprise.
If a person thinks everyone should just turn off their cars and stop “idling”, then obviously the next step is also to stop driving slowly. Driving slowly is as close as it gets to running a car “in idle”. The next step would be deciding at what speed a car could not be mistaken as idling. I’d suggest a round number such as 100. Obviously there’s going to be that transition from idle to 100. Every speed in between is positively criminal, regardless of how necessary it is for the transition. 50 is right there in Zeno’s-wine-induced-paradox* territory, so it’s going to have to be outlawed altogether. At no time shall a car be in the realm of “never going to get there.”
If a person believes there are no such things as ghosts, then what do they do with the word G-H-O-S-T?? Does the word also not exist? How can there be a definition of something, and multiple meanings for the thing in our collective brain, and that thing not really exist? It blows your mind when you realize there’s no such thing as nothing, except that there is a word for that thing, and it has an accepted definition. Nothing is a thing we can only hold in our minds, and even then only for a little while before it fritters away and becomes even more like nothing when we stop thinking about it. Ghosts, I suppose, could be the same. They feel less substantial if you don’t think about them. Aha! Maybe that’s the real reason some people refuse to believe in ghosts: because if you fear them you don’t want them to solidify in your thoughts.
If a person contemplates for too long the disciples of Jesus following him literally, when what he wanted them to do was to follow his example, that person might get upset with those disciples and judgingly wonder how stupid they could be. But then, if the disciples of the time of Christ can be judged by someone 2000 years later, what gives the later person any authority on the subject? How much schooling was there so many thousands of years ago? How many logic probes were defined in the culture? How many self-help books were on the shelves at the meridian of time to help people know the difference between following someone on foot or following their example?
I don’t want anybody to feel left out, so I’m making a list of things you can choose to make you offended. There’s no priority here. Find the one that fits you best. After all, it must be a fun game, being offended, since everyone seems to be doing it.
1. Be offended at people who make their name all fluffy with a special font.
2. Be offended at those who spout quotes without caring for the true source.
3. Find offense in anyone who walks the same path as you.
4. Be offended that socks are still built with the intention of having the seams on the inside.
5. Take offense at anyone who has no idea.
6. Take offense at the ones who shared the idea you wish you said first.
7. Be offended at those who make little effort.
8. Be offended that Twinkies don’t have more filling.
9. Be offended that abdominal muscles are temporary.
10. Offense is easy when you’re in public. Be uncommon and take offense in private.
11. Be offended that time resists change no matter how often we mess with our clocks.
12. Be off ended at extra spaces in writing.
13. Take offense at cats only getting 9 lives when video gamers get infinity.
14. Take offense against movies with substandard music.
15. Find offense in pillows too big to stuff in your ears.
16. Find offense in everyone who gets a good night sleep and a next meal.
17. Be offended that the thought of being homeless just crossed your mind.
18. Be offended about persuasion and influence and manipulation.
19. Be offended when the numbers aren’t rounded off.
Xenosthesia.com 