Guest column——”Ask Suzi Uzi”


Guest column——Ask Suzi Uzi, Advice specialist and psychologist


Dear Suzi,

Do I have to wear a mask in public?

Yours truly truly,

Not Scared


Dear Mr. Scared,

Your question made me pause. Are you saying you don’t want to wear a mask at all? Are you saying you prefer wearing one in private? Without knowing what your question really is, I can only guess, so I’ll give you the general answer—Yes. And before you claim they don’t work, let me ask you if you’ve considered an upgrade.

“Have you considered an upgrade?”

Probably the mask you’re using has the lowest possible rating for protection. Ratings for respiratory protective devices are determined by the size of the particles they will allow through to your lungs. Pulling your shirt up over your face, for instance, may keep the stench of your friend’s fart from getting to you, and it may not. You may do the same thing if you pass someone blowing sugary vape stench all over the sidewalk. You’ll block most of it, but still get the taste of oily strawberries coming through the cloth of your shirt. Upgrade to a surgical cloth mask and you might block a little more of the offensive odors and some of the particulates. Upgrade to N95 and you’ll block most of the odor and a little of the solids inherent in those kinds of stenches. Upgrade once more to P95 and you’ll not only remove the odor, but you’ll be safe from the majority of the oils in the vape, and the majority of the fecal particulates from your friend’s flatulence. Upgrade one final time to an enclosed air circulator, such as a SCUBA mask with tanks, and you won’t be breathing outside air at all.

Truly yours, truly,



Dear Suzi Uzi,

Why are manhole covers round?

Philosophically yours,



Dear Derek,

Are you really going to play that game with me? Pfffft! Easy question, easy answer: they’re not. Manhole covers are not round, they’re flat. Just like the Earth. Flat! Flat! Flat! Now get outta here!

Psychologically yours,



Dear Suzi,

Forces creat what?




Dear Unsure,

Excusing and scanning over any typo: Most forces create motion, but I suspect there are forces out there doing the exact opposite. If we were conversing about chaos elements, the opposite would be absolute, and infinitely so, but I wonder if you’re hinting at anthropogenic forces. If so, the opposite does occur. Men get going and tend to stop others. Just look at YouTube for a million and a half examples of this concept. This is called transpositional physical law. Men have a way of enacting unnatural events within a natural universe. Could it be that humans themselves are the quantum elements? Possibly. So which one do you think you are? Gluon? Lepton? Neutrino?

Undeniably yours,



Dear Dr. Uzi,

If a guy wants you to be his girlfriend, then asks you to do the laundry and clean the bathroom, should you?


Stella D.


Dear D.

Ewww, no! Next he’ll be asking you to do even more disgusting and degrading things. Have some self-respect.



Published by Kurt Gailey

This is where I'm supposed to brag about how I've written seven novels, twelve screenplays, thousands of short stories, four self-help books, and one children's early-reader, but I'd rather stay humble. You can find out about things I've written or follow my barchive (web archive, aka 'blog) at or follow me on twitter @kurt_gailey. I love sports and music and books, so if you're an athlete or in a band or you're a writer, give me a follow and I'll most likely follow you back. I've even been known to promote other people's projects.

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