Lost

Photo by David Kovalenko

A short list of things I’ve never lost

An adult tooth

Furniture

A train

A plane

A meatball

The beat

My bellybutton

A squirrel’s nut cache

A staring contest

Resolve

An invisible cloak

Things I have lost:

Baby teeth

Vacuum attachments

Elevator shoes

A transmission

A whole Volvo

One pineal evocator

Three left socks

An agenda

A spare tire

A pet lizard

My mind

Much Needed Nonsense

Photo by Ravi Sharma

If your life gets a bit too serious at times, look no further. I’ll keep you on the weird and wild path. Below are listed and described some funny (and genius) ideas for cell phone apps. When your life starts challenging you with too much responsibility, or too much adulthood, or too much anything really, you can turn on one of these apps and get childish or just find what you really need.

FLUSH “Toilet Finder” This app comes to the rescue for anyone out of their territory who needs to locate the nearest public restroom. One particular review on this one said, “Pure genius.”

LICK THE ICICLE Your finger “licks” by swiping a digital icicle which appears on your phone when you use this app. Definitely designed for moments of extreme boredom.

HONEY HARMONICA Turn your phone into a virtual musical instrument. There are other harmonica apps, but this one has the best reviews I could find. So if you’re looking for a way to play harmonica but don’t happen to have your actual harmonica with you, take out your phone and start playing.

iBEER Also comes with functions that look like milk, champagne, and “chocolate drink”, this app transforms your phone to look as though it’s a glass full of the selected beverage. You tip your phone up by your mouth to complete the illusion of drinking.

INSTANT BUTTONS This app is only an excuse to make fart noises, but I think it is the original, so they get points for being original. The reviews are terrible though, so you should most likely avoid loading it on your phone.

BIG BANG WHIP Like the app above, this one is a way for you to make funny, silly, and even annoying sounds with your phone. Unlike Instant Buttons, though, Big Bang Whip has really good reviews (as of the date of this ‘barchive post).

SQUID SURVIVAL GAME  “Chance to become billionaire is on your hand now. So get ready and survive now.” I wouldn’t have even mentioned this app except for that nearly unintelligible marketing description. Ha ha, marketing.

FAKE CALL PRO: PRANK CALL APP And here is the one you need if you’re forever trying to get out of doing something. Set the timer and you can pretend to answer your phone and get away from whatever other business you may be doing at the time.

Sharpest Tool

New resolutions don’t have to be confined to New Year’s Day. We have the power to make changes to our habits and our routines, so we can make new habits and routines.

For example, I once made a resolution in July to not throw snowballs at anyone for a month. I absolutely conquered that one. It was like I was born to make resolutions.

Then there was another time when I resolved to learn another language. I decided to learn Australian. Now I speak it fluently.

I don’t want to be addicted to anything. Addictions are things you can live without but feel like you can’t possibly, not even for a minute. I realized I think every day, all day I’m thinking, so I better best that habit before it controls me. Then I quit. It feels good. I been off the thought horse for four days now.

Y’all oughta try it.

Ice Cream Flavors

Photo by Elza Kurbanova

Now that we’ve all faltered once or twice in our attempts to get skinny again, I’m going to play devil’s advocate and list all the ice cream flavors there ever were. As a primer though, I have to admit, not all the names of ice cream flavors are here, since many of them don’t really describe the flavor. Realistically, Superman and Tootie Frootie are the same flavor (fruit flavoring, heavy on the lemon).

I’m eating my words, too, though I’m not eating the ice cream which has been flavored with tomatoes. Yes, someone has finally done gone and tried to prove botanists right by sticking tomatoes in ice cream. (Tomatoes still aren’t fruit in culinary terms, only botanical terms.) Oh well, I’ve eaten brownies made with black beans. Might as well try some ice cream with tomatoes in it. Could even have them together.

So now, before the ice cream melts, here are all the flavors you’ve ever wanted:

1. Vanilla

2. Strawberry

3. Chocolate

4. Rocky Road

5. Mint Chocolate Chip

6. Tootie Frootie

7. Cookies and Cream

8. Cookie Dough

9. Banana

10. Licorice

11. Rainbow Sherbet

12. Ginger

13. Cherry

14. Maple

15. Basil

16. Coconut

17. Mango

18. Peanut Butter

19. Black Walnut

20. Pizza

21. Eggnog

22. Popcorn

23. Butterscotch

24. Orange

25. Pistachio

26. Candy Cane

27. Turmeric

28. Lavender

29. Peach

30. Cotton Candy

31. Butter Pecan

32. Peppermint

33. Superman

34. Bubblegum

35. Grape

36. Watermelon

37. Lemon

38. Oregon Blackberry

39. Tomato? Yep, it’s real.

40. Caramel

and of course…

41. Bacon

Recently Read: Jamie Foxx—Act Like You Got Some Sense

First let me tell you, before I criticize it and give you the wrong message, this book is worth reading.

Now let me tell you why it’s worth reading.

Mr. Eric Bishop (stage name Jamie Foxx) spells out some seriously valuable methods to being a great father, even a great parent as he relates much of his life in the book. So not only do you get the scoop on what it’s like to be him, but you get nuggets of wisdom about how not to mess up your children too bad, how to be there for them, and what children really want (your time and attention).

One of the saddest moments in the book, or in Jamie’s life, is when he’s waiting for his mom on Christmas, but I better not go into too much detail here, you need to read the book to know why he’s waiting for his mom. In contrast, and fortunately, there are many funny and happy moments, some of which involve his mom. He didn’t have a terrible life, even if many of his admitted wounds are still healing.

Jamie is a comedian from Texas, so we should expect some funny, right? Oh it’s there. At several points while reading his book, I laughed hard. People were looking at me like, “What is this guy doing?” and I’d just hold up the book so they could see it, and they’d nod. Oh, it’s that book by Jamie Foxx, of course. Yeah, they knew, and so do you, so go get it, read it and find out what’s so funny.

One of the minor failures in the book, according to me, is that he doesn’t talk about the Wayans. He drops other names like Marvin Gaye and Chadwick Boseman, but he barely even mentions his time on In Living Color. As far as I can find, there’s no biography of the Wayans brothers yet. The closest I could find is a book written by Damon Wayans called Red Hats (a fiction novel). Close enough, I reckon, so that’s what I’m reading next.

In Jamie’s book, Act Like You Got Some Sense, there’s a brilliant chapter which shows the weakness of the idiotic principle of “snitches get stitches”. It goes like this: first he teaches his children the idea, then one of the children wrecks part of his house, then he regrets teaching them because he really wants to know who wrecked his house but they won’t tell him. Comedy in the making, right there. Jamie doesn’t always fall so hard when he’s teaching his daughters, but in that instance it involved some other family members, so he had more than only two to look at as possible suspects. He found out how hard it is to do critical police work when no one around is being helpful.

One other thing that might turn a reader off is that there is a plethora of cussing throughout the book. If you’re not willing to add less-than Southern-hospitality words to your vocabulary, then you might want to skip Act Like You Got Some Sense. Actually, he dives into the idea of getting a better vocabulary when he relates a conversation he had with his daughter about a song containing the word bitch. His daughter asked him if she was one of those, and somehow let him know she wasn’t buying it even if anyone thought she was. Then he goes on to explain how he has empowered his daughters through sports, and teaching them acting, and how to play the piano. Exactly how it should be done. Good call, Jamie.

Regardless of whether you’re looking for parenting advice, or insights into the life of Jamie Foxx, or why he changed his name, or even just something funny to read, Act Like You Got Some Sense is a decent book to spend time reading.