Drive-thru Astrology


Have you ever read your horoscope? I do sometimes, and I don’t have any faith in the things. It’s all about the wording. The wording kills the credibility. When the credibility is in question, I end up thinking, “I could do better.” I could pass that out at a drive-thru window.

Unforeseen circumstances will leave you circumstantially weary.

With a bald redundancy like that, horoscopes don’t seem cleverly orchestrated; they seem rushed, like some of the homework I did in high school. When you’re doing homework, don’t you shoot the bull more than you grab the bull by the horns? And that leads me to my next observation: horoscopes are full of cliches.

Take advantage of your good fortune. Plow ahead. Don’t buy the farm. Don’t kick the bucket just because you’ve counted your chickens before they hatched in a red hot minute when you should have been thinking outside the bock-bock-bocks.

Horoscopes are also full of really bad puns…

Be patient and all will be revealed to you in the coming daze.

The only time a horoscope makes sense is when your alcohol buzz kicks in or your grasp of logic leaks out. If you can’t see that the horoscope lines depreciate themselves, you might want to check your prescriptions.

Information you receive this month may not be entirely accurate. The answer may be different from what you expected…either by you or someone you know.

And aren’t they supposed to predict the future? It seems more often that they just fake a sensitivity to you and every other millionth person born around the same time as you. Oh, I’m not saying they’re not entertaining. They are that. But they seem so phony that it makes me wonder if they’re like those rap stars who take themselves so seriously that it makes me laugh. Unintentional humor.

Someone special to you may have eyes on you.

Speaking of unintentional. Do you think these brief lines about life are intended to be creepy? The writers of horoscopes do manage that at times. And then I wonder if they wouldn’t be better off writing something else, like a mystery novel. Then again, it could be that a novel writer, disillusioned from the literary world, decided to take his bitterness to the world of astrology.

An undertow that pulls at you from below could be Mars shifting your way. Or it could just be the weather.

They often get the indecision down to an astronomer’s precision, even if they are astrologers.

Dream your rainy days away. Don’t go out and play. Unless you love the rain. Then splash it up.

And don’t they play with your time? At times it’s monthly, others weekly.

Be wary around the middle or end of the month. Play it safe and beware the beginning as well.

In conclusion, have fun with it. Fall for it though, and you’ll give yourself a migraine. Probably, most likely, if no gamma rays upset the order of the galactic forces, it will happen around the third of the month in a year close to this one.

Published by Kurt Gailey

This is where I'm supposed to brag about how I've written seven novels, twelve screenplays, thousands of short stories, four self-help books, and one children's early-reader, but I'd rather stay humble. You can find out about things I've written or follow my barchive (web archive, aka 'blog) at or follow me on twitter @kurt_gailey. I love sports and music and books, so if you're an athlete or in a band or you're a writer, give me a follow and I'll most likely follow you back. I've even been known to promote other people's projects.

Leave a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: