Update Downgrade

Unless you’re completely off the grid, you’ve experienced this before. I call it Update Downgrade. The Information Technology crowd likes to call any change they make to programs an “update”.

Reality suggests otherwise.

There is often no up in the “update”. It’s only change. But why would they call it change? That’s dull and might turn people off, or just not interest people at all. If they call it an update, at least they capture the anticipation factor. Someone might anticipate the change if it’s labeled as an update.

There are a few people out there in the world who don’t give much thought to what is going on in the world around them. These few people are referred to as perfect customers because they buy in almost immediately without much thought for what they’re buying. These are the few who don’t complain when they’re given the lesser quality product. (There’re even some nasty names for people who complain—a tactic invented to discourage the complaints—but that’s a subject for another time.)

On those times when you’ve received the update to your phone, or your computer, or one of your favorite programs, and you’ve noticed a function missing, or you’ve noticed the whole thing running slower, then you’ve experienced Update Downgrade. You’ll probably wish you hadn’t even accepted the so-called update from the IT department. You’ll want the functionality back, or the speed.

Where did it go? Why did they take it away? As far as the speed is concerned: that sort of downgrade can only be blamed on inadequate testing by the programmers. They made the change, but they didn’t test it on a platform such as the one you’re using. In most cases, the platform you’re using is their product, so why wouldn’t they test it? For instance, say you have an iPhone and the Apple people made an “update”. You would expect them to test the update with an iPhone if it was specific to iPhones, wouldn’t you? Same goes for Androids. And yet…

When it comes to the reduction of functionality, I consider that the more insidious of the downgrades. The whole reasoning behind it is to make you more dependent on their product or their program. Functionality usually allows the user to make adjustments and to creatively solve problems. Removing functions gives the programmer the power to “creatively solve problems” and attempts to convert the user into a mindless consumer.

My intent here is not to say that the attempt to convert us all into mindless consumers is every IT person’s dream, but there are many of them who design things with consumers as their primary goal.

For me, when I encounter something I consider an Update Downgrade, I try to always let them know they goofed. I don’t always word it as a complaint. Sometimes I only suggest, other times only make observations. They may not have time to test on all possible platforms, so I give them the benefit of the doubt. If they don’t respond, or if they respond with a “deal with it” attitude, then I have to assume they’re engaged in one of the insidious agendas, grubbing for a dollar. If they’re helpful and try to return functionality, I applaud them.

The insidious ones are the ones pushing the downgrades and it’s as if they’re saying, “Here. I have an update. It’s duct tape, and it’s an update for your face.” Then they slap the duct tape over your mouth.

Music Mood

Bob Dylan was here.

Bob Dylan probably didn’t know this when he was writing music, but listening to music can enhance the writing experience.

Many writers claim they can have no distractions in the vicinity when they write. Some admit they start to write the lyrics of the song they’re listening to, so they can’t listen to anything. Others admit the same thing, so they swear by music without words.

Instrumental music. Cue Joe Satriani, Paul Gilbert, Data Kino, Testube, to mention a few.

The secret isn’t a secret. It’s circulating through the community of writers, like so: “Hey, does anyone have some music suggestions for me? My writing playlist is getting old.”

Funny thing is the suggestions are always what someone else enjoys. How else? Everybody wants to recommend what they like the most.

I personally don’t mind selections with lyrics. Especially if it’s something I’ve heard before. If it’s new then I might wonder what the lead singer just sang. I might wonder: What in the world is Bob Dylan rhyming about now?

He might be rhyming dead with head. He might be rhyming mind with behind. Eyes with skies. Range with change.

Whatever his latest rhyme may be, Bobby Dee is far ahead of me. Prolific is his work.

He penned Positively 4th Street, about when two people meet, and the luck, good or bad, two people feel. So the question in my mind is this: Did Bob Dylan listen to his own music while he was writing a new song?

Whatever his method, it worked for him. What’s your method?

Categorical Love

A woman whose husband has sports equipment he’s never used. And she doesn’t mention it.

A woman who thinks her husband is hot.

A man who thinks his wife is hot.

A man who picks up the cracker off the kitchen floor, instead of complaining that his wife didn’t pick it up.

Dogs who love you whether you feed them or not, whether you’re their owner or not.

People who love and follow their favorite music group through years and decades with extreme loyalty. Even if they ain’t that great.

Good neighbors. Always there with a smile and a helping hand.

Fan fiction.

Bragging about yourself.

Bragging about others.

Weddings.

Charity. Expecting no reward.

The green thumb of a gardener.

A toddler reaching for Mama’s hand.

Rain, and rainbows.

Guest column——”Ask Suzi Uzi”

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Guest column——Ask Suzi Uzi, Advice specialist and psychologist

 

Dear Suzi,

Do I have to wear a mask in public?

Yours truly truly,

Not Scared

 

Dear Mr. Scared,

Your question made me pause. Are you saying you don’t want to wear a mask at all? Are you saying you prefer wearing one in private? Without knowing what your question really is, I can only guess, so I’ll give you the general answer—Yes. And before you claim they don’t work, let me ask you if you’ve considered an upgrade.

“Have you considered an upgrade?”

Probably the mask you’re using has the lowest possible rating for protection. Ratings for respiratory protective devices are determined by the size of the particles they will allow through to your lungs. Pulling your shirt up over your face, for instance, may keep the stench of your friend’s fart from getting to you, and it may not. You may do the same thing if you pass someone blowing sugary vape stench all over the sidewalk. You’ll block most of it, but still get the taste of oily strawberries coming through the cloth of your shirt. Upgrade to a surgical cloth mask and you might block a little more of the offensive odors and some of the particulates. Upgrade to N95 and you’ll block most of the odor and a little of the solids inherent in those kinds of stenches. Upgrade once more to P95 and you’ll not only remove the odor, but you’ll be safe from the majority of the oils in the vape, and the majority of the fecal particulates from your friend’s flatulence. Upgrade one final time to an enclosed air circulator, such as a SCUBA mask with tanks, and you won’t be breathing outside air at all.

Truly yours, truly,

Suzi

 

Dear Suzi Uzi,

Why are manhole covers round?

Philosophically yours,

Derek

 

Dear Derek,

Are you really going to play that game with me? Pfffft! Easy question, easy answer: they’re not. Manhole covers are not round, they’re flat. Just like the Earth. Flat! Flat! Flat! Now get outta here!

Psychologically yours,

Suzi

 

Dear Suzi,

Forces creat what?

Yourn,

Unsure

 

Dear Unsure,

Excusing and scanning over any typo: Most forces create motion, but I suspect there are forces out there doing the exact opposite. If we were conversing about chaos elements, the opposite would be absolute, and infinitely so, but I wonder if you’re hinting at anthropogenic forces. If so, the opposite does occur. Men get going and tend to stop others. Just look at YouTube for a million and a half examples of this concept. This is called transpositional physical law. Men have a way of enacting unnatural events within a natural universe. Could it be that humans themselves are the quantum elements? Possibly. So which one do you think you are? Gluon? Lepton? Neutrino?

Undeniably yours,

Suzi

 

Dear Dr. Uzi,

If a guy wants you to be his girlfriend, then asks you to do the laundry and clean the bathroom, should you?

Sincerely,

Stella D.

 

Dear D.

Ewww, no! Next he’ll be asking you to do even more disgusting and degrading things. Have some self-respect.

Seriously,

Suzi

If I could eat everything…

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If I could eat everything…

Would I? Would I eat it all? Would I be the ultimate omnivore? Would you, would he, would she?

Pie and cake? Truffles and caviar?

Would I devour pebbles, boulders, even mountains? Cats and dogs? Dogs and cats? Cows and sheep and fish and chickens? Whales and dolphins too?

Would I cure my thirst with rivers or oceans?

How about metal, would I eat greased-up tractor parts? Buildings, skyscrapers, battleships?

How long would it take to eat it all? A day? A week?

A lifetime.

An insatiable hunger by definition couldn’t be satisfied. Not in a day. Not in a week. Not ever. It couldn’t be satisfied with a giant meal. It couldn’t be satisified with a day long binge. It would never end. The devouring wouldn’t end with a mountain. It wouldn’t end with a planet, or a galaxy of planets. The hunger, let’s be honest, might only end when it devoured itself. The binge eating might only find conclusion with the devourer eating herself.

If I could eat everything…

Would I consume my own self?