Chums

My friend Rudy Magrudian spun a Q-tip so fast he started a fire in his ear.

He said, “That’s nothing. You should see what I can do with a box of matches.”

He once promised that if we were ever in a robbery, he would shield me from all the bullets. All the bullets in the whole world.

His catchphrase is, “I thought it was a poop but it was only a fart.”

He has a collection of electrical panel knockouts. Enough that he could melt them down and make his own Panzer.

If it wasn’t for Rudy, there would be a lot more work done in the world. He has a tendency to distract. He has what we call a distraction attraction. It’s like a magnet that makes people around him stop working. His own workflow is completely sporadic. He attracts people into his distraction and then falls for it himself.

He claims he once made a perfectly working sailboat out of a bunch of coconuts.

There was some controversy over it, but he did grow some hair for the donate-hair-for-cancer-patients program. It wasn’t ’til later that they found out it was armpit hair.

My chum, my pal, my friend isn’t sure if he likes apple trees or lemon trees better. He’s willing to sit and think it over though.

He’s unapologetically loud, and apologetically crass. So much so he ends up saying he’s sorry at full volume before he even gets the swear words out.

Rudy Magrudian, star of the supermarket, has sung songs over the PA system in every supermarket from Tulsa to Tacoma. They almost always find him before he finishes the song and escort him out of the store. The one time he did finish is because he sang a short one. It was that dirge, “Happy Birthday.”

His shirt size is extra extra medium.

If not for Rudy, a lot of kittens would have drowned. He has saved kittens in a sack multiple times from raging rivers. Just ask him about it. He’ll tell you.

There was once a motorcycle gang terrorizing a small town, but Rudy went in and cleaned it all up, scaring the gang out of there. He set up traps, bombs, and wires until every last one of the gang lost their motorcycle, got clotheslined, or fell in a pit. You know, come to think of it, that sounds a whole lot like an A-team episode. Maybe Rudy isn’t as real as I thought.

But he’s never seen a Hitchcock film, so he can’t be that cool. You know?