Candy Critic (Holiday Edition)

Photo by Laura Ockel

Conversation Hearts (Sweethearts): The scandalous candies which carry messages such as, “R U 🙂 ?” Well, just hope the person you give these to has a sense of humor, or at least shares your sense of humor, or you might get some little candy hearts back with messages like, “U R Alone”.

Hershey’s Kisses: Little drops of chocolate wrapped in foil with a thin strip of paper resting inside the foil, they’re sort of like a fortune cookie but without the fortune. Still, no one’s going to turn one down just because there’s no fortune on the paper. They’ll toss the paper and eat the chocolate.

Cadbury Creme Eggs: Chocolate egg shells? Yes, and it works. The chocolate holds in the liquidy, creamy filling, complete with a yellow “yolk” in the middle of the white. Eat these any way you like, but no matter how you do, it’s going to be messy.

Cadbury Mini Eggs: A favorite for people who want a rich chocolate inside a hard candy shell. These are seasonal, like a lot of things Cadbury makes, but the people who enjoy them wish they were made year-round.

Peeps: Marshmallows shaped something like a young chicken, these are super fun to make into S’mores.

Chocolate Bunny: For the chocolate part of your S’mores you might want to use a Chocolate Bunny. Make sure it’s a solid chocolate bunny, because those hollow ones are super messy to make into S’mores. Then again, if you’re making S’mores, it’s going to be a sticky mess anyway.

Raspberry Sticks: Raspberry jelly in the form of a finger-sized stick, the sticks are coated with chocolate. Lined up in a rectangular box, the sticks look like small portions, but it’s easy for the kid in you to eat a whole row.

Orange Sticks: A decadent way to eat an orange, they’re orange jelly in a thin coat of chocolate.

Terry’s Chocolate Orange: A decadent way to mimic an orange, it’s solid chocolate arranged in orange-slice pieces and connected much like an orange, in a sphere shape. The fun of these is you get to break it apart somehow. Your method of breakage is limited only by your imagination.

Speaking of your imagination, all of the above candies may be traditional for other holidays, but they are hilarious to hand out for Hallowe’en. Trick OR treat!

Candy Critic (Pop Edition)

Pop Rocks: These sweet tiny candies are so much fun! Grab a handful, it’s like putting fireworks in your mouth. Once you have a handful and turn it into a mouthful, you’ll want to open your mouth so everyone nearby can hear what you’re eating.

Ring Pop: Another candy you can wear. Like the Candy Necklace, only less dangerous. It goes with you, you can do other things, and have a lick any time you want. If anyone ever proposes marriage to you with a Ring Pop, you’ll know they aren’t serious. Avoid that person for the rest of forever.

Blow Pop: This is a sucker with a surprise in the middle. Okay, you can probably guess from the name that a Blow Pop has bubble gum in the middle. After you’re done licking, you can chew on the gum. Some of you out there are shaking your heads, knowing full well that you don’t wait ’til the hard candy is all gone before you start chewing on the gum. You chomp down on it and the hard candy gets mixed in with the gum for an intriguing crunchy/chewy experience.

Tootsie Roll Pop: Just like the Blow Pop, this sucker has a surprise, only this time it isn’t gum, it’s Tootsie Roll. One of life’s most difficult questions was posed by the company many years ago—How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?

Tootsie Roll: Lightly chocolate flavored, these are a pocket’s favorite candy. They don’t melt as fast as a chocolate bar, so you can keep them in your pocket and not worry too much about the consistency of the candy when you finally take it back out again. For the same reason you can suck on one for a good long time, but most people are probably not that patient and prefer to chew them all gone.

Bottle Caps: Flavored like your favorite soda pop, these are basically large Smarties. If you want to have a fun debate with your friends, argue over the best flavor.

Root Beer Barrels: For those times when you want the flavor but not the drink, there are Root Beer Barrels. Hard candy like this requires patience and fortitude. When you really want one, though, you’ll summon up the fortitude from your inner child.

Starburst: They don’t actually burst, or pop. They are a chewy candy with a variety of flavors. Everyone has their favorite flavor. You can often barter and trade your least-favorite flavor for your most-favorite. Served up they are squares, individually wrapped, stacked, and wrapped again.

Mentos: When you eat them rather than react them, you’ll find a hard outer shell with a chewy middle. The best friend to carbonated beverages, Mentos have a reputation for being fun to eat and fun to use when you want to play kitchen chemist. Next time you have a chance, and a hankering for candy mischief, make the choice for Mentos and a bottle of pop you won’t be drinking.

Candy Critic

Candy Corn: The name is perfectly alliterative. Candy Corn texture is ideal on the fresh ones, and only slightly less ideal as they get older, and harder. The flavor doesn’t remind anyone of anything. They are sweet, unique, goodness. The shape is also unique. Because of the shape, candy corns are a must for making yourself look like a colorful vampire or werewolf, or decorating a gingerbread house.

Candy Cigarettes: (Crime edition) Also alliterative, these have a nasty reputation for being a gateway drug. They might persuade you to think you’re cooler than those actors in the old-time, gritty detective shows. Only if you’re an impressionable young thing, of course. Otherwise you’re only going to chew them up, and if you do, you’re going to find them dull. They have a flavor and texture like conversation hearts.

Gummi Bears: These have different flavors. You’re sure to find a favorite flavor and color. They are basically like the hardened skin off a tub of Jello, which is honestly, lots of fun. One mischievous side effect is that if you lick the flat side of the bear, you can stick the bear to a window, or your friend’s forehead.

Cinnamon Bears: With a texture more sticky than a gummi, cinnamon bears are the kind of candy you will enjoy if you are fond of using your tongue to dislodge the between your teeth leftovers.

Swedish Fish: These are cinnamon bears with a different shape and flavor. Or possibly you could say the reverse is true. If you didn’t like the flavor of cinnamon, then Swedish Fish might be an ideal alternative to Cinnamon Bears.

Candy Necklace: Although I don’t much enjoy wearing my own saliva, the flavor of these is excellent. The ‘beads’ are like Smarties if Smarties had a hole in the middle, and the idea is that you wear it so you can crunch the beads off one by one. It’s a little weird that as you crunch the beads, the necklace starts to get tighter. Other than that strange sensation, the Candy Necklace is a novel arrangement.

Candy Bracelet: Same as a Candy Necklace, only smaller. Do not mistake this for a necklace.

Whoppers: Chocolate-coated malted milk balls. These are as fun to roll around as they are to eat.

Milk Duds: Chocolate-coated caramel. Not as spherical as Whoppers, Milk Duds don’t roll so well. The fun way to eat these is to suck all the chocolate off. What you do with the center is up to you.

Butterfinger: Chocolate-coated butterbrittle. Or is it chocolate-coated butterbrick? Butterfingers can be a tasty treat, but you have to be in the mood for biting into the hardest food in existence.

Ponderous One

Well, aren’t you the…ponderous one?

Second in the Ponderous series, Ponderous One is full of similar questions to those in the first, which will help you view the world around you much differently.

For instance, “Why would the second in a series be titled One?”

With such profound questions as, “What if fiction writers are not writing what they imagine, but instead writing about distant realities?” and “How can one search for empyreal evidence?” Ponderous One is a fantastic way to ruminate on life and the mysteries of your everyday.

The reason these books are titled Ponderous and Ponderous One are partly because of the fabulous song by 2NU (a.k.a. 2NU2) and their song “This Is Ponderous“. The song takes you on a trip with a mystical character through his dreamland, making you wonder what it would be like to miss work for a day and keep dreaming.

The Ponderous series will take you on a trip, or even a series of trips, as you mull over the profound questions within the pages. Ponderous One manages to pick up where Ponderous left off, and here’s a secret for those of you paying attention to this ‘barchive, rather than only reading about the book in your local critic’s ‘zine: it’s called One because the second number on a number line is one, and the first number is zero. Silly, I know, but it helps you think critically. It helps to see a different side of things, because when you can see the other side, it opens up possibilities.

Ultimately, that’s what Ponderous One is about: seeing a different side of things.

Outrageous Movie Titles

If, by chance, you read through this immense list of movie titles and find one you are dying to see, let me know in the comments and I’ll write the screenplay for it.

Teenage Zombie Felons

Demon Acid Dames

3-headed Dog Trainer

Dirtbags and Society Hags

Surly Wolf-child Crossing Gard

Red Hot Actress Reactions

Steel-toed & Hard-hearted

League of Lanky Lunkheads

Department of Cannibal Transportation

Leather Biker Ferrets

Lovely Moonchild Vampire

Angsty Golf Nancys

Phys. Ed. Teacher of the Damned

Dribble-face Toddler Heroes

Neon Razor Husky Huntress

Knucklehead Numptys Take the World for a Spin

Octogenarian Ninja Club

C.A.B. Driver (Chemist Apothecary Bartender)

Scabby Draggy Daisy-Duke Chopper

Twice Bitten Ultra-Shy Armageddon Surfers

Haunted Condominium Dwellers

Queen Bee Neighborhood Chick

Fright Fest on Speed

Caged Feral Waitress Kittens