How To: Job Interview

wildspotlight

How To: Job Interview—20 Easy-to-Remember Hints

  1. If showing up 5 minutes early is good, then 15 is better, and 30 is outstanding.
  2. Ask if there are any ghosts in the building or on the premises. This question sets a great tone of intrigue which will carry through the meeting. You’ll leave them wanting more.
  3. Wear extra clothes—more than necessary. Take a few items off during the interview, though not too many. Leave them wanting to know more.
  4. Tell a funny story. Practice the story enough that you can stop in the middle without finishing. Tell them you’ll relate the rest of the story after they’ve hired you.
  5. Ask about their policy on comfort animals. Tell them you have a pet snake, but it’s only considered poisonous in Australia.
  6. Tell them how often you feel sensations in your bladder.
  7. Talk about your family a lot! Elaborate.
  8. Make sure your ringtone is a cool one. Turn the volume up and have a friend call you during the interview. This trick will show them how important you are.
  9. If you don’t have tattoos, get some—-on your face! He who stands out, lucks out.
  10. Ask if they care what you do on break. Don’t elaborate.
  11. Tell them you never fail, but you know people who do.
  12. Instead of a resume, give them a copy of a completed application to another business. One good thing about this idea is that you won’t have to fill anything out more than once. Another good thing is that you show them you could potentially be the competition.
  13. Whether you’re a man or a woman, wear a necktie. Half way through the interview, loosen it. This will give everyone in the interview process an excuse. They want to relax too, but they don’t want to do it if they’re the only one.
  14. Compare the job hunt to hunting wild animals. Everyone likes to hear about hunting wild animals.
  15. Use lots of big words. Pompism=bossism. You’ll be promoted sooner than you think.
  16. Chewing gum will make your breath fresh.
  17. Bring samples of your work.
  18. When they ask, “Do you have questions?” Remember, cannibalism questions will leave a lasting impression.
  19. When they ask, “Do you have questions?”: If a tree falls in the woods and there’s no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? I bet they’ve never heard that question before.
  20. Bring snacks. Corn Nuts are the best! So loud! So delicious.

Published by Kurt Gailey

This is where I'm supposed to brag about how I've written seven novels, five screenplays, thousands of short stories, four self-help books, and one children's early-reader, but I'd rather stay humble. You can find out about things I've written or follow my barchive (web archive, aka 'blog) at xenosthesia.com or follow me on twitter @kurt_gailey. I love sports and music and books, so if you're an athlete or in a band or you're a writer, give me a follow and I'll most likely follow you back. I've even been known to promote other people's projects.

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