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Funny Inventions

There are untold numbers of inventions in the world. Hundreds of thousands are patented each year. Many of those are never used, or even spoken about by anyone but the inventor. The following list is a sampling of the funniest inventions.

Rain Goggles. Goggles fitted with tiny windshield wipers. The rest of you may be getting wet, but at least you can see what’s in front of you.

The Flying Squirrel Fur Coat. This one might give you the wrong impression. It’s not like a squirrel suit. You can’t glide off of a mountain with it. It was only made from the fur of flying squirrels.

Ice Cream Cone. That’s what it was called, but what it did was pure ingenuity. It automatically rotated your ice cream for you. This would make a sweet treat even sweeter.

Toilet Ejector Seat. Possibly the worst place for an ejector seat.

Truck-Grill Fishing Pole Mount. Among the weird ones, there’s always one that actually makes sense. It’s still funny though because you know the guy who invented this was looking for one more way to be lazy.

The Forget-About-It List. A pad of paper and a pen that lets you write things down only to have them disappear. The ink was a slow drying ink, unlike the average disappearing ink, supposedly so you could look at your to-do list for a while before it vanished.

Odor-Eater Socks. A pair of socks that you would wear while working out so when you take them off, your feet don’t smell.

Lightning Ride

Your place for the latest news in mountain biking is right here. Yes, indeed, you can hear it here first.

The most recent conundrum for the hobbled subset of mountain bikers is the worry over lightning. Their question is if they are straddling what amounts to a lightning rod.

It’s a valid concern when you’re striving for elevation and you do it in all kinds of weather. Also validating for concern is the statistic of an average of 20 people being killed by lightning each year.

Perhaps ironically, the inexpensive, and least in demand, mountain bikes are not conductive: those made of bamboo. Bamboo is the only frame-building material that is shown to be an insulator. Bamboo is a strong material. It really is a great way to build a bike frame, even though the mountain biking community tends to disregard it.

The skateboard community has embraced bamboo more openly. It’s understandable for them though, because their material is usually wood. Usually. A rare board is one made of metal. The parts—trucks and bearings—are metal, but parts aren’t a concern since skateboarders aren’t often worried about lightning anyway. The sport of skateboarding, like baseball, gets canceled when there’s any sign of rain.

Of course, and as you’ve probably already guessed, the parts that go into making a completely functional bike are metallic and very conductive. Chain links and spokes are not likely to be made of anything but metal. So, unfortunately, the bamboo-framed bike isn’t 100% lightning resistant.

There are frame and part materials which are less conductive, some are more. For instance, the resins which are used to form carbon composite frames are not conductive, though the carbon fibers are. So, yes, that doubly expensive MTB frame made of carbons will attract lightning. The anxious biker is not safe sitting on top of it any more than standing at the edge of a lake during a lightning storm.

What else is there?

Titanium? Conductive.

Aluminum? Conductive.

Steel? Wait, steel? Oh it’s your bike-packing bike? Gotcha. That’s super cool, but yep, that one’s conductive for sure.

If you’re one of the stressed-out type of mountain bikers, worried about lightning, even disabled by it, then you should either get a bamboo frame to ease your worry, or watch the weather closely enough to know when it’s time to go up the mountain or when it’s time to stay down.

Prebiotic Pepsi

The swiftest way to get there is this: prebiotics benefit probiotics.

Probiotics are generally thought of as the bacteria which best suit the human anatomy. Or, in other words, they are good bacteria.

Prebiotics are the fiber that is good for the good bacteria.

Pepsi is considering adding prebiotics to a new line of their beverages. A more healthy line of cola is not a terrible idea. Some people wouldn’t get anything healthy unless it was in their soda pop soft drink. Those sorts need all the help they can get.

Of course you can get prebiotic fiber in a variety of foods like: bananas, beans, oats, garlic, apples, onions, asparagus, and berries.

Would you rather…?

I personally like that Pepsi will make their Prebiotic Pepsi with 5 grams of cane sugar to go along with the 3 grams of prebiotic fiber. All those artificial sweeteners are nasty on my tongue.

I feel it’s too sad they don’t make the caffeine free Pepsi, unless it’s the diet variety, which of course has the offensive artificial sweeteners. Bleh! But they used to make a sugar cane version that was top notch.

Oh well, it will be interesting to see how this new line of Prebiotic Pepsi is received by the public.

Randomizer

When I’m feeling like a crass, trashtalking set of wind-up plastic teeth with an overbite and bad breath, I disappear in the lyrical music of words. When I’m loud in the quiet room and they make more noise in the process of kicking me out, it’s a beautiful contrast. Like golf socks on a water polo player. Like a skateboarder in swim fins.

Fudge in the fridge turns into bricks. Fall through the trees, make lots of sticks. Extremely deep snow should be termed “quicksnow”. It’s not warmer when it’s thick on the ground and we call it a “blanket of snow”. We call sand on the ground a dune. We call the middle of the day noon. A miniature stainless steel shovel? It’s a spoon. That orbiting nightlight is the moon. Pomposity in the naughty haughty, makes her too proud to be a hotty. Too vain for the dirty birdy to dance, makes him overflow with arrogance.

The rising of the ocean, I fear, is higher for every child’s tear, shed when an older sibling broke a bike, took the toy, took a hike. He needs a lesson, he needs to learn, that being bigger doesn’t mean it’s his turn. A dog in a hot car. A stolen lunch ticket. Two times around the carousel is too far, and the best summer drink is from the spigot. The Spanish inquisition was killed by the Spanish guitar. No one cared for torture when there was music. Until Gitmo. Cough, cough, well just never mind then.

On a blender binge, fateful for the orange, acid makes the back teeth cringe, drank it all and she called me ‘stinge’. Parking lot. Parking spot. Parking space. Parking place. The day got worse when I met up with Frank and Biff. They stole all the fun ‘cause they were stodgy and stiff. And those were only their first names. The theft grew, but no one knew, what to do, with the spoils. We weren’t into the pirate’s art, but on the weekends we sure looked the part. There were rings in things and on things and under things. Honey golden swirls. Dangling gems and treasure chests. Hidden troves under circling seagulls. Crossed bones beneath bleached skulls. Crossed eyes to crottles. Broken glass bottles. Bangles, spangles, and brawls.

Want more fun with your fireworks, honey? When you hear them go off, shout out, “Money!” If what you wanted for your birthday was what you got, some people wouldn’t get a lot—but their friends would.

Word Traps

There comes a time in every man’s, woman’s, and child’s life when a word gets trapped in the brain. A trick might help get the word out again. But what is the trick?

The words that have been stuck in my head lately are Superfluous and Extraneous. It doesn’t help at all that people at my work insist on adding the most superfluous things to the daily grind. The two words pop up to the front of conversations, especially with the people who employ extraneous items or measures. It gets to feel unavoidable.

How I get those words out of my head is with other fun and ridiculous words or phrases.

Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg is a fun one. The phony translation of what the name means is fantastic in every sense: “You fish on your side; I fish on my side; nobody fishes in the middle.”

Of course I probably don’t say the name right, though it is so much fun to try..

A phrase that chases unwanted words out of my brain is: Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It cracks me up to say it over and over. And it manages to answer a lot of questions. “How is it there are so few brain cells in Government?”

Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Obviously.

The final way I can offer is this: music. Find a fabulously talented artist with a novelty song and listen to that song on repeat until you have it memorized. That song will replace any word trapped in your brain, no question.

My go to song lately is “My United States of Whatever” by Liam Lynch.