Milk the Research Funds


I don’t want to give you any ideas, but there’s probably some money in this idea. Not necessarily good money either. It’s more like the stinky, dirty government grants for scientific inquiries that don’t play a tune in a logical mind. You know what I’m talking about, we hear about them all of the time, like when we heard about the non-scientist who won a government grant so he could test to find out if subway stair rails carry germs. Did he actually do the research, or did he just cotton swab the bottom of his shoe and submit the sample he found there? Or how about the other non-scientist who supposedly did a study on whether homelessness was healthy or not? (Turns out it’s not as healthy as we all thought. ) Or what about the study that discovered laughing can make a person with an illness feel better? A lot of these, you hear them, and you immediately realize that the joke IS the punch line.

Seriously though, I don’t know if any of these studies were conducted using government funds (which is another way of saying “money out of YOUR pocket”). When you hear about studies like these, do you even care where the money came from to make it happen? The money was wasted, no matter where it came from.

Sarcasm aside, this idea of mine, or rather, this question of mine, is not nearly as silly as some of the examples above. At least not to me.

What I really want to know is: why does milk taste better out of a glass than out of, say, a plastic cup?

And that brings to mind another question: can you see how I got here? I was wondering why milk tastes better out of a glass, and then I thought about how I would figure that out, and I imagined pouring milk into several different types of materials like plastic, or wood, or metal. I thought about measuring the amount of material that leaks in to the milk from the container, or the amount of good tasting probiotics versus bad tasting ones. I considered how to do any of that on my milk-drinking budget, and I realized I needed the government to intervene, to supply the resource of cash. I needed to do some serious research, and I would need…

“Nah!” I told myself. “Just enjoy the moo, and if you’re feeling festive, add chocolate.”

Published by Kurt Gailey

This is where I'm supposed to brag about how I've written seven novels, twelve screenplays, thousands of short stories, four self-help books, and one children's early-reader, but I'd rather stay humble. You can find out about things I've written or follow my barchive (web archive, aka 'blog) at or follow me on twitter @kurt_gailey. I love sports and music and books, so if you're an athlete or in a band or you're a writer, give me a follow and I'll most likely follow you back. I've even been known to promote other people's projects.

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