The Bacon/America Theory


There was a time in America when bacon was only bacon.

It was found occasionally on pizza, and when it was found as a topping on pizza it was called “Canadian”. It was also found with eggs in breakfasts of the older generation.

Then came the eleventh of September, 2001 A.D.

Someone took control of American passenger airplanes and forced those planes to crash into some prominent buildings. Everyone in the world wanted to know who the mastermind of this operation was. Who was this madman who wanted Americans dead in big explosions and falling buildings? Who wanted the American capitalist system broken?

In bits and pieces the reports came to the people. The madman was hiding in Afghanistan, no…Iraq, no…Iran. He was named Osama and he was of Islam. His manifesto claimed the American people took too much when they took oil from his homeland. The manifesto claimed the privilege of Jihad, a sort of holy war, the wrath of a god named Allah. To claim Jihad was no small matter. Reports came in to the people that some of Osama’s followers disagreed with him invoking the Jihad.

The President of the United States promised to bring the criminal Osama to justice, though he never said what that justice looked like. Time passed. Osama was not found. Islamic followers in America were subject to prejudice. Some were taunted. Many were bullied.

The American President couldn’t find Osama, so he went after a tyrant of another country, and captured the other one alive. Americans weren’t interested. What about Osama? Was he Shiite or Suunite? Was he hiding in a cave? Enquiring minds wanted to know.

While America waited, they learned some things about the Allah-worshipping religion. It was started when two brothers were swapped in the birthright order. Esau and Jacob were twins, the older being Esau. Since Esau was the eldest, he had the right to his father’s riches, an inheritance, and authority through the priesthood. According to the histories, Esau sold his birthright for a meal, but also Jacob tricked his father into transferring the birthright. This created a rift, a schism, a bifurcation of Christianity to create the Nation of Islam. Mohammed was a descendant of Esau and felt very strongly that the birthright could not be transferred to Jacob, nor could the authority. Mohammed kept many of the traditions of early Christianity, one of which was the tradition of not eating the flesh of beasts with cloven feet, such as pigs.

Americans ranted about this. They were still angry.

Somewhere between anger and hunger, the internet-meme was born. Internet-memes are essentially a poster, a short succinct phrase over a still picture. The first few internet-memes were about cats and sometimes dogs, but soon they took on a more subtle punch. Memes started to focus on BACON. Not Kevin, either, but the flesh of swine called “bacon”. Memes didn’t just sell bacon, they turned it into worship.

People in America started mouthing the words they found in these memes. They practically chanted. In a trance, the same chanters went to restaurants and demanded bacon, great greasy piles of bacon. Bacon cheeseburgers were in high demand. BLTs regained popularity. Bacon with eggs in the morning was no longer a staple of the older generation. It was hip, cool, sweet even, to like bacon.

And did it end with pizza? No.

Soon, donuts with maple frosting were decorated with bits of bacon. Cupcakes were decorated the same way. Birthday cakes were layered with strips of bacon inside.

Was this seen as a kick in the teeth to Osama? Or was it the Jihad he ordered? Was love of bacon the mocking laughter of the American people, a sort of anti-kosher revenge? Or was Osama’s Jihad decree a slow, arterial-clogging death?

Time may tell.

Published by Kurt Gailey

This is where I'm supposed to brag about how I've written seven novels, twelve screenplays, thousands of short stories, four self-help books, and one children's early-reader, but I'd rather stay humble. You can find out about things I've written or follow my barchive (web archive, aka 'blog) at or follow me on twitter @kurt_gailey. I love sports and music and books, so if you're an athlete or in a band or you're a writer, give me a follow and I'll most likely follow you back. I've even been known to promote other people's projects.

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