Joking Skills

The art of telling a good joke is one which seems to transcend time. Will there ever be a time in the future when humor is unwelcome?

Because I doubt the skill will ever be less than useful, here are some jokes to tell your friends and family.


A widow went out on her porch every morning, looked up and said, “Praise the Lord. Thank you for this day.”

Her neighbor saw her do this a few times and started to get annoyed, so he teased her about it, especially when the weather was sketchy.

“Praise the Lord for lightning? Thunder? Pfft.”

The woman kept at it no matter how witty his sarcasm, no matter the weather.

One day, he heard a rumor that her inheritance ran out. His interest was piqued. Would she still praise the Lord? Sure enough, she did it that morning, so he devised a plan. He bought her some groceries and left them on her porch earlier than she usually came out, then he waited on his own porch.

She came out and found the groceries. With tears in her eyes she looked up and said, “Praise the Lord. Thank you for this day.”

Her neighbor jumped at the chance. “Ha! You silly old woman, I’m the one who bought those groceries!”

The widow looked at him for a second, then looked up in the sky.

“Praise the Lord. Thank you for having the devil buy me some groceries.”


When a war broke out between two countries, one of the countries ran out of money so they had to make some adjustments to the training of the troops. They had two soldiers without any weapons. The command decided to teach one of them to aim his finger and say, “Bang! Bang!” The other soldier they taught to aim his finger and say, “Pew! Pew!”

The war began and the two soldiers were doing amazing things. The one would say, “Bang! Bang!” and a dozen of the enemy would fall. The other would say, “Pew! Pew!” and twenty enemy soldiers would fall.

They were amazed themselves and the two grew more bold. The whole enemy army seemed to be nothing compared to their finger weapons—until they met one solitary enemy soldier doing a strange walk toward them, unaffected by their repeated Bangs and Pews.

He kept coming and they kept shooting, but no matter how many times they shot him, he would not fall.

Finally he got close enough that the two soldiers could see he held his hands out in front of him in an odd way, but the realization dawned on them when they heard him saying, “Tank! Tank!”


A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver twitches: “Ah! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right back up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”


A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”


At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”

“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

Published by Kurt Gailey

This is where I'm supposed to brag about how I've written seven novels, twelve screenplays, thousands of short stories, four self-help books, and one children's early-reader, but I'd rather stay humble. You can find out about things I've written or follow my barchive (web archive, aka 'blog) at or follow me on twitter @kurt_gailey. I love sports and music and books, so if you're an athlete or in a band or you're a writer, give me a follow and I'll most likely follow you back. I've even been known to promote other people's projects.

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