Time for the first annual Smart Off, sponsored today by WordNerd, the language learning program that wisely teaches you all the cuss words before anything as common as “Hello.” So, “Hello,” all you bastardos apestosos. Welcome to the Smart Off, a challenge of witty proportions. Should you choose to participate, you’ll need to borrow a #2 pencil from someone, break it in half and give them back the half without the eraser. Now that you have an eraser, travel to any poster, magazine, or newspaper (your town may have some free ones) and once you’ve gained access to one of these, take that eraser and erase all the eyes out of or off of the whole thing. Try not to put holes in the product; it looks so much more freaky if there’s some two-dimensional material left behind. Now that you’ve performed the pre-game ceremony, it’s time for the real program. Take yourself to the nearest social media where you can comment on anyone’s and everyone’s words. Get on there and make your first five comments “Yeah, right.” Make your next five comments “As if.” There may be something better, more clever, smarter, wiser you could say. If such cleverness comes to you, dispense it! Fifteen to twenty smart comments gets you a bronze medal in the Smart Off; twenty to twenty-five is a silver medal; thirty is gold!
It was the longest cold spell in Walkerville history. All the kids were excited that the schools were closed. All the kids, except the ones who were supposed to go on a field trip. Their bus was the only way they could get around to places like Hawaii and Pompeii. And why did they want so badly to go to hot places? Not because they were sick and tired of snow. Everyone loves snow. They wanted to learn about the physics of the volcano. And their field trips were usually such a mix of education and entertainment, it was worth it for these kids to attend school. They wanted to check out lava from inside the volcano more than they wanted to build snow forts and throw snowballs at each other. It was a strange culture they had fallen into, yet they embraced it with their every fiber, yes, their every molecule. Next time the bus was running, these strange kids hoped to study even those.
School was closed for a snow day, and the Frizz-kids of Walkerville Elementary School could not enjoy it.
It hasn’t crossed our minds lately because we start to get accustomed to it after a short time. We take it for granted that there are companies vying for our personal information. They want the information because they can sell it to other companies who might benefit from selling us their products.
The idea is not new, though it is more easily employed these days since so many of us voluntarily offer up our personal tastes and opinions daily.
It was John Stuart Mill who saw the possibility in 1843. Even though he didn’t prophetically predict the digital-age marketing engine, he did see that there was a potential for the practices of that engine when he said,
“Correctly conceived, the doctrine called Philosophical Necessity is simply this: that, given the motives which are present to an individual’s mind, and given likewise the character and disposition of the individual, the manner in which he will act might be unerringly inferred; that if we knew the person thoroughly, and knew all the inducements which are acting upon him, we could foretell his conduct with as much certainty as we can predict any physical event.”
The gist of it, if you didn’t understand the Olde-English, is that watching someone closely enough will tell you what they would do in any certain situation.
And this is every free website, of course. Any service that is “free” is still going to either advertise up front or sell a product on the backend, and if it’s on the backend, then that product is whoever signs up for the service.
The inspiration, should you need it, is that there are people in this bold new world who don’t even offer the marketing engine a binary digit. If it’s what you want, you can do like those people and just deny the marketing engine any information. It does require that you ignore the desire to hear news or voice an opinion.
We can stay out of sight from the info sellers.
We can also live in their sight, and it will be just fine, as long as we don’t mind our personal likes and opinions being sold, as long as we don’t take for granted that the marketing engine is working behind the scenes.
As a man, I am in a unique position to tell you some of the secret rules of men.
One of the first rules to know about men is this: “Bigger is better.” For instance, a man wants a big truck. If some other man has a bigger truck than him, the man will make up for it by going to the Maverik and buying the biggest possible Pepsicoke he can find (somewhere in the vicinity of a keg, complete with a bendy straw), and he’ll load up on the mega nachos, and don’t forget the Everest-size pack of beef jerky. This will make him feel better about seeing someone in a bigger rig, but you do have to understand, if he could upsize to a monster truck and legally drive it on the highway, he would.
Likewise, when a man becomes a cook, he wants an oven big enough to roast an emu or a moose. Not while they’re alive, of course; they will have been properly marinated.
This rule is how the idea of an addition to a house was born. The man looked at his house, decided there could be more, and he added an extension to it. Adding an extension to an extension is not out of the question, or out of the realm of possibilities. This is of course how the Pentagon was built. It started out as a ranch-style rectangle, then the first addition came off at 72 degrees. Another was added and another, until they were obliged to complete the pentagon shape to comply with the second rule of men.
The second rule of men is: “If you can make it look cool, do.” This is how chrome was invented. Man could look at rust and think it’s cool, but he also wanted to be flashy around the ladies, so he put chrome over the rust. It didn’t matter what the object was. If it could be catalyzed or dipped or coated, he was ready to make it reflect the sun. Everything from a car bumper to a spade, and many objects in between, have been chromed, if only to make them look more amazing than they really are.
That whole leaning tower of Pisa? You guessed it. It wasn’t built that way on accident. A man dared to ask, “Okay, so how can we make this stand out?”
The bike has followed all the rules of men by men over the ages. Bikes have been made bigger, shinier, and better looking in many ways. Even the riding of the bike has followed the rules: bigger air, flashier tricks, faster velodrome times, faster downhill. Now, this is not to say women haven’t contributed to the variety of biking sports. Marianne Vos, Pauline Ferrand-Prevot, and Haley Batten are top-tier at what they do. The point is that men have an innate desire to make things bigger somehow, or make them stand out in some way. This includes the physical object and how it’s used.
It was a man, after all, who, following a woman’s successful ride, decided it would look cool to go over the falls of Niagara in a chromed barrel. Charles G. Stephens made the fatal mistake of tying an anvil to his feet, thinking it would keep him inside the barrel. Upon impact, the anvil shot through the bottom of the barrel, and those watching only ever found one of his arms with the hollowed out remains of his barrel.
The third rule, and not the last, is one word: “Embellishment.” According to men, any story worth telling is worth embellishing. Otherwise known as BS or exaggeration, the man can’t tell a story without the main character being eaten by a wild animal, even if the main character is himself. And all this didn’t take place in the jungle, where wild animals are usually found, but it might have happened on the moon, or in a cave leading to the center of Earth, or in your backyard if that makes the tale all the more outlandish.
Remember the third rule whenever you hear the word “actually” come out of a man’s mouth. It’s probable that whatever facts he promises may be less reality than they are pure fantasy.
He has a full deck of jokers. He has a college degree from Wisenheimer University. He has a monster truck that can fly because he inflated the tires with helium. He learned how to spell from listening to old blues records. He is 150% M-H-I-N.
As a man, I might be subject to these rules, especially when I talk about architecture (wink, wink, hint, hint).
Some dare produce a list of the “greatest guitarists” without any sort of reasoning behind their choices. Since I can’t stand unquantified, I went ahead and made my own list with quantifiers. I figured it was all up to me since no other list out there can justify the positions of their picks. I had to make the ultimate list.
Creating this list wasn’t easy. Except for the number one spot. Anyone can look at the numbers, yes real numbers, and see who has the simple-truth quantifiable status as the greatest. I used amount of work and amount of influence as the main standards. Certainly skill should play a part in defining someone as “great”, but can anyone continue making more and more albums without any skill? Of course not.
Joe Satriani—With over 25 albums, around 20 collaborative albums, and numerous students, there’s really no doubt that Joe Satriani surpasses all other guitarists. As a solo artist, he is the most prolific. As a teacher, he has taught many who have in turn influenced and taught others. For collaboration, he is unmatched. You could play the Kevin Bacon game in Satriani’s name, only for music instead of movies. Some of Satriani’s collaborations can be surprising. Spinal Tap? Crowded House? Deep Purple? Yes, all of the above. Joe Satriani is the standard to measure all other guitarists. To put it in perspective, some of his students include: Larry LaLonde (Primus), Kirk Hammett (Metallica), Alex Skolnick (Testament), and Steve Vai, among others. Of the four listed, Steve Vai and Kirk Hammett went on to influence thousands of other guitarists each.
Jimi Hendrix—Despite only having four albums, he remains the name most people think of when they think of guitar superheroes, and for good reason. Jimi’s music is experimental. He was skilled beyond his years. Like a samurai to his sword, Jimi was to his guitar. He influenced many to pick up the guitar and play.
Paul Gilbert—Racer X, Mr. Big, and his solo career with multiple, multiple albums. This dude has the skills of a guitar master and is prolific in the music arts.
Joan Jett—Undoubtely influential. Her success didn’t only resonate with guitarists, or female guitarists, or female musicians. She even influenced entrepreneurs the world over with her entrepreneurial drive, with her refusal to accept rejection.
Eddie Van Halen—Touted by Joe Satriani as the “greatest guitarist of my generation.” He was able to produce 12 albums and influenced multiple generations.
Michael Anthony—People came to see Eddie and were amazed at Michael Anthony’s skill as well. Bass players of all styles are influenced by him. From Van Halen to Chickenfoot.
Kim Thayil—Soundgarden. He is the sound and the power. ’Nuff said.
Tom Morello—The same Tom Morello of the bands Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave.
T-Bone Walker—The guy who influenced Jimi to play with his teeth or behind his head, and influenced Chuck Berry to bend the strings.
Peggy Jones—“Lady Bo” or “The Queen Mother of Guitar” for sure persuades many who see her play lead guitar to try the instrument. Not only is she skilled, but the songs she played are still sweet-sounding today.
Chuck Berry—The man who taught everyone to write songs about cars and girls and “coolerators”. He truly makes the guitar playing look and sound as easy as “ringing a bell”.
George Harrison—The main man of the fab four. (For guitar, that is.)
Robby Krieger—The Doors were one of the most influential bands ever due to their amazingly cinematic sound. The guitar sound was, of course, due to Robby Krieger.
Dave Davies—The Kinks, a band who took Chuck Berry’s sound to new levels.
Charlie Christian—An underrated musician by many who look from the outside of the music world. He was an originator of the guitar solo.
Link Wray—Link is credited with the invention of the “power chord”. If you’ve ever heard the Batman theme song, you know his work.
Bo Diddley—Bo is an amazing musician, with superb skills at song writing and guitar playing. His influence stretched into popular vernacular and the phrase, “You don’t know Diddley.”
Jimmy Page—Him of the Stairway to Heaven aesthetic.
Otis Taylor—A blues man of unparalleled skill.
Johnny Cash—A country man of unparalleled skill.
Elizabeth Cotten—An amazing left-handed guitarist, who taught herself and influenced many such as Pete Seeger and Bob Dylan.
Alex Lifeson—The lead guitarist of the band Rush. The fact that Rush has fans to this day says something about him.
David Gilmour—A guitarist of the band Pink Floyd, he has done tons of work for the music community.
Michael Schenker—Scorpions, UFO, Michael Schenker Group. He takes it above and beyond.
Angus Young—The lead guitarist of a band called AC/DC. His style is epileptic, but apparently that appeals to the masses.
Eric Clapton—A guitar guy’s guitar guy.
Brian May—The guitarist of Queen. He is regarded by guitarists as an influence. Despite my aversion to his music, I have to respect his skill and apparent effect on others. This list is not a list of my faves, but quantifiably great guitarists.
Joni Mitchell—Folk musician who encouraged the likes of Seal and Prince.
Sister Rosetta Tharpe—She might get overlooked as a great guitarist because she played gospel music. People can be biased. I’m of the opinion that she played so well as to be an example of righteous shredding to many who followed.
Wes Montgomery—Invented thumb picking, a style adopted by many.
Vernon Reid—Another, like Joan Jett, whose skill is so great it affects those outside the music community. He has a world-class talent.
Dave Grohl—The artist formerly known as the Nirvana drummer, picked up a guitar and influenced us all with the Foo Fighters and some work with Queens of the Stone Age.
Dick Dale—He brought the sounds of his homeland to the beach and the beach echoed it to the world.
Brian Setzer—Nobody ever listens to or sees Brian play without wanting to be just as cool as him.
Yngwie Malmsteen—The guitar shredder who dared show how closely related heavy metal and classical music really are.
Felicia Collins—She is famous for playing on the Late Show with David Letterman. Her skills have taken her far beyond late shows.
Jack White—The “Midas Touch” guy. His hands are constantly on multiple projects.
Ritchie Blackmore—Rainbow, Deep Purple.
Glenn Tipton—Judas Priest. Similar to Brian May, in my eyes. He triggered the desire in many to pick up the guitar and play.
Herman Li—A Dragon Force shredder who has impressive skills. Terribly influential right now.
Pete Townshend—The Who is his band. He was often mimicked, but never matched.
Chris Shiflett—From his beginnings with No Use For A Name and Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, he moved on to the Foo Fighters.
John Lennon—He who put his stamp upon the world through his band the Beatles.
Paul McCartney—With John Lennon, he made a sound heard round the world.
Alex Skolnick—Taught by Joe, he played in Testament and has done loads of solo stuff.
Kristy Wallace (Poison Ivy of the Cramps)—Has raised the bar on how much music can be written and played in a lifetime. The Cramps were around from 1976 to 2009. She played lead and bass guitar.
Keith Richards—Of the Rolling Stones, prolific and influential. Check and check.
Dickey Betts—Allman Brothers guitarist who is said to have had an effect on the direction of music as we know it because of his brilliant guitar work.
Geddy Lee—Rush bassist. The outstanding stand out, yes they do.
Carlos Santana—What list of guitarists is complete without Santana? His melodies are pristine. 25 studio albums! What!?
Tim Farriss—INXS is internationally known because of him. 12 albums.
Mike McCready is the amazing guitarist of Pearl Jam, so why does everyone want to be like Vedder? Tell me.
Shawn Lane—Has worked with Ringo Starr, Johnny Cash, Joe Walsh, to name only a few.
Ross Childress—Collective Soul’s guitarist. He influenced every guitarist who didn’t want to just do grunge in the ‘90s.
Orianthi—Worked with Prince, Michael Jackson, and Alice Cooper. She also has a solo career.
Billy Duffy—The guitarist for The Cult. Amazing skill makes him a guitar superhero.
Suzi Gardner—Nobody rocks like L7. They spawned the Grrrl movement. Highly influential.
Donita Sparks—Nobody rocks like L7. She influenced the Grrrl movement.
Dave Mustaine—His band Megadeth is still in operation after many years. He was the driving force behind other bands. He has undoubtedly influenced many bands both great and small. 15 albums.
Tommy Victor—The lead guitarist and vocalist of Prong. 12 albums and still going strong. Bam!
Jerry Cantrell—Of Alice In Chains fame, Jerry has a huge following.
Bernard Sumner—The guitarist of New Order and Joy Division.
Johnny Marr—The Smiths is his original band. He has skills matched by few.
William Reid—The Jesus and Mary Chain may have borrowed some tricks from Hendrix, but they’ve also moved a future generation.
Larry LaLonde—Taught by Joe, his main band is Primus.
Vicki Peterson—The Bangles was her outlet. She is revered by many.
Flea—Often mimicked bassist of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Real name: Michael Peter Balzary.
Buddy Guy—So many on this list were influenced by Buddy’s blues style.
Eric Johnson—Award-winning guitarist with a wide range of styles.
Bruce Wingate—The originator of speed.
Jack Steeples—If there was no Adrenalin O.D, would there be any thrash metal at all?
Kristin Hersh—Guitarist of Throwing Muses for 10 albums. College radio is in her debt for that. She also has 11 solo albums.
Wendy Melvoin—Worked with and possibly influenced Prince. Why is her name not more well-known?
Marty Friedman—Worked with Jason Becker on many projects.
Jason Becker—Worked with Marty Friedman on many projects.
Melissa Etheridge—The woman who could do it all, according to guitarists everywhere. She can play, she can sing, and she writes her own tunes.
Shuggie Otis—Plays the blues like a cat out in the rain.
Steve Vai—Plays the guitar with virtuosity.
Denny Laine—The bands Wings and the Moody Blues would have been lesser things without him.
Jack Johnson—Mellow music king, Jack Johnson has spawned an interest in acoustic art.
Mark Knopfler—A legend among guitar players. He has worked with Bob Dylan, Tina Turner, and many others.
Dean Roland—A Collective Soul guitarist. They busted through the grunge curtain right in the middle of it. Platinum selling albums.
Jesse Triplett—A Collective Soul guitarist. With Dean Roland, he made waves. 10 albums.
Jonny Greenwood—From Radiohead, he’s got a fair following.
Alan Jackson—With loads of albums under his belt, this guitar-playing, vocal-crooning, star has 16 albums to his name.
The Edge—U2’s favorite guitarist, not to mention many other’s.
Mark Tremonti—Creed, Alter Bridge, a guitarist who has greater influence than he knows.
Tony MacAlpine—13 albums, 5 bands, makes for a most persuasive place among those on this list.
Steve Albini—Of Big Black and Shellac, he is credited with encouraging and influencing many bands.
Joe Walsh—Multiple bands (Eagles, solo) and prolific work.
Kirk Hammett—Of Metallica fame, he is a major influence.
Mick Jones—The Clash guitarist who influenced Tom Morello, countless punk bands, and many others.
Joe Strummer—Is said to be the heart of The Clash.
Stevie Ray Vaughan—One highly artistic influencer.
Robert Johnson—Played the blues for everyone.
Jeff Beck—Yardbirds, The Jeff Beck Group. He’s been on people’s minds and on their turntables for generations.
Vinnie Moore—Played with UFO, Alice Cooper, and Dio.
Billy Gibbons—Of ZZ Top, he convinced people to pick up the guitar and grow facial hair.
Cat Stevens—A mad artist who changed his name many times, but never changed his guitar style.
Chet Atkins—Credited by his peers as one of the most influential guitarists in country music.
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