Number One: Instant Pot. This device is apparently the go-to appliance for anyone with lots of desire but little talent. You don’t even have to turn the thing on. It’s automatic in every way. You don’t have to gather the ingredients either, they appear instantly, like on Star Trek. For me: Oreo cookies + Cookies ’n’ Cream Ice Cream = Dinner. Wait. Is that even something you’d put in an Instant Pot? Maybe you’re supposed to actually cook stuff. I don’t know. I’ve heard chili is good. Some sort of swift shrimp stuff too. Sounds interestingly instant. How about Minestrone? No problem. You think it and it appears in the pot—instantly!
Number Two: The George Foreman Grill. It drains the fat for you. You can cook any kind of meat on this baby and you never have to drain the fat because the grill is slanted. The best location, according to the owner’s manual, is on a window sill. Then you just drain the fat outside. You don’t even have to try to get the fat into a trash bin, or worse down the sink. Sometimes when you try to wash the meat grease down your sink it turns back into meat. It’s like there’s a whole cow down there plugging up the drains.
Number Three: The Ninja. This insane machine can be used to make everything from guacomole to gravy, applesauce to banana smoothies, pudding to yogurt. It’s called a ninja because it has a tornado of blades inside. It will chop anything into fine mush, assuming you put enough liquid in with it. I tried doing just ice to make my own Slurpee, and it wouldn’t work until I put a little bit of water in with the ice. Ninja swords have to be lubricated, I guess.
Number Four: The Auto-Open Trash Can. These are more fun for the children than adults, because the little ones can be entertained for hours waving their little hands in front of it and watching it open up like the jaws of a mechanical animal.
Number Five: NutriChef Vacuum Sealer. This is that device that will remind you that you could be vacuum sealed and stuck in a freezer. Then they’ll wake you up in 2095 A.D. You’ll feel just like a preserved chunk of chicken. Seriously though, this device isn’t big enough to vacuum seal a whole human. You better just learn how to eat right and stay healthy so you don’t have to be frozen.
Number Six: The Quesadilla Maker. No kidding, they market these! You really, really, really have to be impaired in the kitchen to need one of these. If you can’t make a quesadilla, you’re probably challenged by toast as well. And making a bowl of cereal, forget about it, you can’t even follow the recipe for one of those.
Number Seven: 3-in-1 This is not necessarily for the culinary-challenged people out there; I thought it looked fun, so I included it in this list. It’s called The 3-in-1 Breakfast Station by Nostalgia. It’s a coffee maker, griddle, and toaster oven—all in one! Coolishness and cooliosity! Give it to me now. I want it, and I don’t even drink coffee. I suppose if they put one of those Instant Pot things on the side instead of a coffee pot, it would be the complete kitchen. They could change the name to ∞-in-1.