Do you ever get caught up in a conversation and your thoughts turn to escape? Do you wish you could change channels? Do you wish you could switch venues?
There are talkers and there are talkers. Some are brief to the point of salvation, and others are finding new subjects from every bit of stuff, every bit of fluff, reflected light and dust mite which lands in their view.
The long talkers are amazing, no doubt about it. How do they manage to jump subjects like that? How do they so effortlessly ignore, evade, and deny segues? There is no such option for some long talkers—a transition between subjects to them is like a prehistoric monster beneath a Scottish loch—unknown and unknowable.
For sure don’t let them hear me saying such things, because the long talker probably has a hypothesis for such creatures, or at the very least, a one-liner.
Knowing that a person who can continue talking indefinitely probably will, you need some ideas on how to get yourself out of the vicinity.
Start with yawning. Yawning is contagious. The long talker will likely give in to the contagion and yawn themselves, then you can say, “Oh, you look tired. You better go lie down.” Once you have them convinced, you can make an exit yourself.
If, by some odd chance, they are able to withstand the urge to yawn, you can try the next best thing: fake a coughing attack. Leave immediately to find some water.
But what if the long talker produces a bottled water out of nowhere? You never know how needy they are for attention, or to what lengths they will go to keep their audience. If they give you a fresh bottle of water, ask them to drink with you. Tell the person you have a tradition or a superstition, or something. At least if they drink with you, then they can’t be talking while they drink. If they tried, they might have their own coughing attack. That could be your next way out. While they’re coughing up water they breathed, you can pat them on the back, and while you’re at their back, make your escape since they can’t see you.
Speaking of when they can’t see you: if you have the means to turn the lights out, you could always try that. Of course, if you don’t know your way around the room, you best not try it. You could end up tripping over the same thing as your long talker friend and end up in a shared hospital room with them.
One other thing to do is to talk over them. Some talkers can’t hack it. They’ll try talking louder or faster. They’ll bring in their own tactics to match yours. Yet, for some people who like to talk long, they’ll give up and search for a more receptive audience. When they can’t rely on you to listen, they’ll go find someone who will.
Without seeming callous and careless, you could also try fireworks. Not metaphorical fireworks, but literal ones. Should you happen to have a pocketful of fireworks, light them off, and in the process, scare off your long talker.
You could always bring up taboo subjects, but this tactic can make them think you’re invested in the conversation enough to contribute, plus they might have a one-liner for every subject.
If your long talker gets hypnotized by screens, you could try turning on a television. When they settle in to watch, tell them you’re going to get some snacks, and then accidentally don’t come back.
With patience you can try a different tactic, and that’s the tactic of sticking around to listen. Listen just long enough to figure out the rhythm of the person’s talking. When they get to a point where they should take a breath, act as if you’re taking an extra long breath for them. Exaggerate the action. This will be hilarious for you and for them.
Xenosthesia.com 