With some help from my friends and family, we came up with over 300 mountain bike trail names worth using, or emulating.
Before I get in to what some of those trail names are, let’s review naming traditions which need to be buried.
Naming a trail after a person is the quickest way to tell the world how utterly unfantastic your trail is. There isn’t anything less inspiring than naming a trail after an average ordinary dude. One obvious exception is if that ordinary dude built the trail and you want to teach him a lesson, so you named the trail after him as a lasting tribute to his mediocrity. I’m torn between, “Yes, that’s justice,” and “No, that’s too cruel.” Maybe, instead, teach Dave, or Jack, or Henry how to build a better trail, and then still don’t name it after anyone.
There are exceptions, of course, and there always will be. For instance, if the trail was already named John Wayne Trail, or Davy Crocket Hunting Trail, then by all means, leave it that way. If you’re naming a new trail though, remember the person who the trail is named after should have a name recognizable by most people on the planet and the Encyclopedia Britannica. Dave Mustaine? Sure. Dave Garglepox of Podunk County? No. It’s not fun to say, or even think, “I’m going to ride Dave’s Connector.”
Speaking of Connector, it’s a word which should be avoided. Try not to name anything Line, Loop, Pass, Connector, Upper, Lower, Middle, Trail, Rock, Roll, or Drop, especially if what comes before those words is the name of a trail already. For example, if there’s a trail named A-Line, and then it gets extended for some reason, and you name the new section A-Line Lower. Then the original becomes A-Line Upper. You just created the most common name for any trail ever. How is anyone going to differentiate between A-Line Upper in Whistler, Canada and A-Line Upper in Goatcheese, USA? They won’t. Plus, the extension on A-Line should just get a new name or keep the name of the original trail it connects to rather than getting the all too common moniker of Upper, Lower, Middle. There’s really no good reason to break up any trail to uppers and downers and spare-tire middles, is there?
Really, it’s best to avoid any common name. Those get tiring fast. Avoid names like Juniper, Ridgeline, Portal, Pipeline, Cougar, Rock Garden, Rock and Roll, Punk Rock, Dead Man, Dead Guy, Deathwish, Death Bones, Dead Death, or Flow Trail.
Lastly, remember to avoid numbers, unless it’s incorporated in a good name somehow. (One-way Mule?) And avoid the gross and crass garbage that pops up in trail names once in a while. Remember these names we put on public trails are available to persons of every age. We want the future bikers to enjoy riding, not get sickened by it before they start. Tighty Whitey might be funny, but Dead Indian Gulch is not.
Now, for a taste of some of the names we came up with in my personal gathering.
Dirt Stomper, Wooden Nickel, Axons Firing, Dopamine Driving, Slice of Heaven, One Hundred Ways To Get Down—Only One Way To Live, Pain Dance, Yellow Belly, Happy Girl, Flip Flop, Duck Jump, Total Vacation, Space Truck, Hard Tail Heaven, and Bat-faced Boy.
On another note, the name One Hundred Ways To Get Down—Only One Way To Live is fun to say, but it would not be fun to try and fit on a trail sign. Keep trail signs in mind when making new names. Shorter is almost always better.
That’s just a few of what we made. If we can come up with over 300, why are there so many new trails being given terrible names like Stale Trail Upper Pass? If anyone needs help, contact me. I’ll give you a few to use.
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