Panic Attack


The all too common panic attack. Not interested in jamming on about what to do to cure them, no sir. I’d rather have a go at how to create one.

Sure, panic attacks aren’t fun to those who are in the middle of one, but to anyone who isn’t currently under attack, they can be hilarious and silly. From outside the attack, the lack of logic is obvious.

I’m not only writing this because of the recent events, but because I’m a huge fan of Andrew Schiavone, a comedian who cohosts a podcast by the name of Panic Attacking. A good many of the episodes have decent jokes, but if you want a real taste of Andrew’s comedy, follow him on Twitter.

Now to answer the question we all ask ourselves every day: How can I give myself a panic attack today? And of course many of you have come up with the evident current pandemic. Absolutely right, but let’s dig a little deeper.

How about trying a new career. Make a career move to public speaking. How’s your anxiety now?

Okay, maybe that one didn’t get you. Consider the idea of walking around your neighborhood at 3AM. Is that something you would want to do? Or is it something that gives you the heebies? Does walking around your neighborhood at night sound like a horror show? Even if you only have a mild amount of fear, that’s a mild amount of panic—attacking you. The reason that’s funny is because either you don’t know any of your neighbors, or you know them far too well. Brilliant, isn’t it? Revel in it; there’s more.

Panic should attack you if you know you’re going to grow old. Your body’s going to change so much that all the people who used to know you won’t be able to recognize you. Hair is going to grow out of places on your body it never used to grow. If you’ve passed through puberty already then you know what I’m talking about, sorta-kinda. Except as you grow older, the hair growth will be weirder than puberty and less pleasant.

If you’re even younger than puberty age, you’re pre-pubescent, and you have plenty to worry about. Someday you’re going to find out Harry Potter isn’t real, Pokemon is only a game, and The Mandalorian moves slower than your dad’s old cellphone. Beware reality! It’s coming to find you young ones, believe it.

Is there one thing that works universally to give everyone a panic attack? I don’t think so. We all have different talents and fears and worries. We all come from different neighborhoods. If there was one thing that attacks us equally, I’d say it’s the famous question, “Do you have enough toilet paper?”

Published by Kurt Gailey

This is where I'm supposed to brag about how I've written seven novels, twelve screenplays, thousands of short stories, four self-help books, and one children's early-reader, but I'd rather stay humble. You can find out about things I've written or follow my barchive (web archive, aka 'blog) at or follow me on twitter @kurt_gailey. I love sports and music and books, so if you're an athlete or in a band or you're a writer, give me a follow and I'll most likely follow you back. I've even been known to promote other people's projects.

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