The World’s Greatest Self-Improvement Catalog

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The World’s Greatest Self-Improvement Catalog is a book that’s going to be the best, most-read book ever written, but it hasn’t been written yet. Somehow I just haven’t found the right amount of motivation to finish it. There are countless books like it out there already to fill the gap until it is completed, so why try too hard, right?

  1. Something about results—We’ll start with results so people know we’re serious. Every business model contains results. Other models eat a single fish cracker for their daily meal. What does one model have to do with the other? The business model contains the beautiful model. See, we’ll get a beautiful model to sell The World’s Greatest Self-Improvement Catalog and people will be so mesmerized by her beauty they’ll buy the book for sure. It’s all about the sale, dude. Of course, this book won’t go into how to sell. That’ll be our secret.
  2. How to communicate alone—Everyone talks to themselves. Learn how to be an expert. Learn the best places to have introvert conversations. Learn how to talk into your cellphone camera. We’ll cover the basics of self-communication to further your lifestyle. We’ll go into even greater detail of the art of self-communication in a forthcoming book that will be hinted at heavily so you’ll be dying to buy it before it’s even on bookstore shelves.
  3. Know what other people want—Smoldering eyes. Fatness in the wallet. Curb appeal. High power in every machine. Offer them all they want. Offer them the moon. People love to hear what they want. They love it even more in someone else’s voice. Use your voice to offer them whatever it is you think they want to hear. Knowing what other people want is a skill you can only learn from this book. Too bad it isn’t published yet.
  4. Drug-sniffing dogs—It would be really cool to own one. If you can afford it, get one! Take your dog on walks around the neighborhood. Take your dog on walks around the airport. What does a drug-sniffing dog have to do with The World’s Greatest Self-Improvement Catalog? I don’t know. I just want one, so it seemed like a good place to include it.
  5. Problems can wait—Nothing’s so good today that it can’t be better tomorrow. Besides, if you wait, some problems fix themselves. Many problems are conquered by time. Many obstacles are overcome with patience. Patience is a rare trait, afflicting only a small percentage of society. If you could sell patience, I’d tell you to work on it. But I don’t think it can be bought or sold. Hold on there…that’s what this chapter will be about. We’ll talk about patience as if it’s something tangible, and something you can pass around. Brilliant!
  6. Set deadlines…for others—It’s petty and selfish to set deadlines only for yourself. Share. Share the responsibility. Share the pain. Share the determination to improve yourself in every way. How else would anyone make progress? Some members of society have greatness as an innate trait. Others have to learn it. And others have greatness thrust upon them.
  7. Meetings, meetings, meetings—You can never have enough meetings. Have you ever known a productive business without meetings? If one is good, more is better. Productivity is enhanced by sitting around talking about it. It’s a curious thing, productivity. Like balancing eggs, it gets the job done artfully and with purpose. What’s the purpose of balancing eggs? We’ll cover that in the next volume. Catalog number 2, here we come!

Published by Kurt Gailey

This is where I'm supposed to brag about how I've written seven novels, five screenplays, thousands of short stories, four self-help books, and one children's early-reader, but I'd rather stay humble. You can find out about things I've written or follow my barchive (web archive, aka 'blog) at xenosthesia.com or follow me on twitter @kurt_gailey. I love sports and music and books, so if you're an athlete or in a band or you're a writer, give me a follow and I'll most likely follow you back. I've even been known to promote other people's projects.

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