Hilarious real names for prescription drugs

photo by Myriam Zilles

You’re not going to believe this. The names of many prescription drugs will have you scratching your head in confusion or rolling on the floor laughing. Your reaction may depend on how you choose to pronounce the names. It must be admitted, though, that while I was perusing this list, I couldn’t help but make up a few of my own. Those which were invented by me will be flagged as such. As you read through, have fun thinking up some of your own.

Amen (this is real, it’s progesterone)

Actitex (imadeitup)

Anexsia

Aristocort

Aspergum

Beepen VK

Bumex (no kidding)

Camalox

Chooz

Cromagazine (imiu)

Di-Spaz

Empirin

Endafed

Ethnozine (imiu)

Fastin

Femazole

Flurbiprofen

Gastonate (imiu)

Hubristine (imiu)

Hygroton

Hyzaar

Intensol

Janimine

Kaylixir

K-G Elixir (I wish I thought of it first)

Kilopril (imiu)

Lasix

Levatol

Lopressor

Lorabid

Lowsium

Magmalin

Masculozole (imiu)

Mykrox

Naturetin

Omnipen

Ovral

Penetrex

Pork NPH Iletin II

Proctocream

Questran

Quagmirizine (imiu)

Ratio

Relaxadon

Roxilox

Rythmol

Skelaxin

Snaplets-EX Granules

Spectrobid

Sporanox

Sterapred

Tanoral

Taxol

Tempo

Ten-K

Totacillin

Trimpex

Urex

Uro-Mag

Valium (common)

Veetids

Vermox

Weh-less

Wymox

Xanax (common)

Xanthanadu (imiu)

Yoyoziprole (imiu)

Zestoretic

Zoologiderm (imiu)

One other thing I noticed was that only one of these was underlined in red, and it wasn’t even one of the names I made up, it was a real prescription drug. Apparently spell-check recognizes even the fake ones.

Egyptian Fascination

Did you know the Egyptians used to prepare corpses for a second life by embalming and mummifying them?

The embalming is fascinating because it was recognized that certain parts of the body decayed in different ways. Much of what was in the gut would not only rot itself, but the flesh and bones around the intestinal cavity as well.

The Egyptians realized removing everything from the abdomen would allow what remained—to remain.

Part of the embalmation process was to thrust a rod or tube up through the nasal cavity, then to dig with pick and shovel to remove the brain out through the hole. Just kidding about the shovel. The pick though, was real, just not the pick one might think of someone using to dig.

It was not a pickax, but a smaller metal pick with a hooked end for grabbing and pulling brain tissue through a tiny hole.

This is fascinating in a revealing sort of way. When you ask yourself the question, “Where does my spirit reside within my body?” you might be tempted to say it resides in your head. But consider the way the Egyptians thought about this question. They didn’t believe there was any purpose to the brain, because it was so temporary. It didn’t last forever so it didn’t earn a place among that which was saved. That which could last forever was given high status in the tomb, and even given preservatives to ensure it could last forever.

Flesh and bones were wrapped and laid in golden slumber.

The brain, though given a high priority, and high status to us in this day and age, still doesn’t remain for long after death when left to its own fluids. Along those same lines, neither does the heart. Many people might say the heart is where the spirit resides. If so, does the spirit shrivel up and turn into a rotting black stone?

That was a morbid joke. Apologies to anyone out there who wasn’t ready for that sort of Addam’s Family humor.

Regardless of whether you find the subject humorous or fascinating, I still believe it’s worth entertaining some thought on the subject.

Wrongness

Like a toy store with extremely tall shelves.

Like a couch with no cushion.

Like a gard-dog with no teeth.

Like a rich man with no imagination.

Like an empty well.

Like a mountain bike with only one wheel.

Like a talentless pride.

Like salsa with no peppers.

Like a spider with no venom.

Like a camel with no hump.

Like a crazy with no hospital, no restraints, no jacket.

Like a troll with no bridge.

Like a medley without a bridge.

Like a mustache without a man.

Like a surfer without a tan.

Like a farmer with no land.

Like an udder with no milk.

Like a cookie with no milk.

What’s Your Damage?

The phrase, or question, “What’s your damage?” really deserves a revival.

Everyone is damaged somehow. Everyone has their pet peeves and their pet biases.

I have yet to meet anyone who is perfectly sane. There is a high percentage of people who are fantastic actors though, so we see most people with their sane faces whenever they’re in public.

Life is a stage. So said Norman Bates.

Or more accurately, so said Robert Bloch, the writer of Psycho, who recognized how humans can seem to be good, mother-loving citizens, but have some weird and psychotic secrets.

Driving around any city in America, the covert issues start to show, they start to be expressed rather than repressed. That’s when you’ll be wanting a rhetorical question like, “What’s your damage!?”

Attending a therapy meeting, with other like-minded individuals, you might use the same question, only you might soften the delivery a little, so you can get to know your new friends: “What’s your damage?”

Sounds like asking someone what their favorite neurosis is.

When shopping for someone to watch your dog for the weekend, this question is highly valuable. You’ll be wanting to know exactly what you’re getting for your money. “So, my potential dog-sitter, what’s your damage?”

If they say, “Nothing. I’m perfectly sane.” Yeah, right. They’re lying. What else will they lie about? Whether they neglected your pet or not?

When picking politicians out of the tar pit to represent you, the question doesn’t even need to be asked, it should be understood. “We the people, want to know what your damage is.” If the politician admits his, or her, failings and shortcomings, you’ll know they’re grassroots and won’t be in the political scene long. The lifetime politicians are the ones who hide every sickness, no matter how common.

The phrase, “What’s your damage?” works well in many distressing situations too. When a tree falls on your house, you can ask it, “What’s your damage, tree?” When a hurricane ruins your sailboat, the same question applies, except it’s for the hurricane. And when your rice paddy dries up, you can still ask, even though you know exactly what the damage is.

Really, it’s a question, or a phrase, with a variety of uses.

Look for ways you can use it.

Revive the phrase. Revive the question. Get to know the psychos in your life.

The Last Day of February

Photo by Mwangi Gatheca

For all the persons born on the 29th of February, I have a proposition. What if, instead of dropping your day off the map, we dropped another day?

Think of it this way: your birthday is missing from the calendar for three year increments, then every fourth year it returns—but it doesn’t have to be. February 29th is just the day someone picked long ago.

What we could do instead is to remove a different day from the year on those in-between years, and we could start with any day you want. How about George Washington’s birthday? He’s passed on, so he won’t miss it.

Or, of course we could just go in order and have next year be missing March 1st. Then the next year March 2nd, and so on.

That kind of middle-of-the-month day removal could get confusing to some people. “Wait, yesterday it was the 19th and now it’s the 21st? What happened?”

No worries. It will be just fine. In fact, you can be the ambassador for the change and help console those poor people who don’t understand when the calendar is missing a specific day. Tell them it’s the new leap day. Tell them how the calendar requires minor adjustments every so often because Earth’s orbit doesn’t perfectly fit into a 365 day cycle. Tell them how the seasons would be off if we didn’t. Tell them how other major adjustments have to be made, such as having to choose between two other days on the calendar to celebrate your birth.

So, what we’ll do instead is we’ll keep the 29th of February for about 486 years, removing a different day each year, except leap years because we’ll be keeping leap years as the only years with all the calendar days.

Simple, right?

Happy Birthday!