Holding A Grudge

Not reserved for people who’ve been wronged, holding a grudge is also a novel way to occupy your time. You might be wondering about this new sport. “How do I join in the action?” The first requirement is another person. It takes at least two. Although I’ve heard of someone holding a grudge against the entire NHL organization, it’s much easier with smaller numbers. The grudge against the NHL didn’t last long because there was no way to vent to everyone at once, not to mention the teams got better the following year, so there was no longer a point to the grudge.

Likewise, it’s good to hold a grudge against those you know, because you see them more often and you can call them out by name. Plus, you probably know something about them few other people know, so the insults can be really juicy.

The only other real requirement is that you can communicate your grudge somehow, like speaking the same language. If, for instance, you hold a grudge against your neighbor for never trimming that apple tree so it stops dropping apples in your yard, it won’t do much if your neighbor speaks Swahili and you speak French. I don’t know how many Swahili speaking people there are in the world, it was just a far-out language I could use as an example.

Next you’ll need to know how to do it. Some grudge jocks prefer the method of passive-agressive insults, others like to play demeaning jokes on the focus of their grudge. One man in Florida intentionally moved three houses away from someone so he could leave little “gifts” by their door. The gifts ranged from stolen bicycles to stolen backhoes. He was trying to get his grudge neighbor arrested. Eventually he was the one who got arrested, but at least he played the sport like a champ. No doubt about it, he’s a legend in the grudge sport hall of fame.

In another historical grudge match, one man held a grudge against former President Jimmy Carter. That man is now dead and Jimmy Carter lives on. Looks like Jimmy had the last laugh on that one.

One of the best, most successful, grudge stars is Dean Koontz. It’s claimed among the literary community that he held a grudge against one person for so long he managed to write them into every one of his 497 books. He changed their name of course, but the person he held a grudge against has been shot, stabbed, set on fire, drowned, buried alive, lobotomized, colonoscopized, dismembered, dragged behind horses, whipped, throttled, and drowned again—all symbolically, of course.

Whatever your preferred method of holding and taking action on your grudge, remember these wise words from Confucius:

“Tolerance is for those who don’t know any good pranks.”

Published by Kurt Gailey

This is where I'm supposed to brag about how I've written seven novels, twelve screenplays, thousands of short stories, four self-help books, and one children's early-reader, but I'd rather stay humble. You can find out about things I've written or follow my barchive (web archive, aka 'blog) at xenosthesia.com or follow me on twitter @kurt_gailey. I love sports and music and books, so if you're an athlete or in a band or you're a writer, give me a follow and I'll most likely follow you back. I've even been known to promote other people's projects.

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