So, it had come to this. Telemarketing had become such an aggressive tool they were resorting to home invasions, breaking down doors and inviting themselves inside.

It didn’t stop there. They were stealing wifi passwords, breaking in to anyone’s browser history they could and trying to sell more, more, more. They were using Siri queries as evidence of desires. From that knowledge sprang their own sales-pitch queries.

Did you want your wifi security upgraded? The telemarketers could take care of that for you…at a reasonable cost. “Hello sir or ma’am, would you like to know more about how to make your front door impervious to home invasions? Have we got a solution for you!”

It was only a minor insult that they were guessing at what you wanted to buy. The greater insult was when they were forcing their way in and then selling you the security to keep them out. It was no coincidence, the mafia comparison. The only thing in this world more aggressive than either of those two organizations, the telemarketers and the mafia, is the political opinion geezer. Nobody wants one of those in their neighborhood, let alone their house.

Where do they come from? How are they made? These home-invasion telemarketers? Some might say they are born in the malls at kiosks. Others might claim they’re the spawn of insurance and pharmaceutical salespersons. Still others say they’re formed from the bad dreams of Alexa users when the moon is full and the bandwidth is flaccid.

Regardless of how they begin their existence, the most important knowledge to use against their info-gathering ways is to catch them unaware. They think they know everything about everyone, but they don’t. Plant your hedges, digital and botanical. Go “off grid”. Falsify your desires. Pretend you’re interested in bizarre things. Make pretenses that you’re really super fanatical about teams of monkeys playing pickle ball. Then be entertained at the frantic way the telemarketers try to find something, anything, to sell you.

Published by Kurt Gailey

This is where I'm supposed to brag about how I've written seven novels, twelve screenplays, thousands of short stories, four self-help books, and one children's early-reader, but I'd rather stay humble. You can find out about things I've written or follow my barchive (web archive, aka 'blog) at or follow me on twitter @kurt_gailey. I love sports and music and books, so if you're an athlete or in a band or you're a writer, give me a follow and I'll most likely follow you back. I've even been known to promote other people's projects.

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