13 ways to define your love for V-day

love

Lines for your valentine you won’t likely find in a Hallmark card:

 

Nerdy: You’re the central node of my network.

Country: You’re like fresh eggs and warm milk.

City: You’re my 20th floor. What a beautiful view!

Fatty: You’re the canned cheese on my cracker.

Eerie: Yours is the only mind I want to read.

Hungry: You’re the peanut to my butter.

Hearty: I just look at you and my life is fulfilled.

Emotional: The flood in my eyes is for you.

Divine: You’re the warmth of Heaven.

Comfort: You’re a cool summer rain.

Comfort 2: You’re a warm fire in February.

Practical: You’re the log on my fire.

Eternal: Forever isn’t long enough.

 

+ some you should not even consider:

Bizarre: You line my mental nest.

Fart Joke: Did you just fart? ‘Cause you just blew me away.

Edgy: You’ve discovered the depth of my soul.

Serious: Either I’m having a heart attack, or I’m falling for you.

Straight-forward: Want to put your mouth on my mouth?

Game Show: Contestant number one! (point at your valentine)

Criminal: Resistance is futile.

Cryptic: Easy sauce on a spaghetti sammich.

Le Film Romantique

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For Valentine’s Day this year, your first responsibility is to learn French. It’s la langue de la vache. No, no, no. It’s la langue de l’amour. Ha ha ha! Either way, you could get yourself laughed at or in trouble, or both, unless you learn it up good. So learn French.

Ready? Go!

While you glue colored construction paper on a shoe box, you might want to watch a romantic film. These are the pastimes of superstars, believe me. Cutting out pink hearts to glue to a red background, c’est manifique!

But what movie should you watch?

So many to select. You can’t watch more than one at a time. Allow me to suggest a few.

The Decoy Bride. This charmer of a film boasts a main character who is awkward and hilariously aware of her awkwardness. The movie is set on an island off the coast of Scotland. It involves a pretend engagement, some misty background shots, and some very quotable lines. The film feels a little lonely at times, but that’s just the feeling I get from it. You’d have to make your own judgement. Check it out!

Hitch. It’s about love and falling in love and teaching others how to fall in love. It’s a buddy movie, it’s a chick flick, it has more than one romantic couple figuring out how to live life with or without each other. And it has Will Smith. BAM! Check—it—out.

Pride and Prejudice. There are many flavors of movie made from this ultra-famous book. My personal favorite movie is the 2003 version set in Utah (and Las Vegas, for a brief moment). It’s really pink. Every shot seems to have some bold pink in it. But that’s not what makes this one great. If you’re a dude you’ll probably like the character Charles Bingley, as played by Benjamin Gourley, ’cause he’s a million laughs. If you’re a woman or a girl, you’ll probably relate to the main character, Elizabeth Bennet, as played by Kam Heskin, ’cause she drives a cute, blue Volkswagen and has a “reaching stick” when she’s sick. Another reason to watch this film is Jared “Two-Trees” Hess. You know? The guy who made Napoleon Dynamite and other funny films. He has a small, yet brilliantly funny, part in this movie. Check it out!

Nacho Libre. Speaking of Jared Hess, this movie may not seem one hundred percent romantic, but it does have some romantic moments. And yes, it has a happy ending. One of the best types of magic with romantic movies is when they make you feel really good at the end. Oh yeah, this one is about religion and orphans and wrestling and Mexico, and it was even shot in Mexico. Check it out!

17 Again. With Zac Efron, Leslie Mann, and Thomas Lennon, you’ll be starstruck and amazed at the funny situation and great acting. The plot involves a man who puts business before his wife and children. He is thrust into a former age, and he has to figure out why. Along the journey of solving the mystery, he rediscovers his wife and children and how much they really mean to him. Yes, check it out.

Honorable Mentions: The Princess Bride, 10 Things I Hate About You, Sabrina, Say Anything, Runaway Bride, Never Been Kissed, Big Fish.

Voilà!

Comfortably Numb

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Serves me right for thinking it was only a little water in my sock.

Sit too long and you can become a permanent fixture in the park. Depending on the weather, of course, you can survive a splash of slush in your shoe. Not too many people have tried though. Most people are smart enough to remove the slush before it refreezes.

For every ten smart people there’s a snowman. He plays in the snow ’til he becomes one with winter. His eyes turn to coal, or so the legend goes. His lingo shifts to late Cretaceous Snowboard Era Drawl. His teeth are icicles, which makes him look positively demonic, but don’t fear him. He’s actually more fun than “tiger’s blood” on a snow cone.

As far as that goes, the only thing missing from a mountain ski slope is an army of snowmen. And I’m not only talking about the kind that play in the snow; I’m talking about the stationary stacks of snowballs. There wouldn’t be anything more fun to ski around, to jump over, to ski through, than a random line of snowmen. Every ski resort in the nation should hire some Snowmen to build snowmen. Who wouldn’t want a job like that? Especially if you were required to test your work? Test the durability of your snowmen?

Then again, if durability of the snowman was the ski resort policy, a snowman builder might use the age-old method of pouring water over the snow to turn it into ice and preserve it longer. That method could seriously damage a skier, or a snowboarder for that matter. Could you imagine rocketing down the hill, seeing a snowman up ahead, seeing it was the stationary kind with no legs, thinking it was only snow, and plowing right into it head first? Your head would split. Your skis would split. Your spread eagle would do the splits. You’d have ice in places you never wanted it.

Then, ironically, later at the emergency medical station inside the ski lodge, they would give you ice to hold on your aching head.

 

Time of Change

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February is a time of change for nature.

Sometimes change for humans is unnecessary, like putting a wig on a bald man. Would you put a wig on a bald man because you’re ashamed of what nature and God gave him? If so, that’s not only unnecessary, it’s ungrateful.

For a writer, throwing out a whole chapter for only two spelling errors would be an unnecessary waste of time. Throwing out a whole chapter because it created an awkward transition in the throughline, the plotline, the character growth, could be necessary. Are there any howevers? There are many howevers for you writers out there. Changes come in spurts, but not for you, for your work. Your work may require the change.

Changing your political party would be unnecessary if you were Democrat switching to Republican or Republican swapping to Democrat. They’re both virtually identical. Republicrats.

Changing your underwear is necessary. Make no mistake.

Changing your gender is not likely to be necessary. If your aim is to rob someone, you only need to pretend. A man in Uganda found out his “wife” was a man. The “wife” got caught stealing a television and confessed to faking it so he could rob the “husband”.

Changing your diet may be necessary if you become ill. If you could prevent the illness, would you? Cutting sugar intake to thwart diabetes, cutting coffee to inhibit osteoporosis, cutting out alcohol consumption to defy cirrhosis, hepatitis, pancreatitis, and/or dementia, could help, but a healthy diet and exercise should be something you start with, not something you use as a fall-back mode. Does that mean it’s too late to be healthy? Of course not. What it does mean is you may not reap much benefit from deciding to drink less alcohol after the liver failure.

Funny Sports

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Despite what your mom might tell you, playing hockey all day is not a complete waste of your time.

I can remember a day when I did just that. I barely made time for a meal or two that day. It was fun, and I was sore the next day, but it wasn’t a complete waste of time. For one thing, a creative person needs a playful outlet every once in a while. You gotta put on the skates sometimes and not take them off for a whole entire day. You can’t wear your business attire every day, every hour, and expect to remain creative. Eventually the business creeps into your soul, you start using phrases like, “Deterministic integrity of the demographic indicates sales timing.” Zombie gibberish.

A little excess fun can help you come up with a list like the one below.

 

10 funny, and phony, sports I wish existed:

 

Steroid-enhanced bantam racing.

Cage-fighting mixed martial arts with spider monkeys.

Roller Ball. (Thanks William Harrison!)

Teleportation portal racquetball.

Flash-grenade Jai Alai.

Library shelf indoor rock climbing competition.

Wall telephone-cord bunjee jumping.

Light cycles. (Thanks Tron!)

Downhill hockey.

Pizza dough disc golf.